Schizophrenia, Spirituality, etc etc

Hi everyone, I haven’t posted in a while—about 6 months—but I’m really struggling and need some help or advice. I thought I had healed from all of this, or at least I was doing so much better. I have never felt this before but it feels like I’m slipping back into something I can’t control. Right now, it feels like I’m stuck in a bad reality. It’s like I’m trapped with my dad in one reality, and I’m trying to get back to the other where I’m with my family, but I can’t. It’s so hard to explain, but everything around me feels unreal, and my mind keeps telling me I’m stuck. It feels so real, and I don’t know how to get out of it. It’s like I’ve been transported to another world, and I can’t break free. nd now I’m scared I’ll never come back to the “good” reality I had before. and I genuinely believe this. I’ve been struggling with these thoughts about spiritual realms, the devil, and spiritual warfare. My dad has always talked about these things, and he’s gone through psychosis before. He’s also had a history of doing a lot of drugs, and now I’m terrified that I might end up like him. I fear that I’m somehow becoming like him, trapped in that same mental space he’s been in. He talks about spiritual stuff that scares me, and I can’t shake the thought that I might be losing myself the same way he did. I know this might sound weird, but I feel like I’m getting closer to that line, and I don’t know how to stop it. I keep feeling like I’ll never come back to the way things were, like I’ll always be stuck in this distorted reality. I’m afraid of losing myself, especially in my faith. I believe in God, but my thoughts and fears about all of this are making it hard to feel connected to Him. I feel so distant from God right now, and it’s hard to see how this can change. Has anyone else experienced something like this—feeling like you’re trapped between realities, afraid of becoming someone you don’t want to be, or struggling with fears like this? How did you cope? I just need some hope that I can get through this and come back to a better place. I’m scared, and I feel like I can’t escape this. Any advice would really mean a lot right now.

So I know I've talked about my fear of being hacked/watched without my knowledge and at the same time that same fear has also made me scared that i've said incriminating things or confessed to a crime I didn't commit out loud without realizing and that this person (who probably doesn't even exist) is going to use it against me in the future and ruin my life. To the point where I've covered all my device cameras. Yeah, I know. Incredibly outlandish. Anyways. The past few months it's just been my brain convincing me that my life is over or that it's going to end and not just end, but like I'm going to lose everyone that I love because of said "incriminating things" though I know I haven't done anything wrong. Of course, there's a part of me that realises that this is really unlikely because I'm not that important of a person for someone to lie in wait for decades and decide to ruin my life just because though I don't doubt that there are people like that out there (i really hope they're few and far between). However, there's another part of me that also really believes that this is all true. And sometimes I wonder if I'm going insane. Coupled with what I believe are false memories, the anxiety has been taxing every day. And I find it hard to sit with uncertainty because this worst case scenario terrifies me. I'm scared of being unloved and abandoned and also deathly afraid of being perceived as a bad person. And of course, also scared of being a bad person and my brain is convinced that I must be. Anyways. Who knows. Maybe. Maybe not. I wanted to share because I know that OCD or I guess any kind of mental illness (whatever it is I'm suffering from if it isn't OCD) likes to convince us that our fears are too niche and that this worry wouldn't be present if it wasn't real. OCD likes to use that as proof. I've learnt though that there are many people like me on this app, and even though it's still scary, it makes me feel less alone. It can be very tiring and honestly sometimes I ask myself how I'm still here even though it's been a few months and some people on here have experienced episodes like this for years or even decades. I keep hoping I'll wake up one day and it will be like this never happened. If you've taken the time to read this incredibly long waffle session of mine that's more like a drawn-pit diary entry, thank you. And if you feel comfortable with sharing, please do :)

I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD, but I relate so much to what people here are going through. I used to think it was just anxiety, and I felt like I could handle that. But lately I’ve been spiraling—constantly afraid that what I’m feeling is something worse, like psychosis or losing control of my mind. I feel so detached and scared, and I just want peace again. I have anxiety doing the smallest things, like the thought of waking up everyday and even eating give me straight up panic. I am afraid all the time, it’s paralyzing. And a lot of people say someone with psychosis wouldn’t worry that they’re in it, but then I convince myself I’ve been in it this whole time, and haven’t known, and that maybe I’ve been doing weird stuff. Idk. I also get really scared of labels. Even the idea of OCD makes me feel like I’ll never get better or like I’ll be stuck like this forever. I just want to be okay. If anyone has felt this way—confused, overwhelmed, or scared of what’s happening in their mind—I’d really appreciate any support or encouragement.