A day at a time

My life now compared to when I first started therapy with NOCD has been drastically different. I remember thinking that what I was going through was a case only affecting me. I was miserable, alone, and afraid of the things my intrusive thoughts said I would act out on or become. I was disgusted with myself for having these thoughts/images, frustrated that I kept relapsing back into old patterns, sad that reassurance seeking didn’t alleviate compared to other people. I lost interest in a lot of things that made me happy, family, friends, hobbies. The anxiety and depression wasn’t helping at all, especially with OCD latching onto these symptoms and further enhancing it like some sort of super drug. I was tired of being paralyzed, I was tired of my low self esteem, I was tired of constantly giving in to OCD. I came across NOCD through various Google searches about my symptoms and social media platforms. At this point I decided to try it out, and let me tell you that the amount of psycho education that went into this helped tremendously. Seeing a community of people going through the exact same thoughts and experiences as me, The amount of support backed into this, and the survivors who are living a seemingly “better” life gave me more hope. Throughout my sessions, I cried out of frustration, desperation, heartbreak. It is not easy accepting the truth sometimes, and the same goes with accepting the intrusive thoughts as just thoughts. The amount of patience, self compassion, and mindfulness I learned to cultivate is an ongoing path I will continue going forward with. Some days OCD does not interfere with my life, while others it’s as loud as it can be. Understanding that it’s “Just OCD” and how I do not need to identify with my thoughts is a hurdle that I’m still applying to my life. Relapses exist, but I know that the tools I learned in my sessions can help me be present. ERP being the main help, although very frightening. I will admit I try to find any excuse or avoid my exposures, but my determination, that little voice inside my head that tells me to overcome, that I am capable of facing my fears, pushes me to do them. I encourage anyone reading this to do the same. DO YOUR EXPOSURES. It does not matter if it takes the whole day, a whole hour, or even a simple 5-10 minutes. I would rather live with facing my fears than letting my fears take the life I want to face. I am not stuck with OCD, OCD is stuck with me. As of today, I am taking it a day at a time. I am learning to cultivate a better life for myself. To be more loving, forgiving, and present. To feel any emotion and not numb/make it go away. To notice my intrusive thoughts and let them filter through. Sometimes, all you gotta do is live with uncertainty and accept life for what it is. There will be bad days, but there will also be good days. There is a reason why we fear and react to our intrusive thoughts, and if they were true about ourselves and what we would “presumably” do, we would have done or become them already. OCD attacks our values, so let’s be grateful that we at least have them.