Vent, it’s too much

I forgot what is to be happy. I was a happy person before all this and I feel like ocd took that from me. Ocd got so severe that the last 3 months I’m in a constant loop of compulsions and intrusive thoughts. And haven’t felt real joy in this 3 months. I feel like ocd trying to attack me from every direction and he succeed. I really one to come back to my old life. I even started to see a therapist that I can tell everything and she has a good tips but it’s me, I just can’t do it. Like everyone saying that erp is the best way to recover , but it’s not working (might be because I’m doing a lot of compulsions). I’m really trying to recover but it feel impossible especially with Pocd . That my dream from being young was to be a mother and always loved kids they are cute. But now being around them gives me so much anxiety and urges that I can’t do it. Like ocd is so weird because when I was in rocd episode almost a year ago I read about all of ocd theme including Pocd. And I was so sure that I wasn’t a p so I didn’t need to double myself. And about like 2 months after ,Pocd started and got really worse. It’s just feels impossible to recover like ocd is so strong and there is no way out. And I’m really trying but it’s all seems impossible right now. Like my thoughts are about every person I love. And also I feel like I will never be happy again like before that life were so fun. And now? I don’t want to wake up in the morning all the fun vibe is gone and never going to come back. I’m just tired being sad all the time, I was a very happy person before this, I really think that my life is over. My main dream in life is just to create a family and it feel impossible because of this stupid disorder. I’m so sad cause I’m just 16 and really don’t think my life has meaning anymore. I feel like I’m wasting my “fun” years on this. I’m seeing everyone having fun and there is me. I know that the neighbor grass is not greener but it’s feel like it. Is just that my mind tell me to do things that I clearly don’t want to!. Like I all the time think that I crossed the line with Pocd and I’m a p. Even though I had more themes .I feel like a monster all day, this is not the life I want. At this point it’s hard to believe I have ocd. I’m just tired of everything of life of suffering. I just want to lock myself in my room and never leave. I feel like I lost everything like I’m a zombie at this point, like I can’t feel any emotion that I used to (love , happiness, excitement) I’m just feeling sad all day and crying all day. Even my parents don’t know what to do with me, they told me I was a happy person once and now I’m close person with no emotions.I know they want me to be happy but every-time they see me cry (once in a week, even though I cry everyday most of is but I’m good at hiding it) they start to yell at me and I know they love me and I love them and wouldn’t wish for any other parent, but it’s killing me I want them to understand that I’m trying everything I can. That I have no power inside of me. Today i broke down again because I remembered that next week we are going to see my family and the intrusive thoughts hits me so I broke down (I really don’t want to go) .and they started to scream at me and that I’m doing it on purpose, I feel so alone like nobody understand me. They told me that if I’m not happy they are not happy. And I get that I really do. But they don’t are not the person who actually suffer 24/7 with this. I know I sound like a brat or something like that but I can’t stop thinking about it. My mom told me things that made me sob today. I just want one person to talk to I feel alone. I feel like everyone hates me right now , my family, friends (who I barely talk), and me I hate myself the most. I feel doomed , I don’t want to get out of bad just to sleep 24/7 , doing the simplest action (like brushing my teeth ) seem so hard and I don’t have power to do it, I barely eat rn, I just want everything to stop. Im even sorry to say that but I feel like I kinda hate everyone rn. Like my environment , im jealous that they don’t need to live like this 24/7. I feel alone. I feel like there is no point. I hate myself for it but im even angry at god for making me like this and create a monster like me. I want to throw up right know and can’t stop crying, just want that someone will take away this pain. Im sorry this is very long.

lissamls

Date posted: 46w

i read everything you wrote and I identified with it, I wanted to go back to my old life just like you :(

OrMsB

Date posted: 46w

@lissamls Same

BigGyro09

Date posted: 23w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

eafik36

Date posted: 12w

Stuff

It’s getting so bad I think I’ve been dealing with scrupulosity but I’m always doubting if it’s actually ocd or if I’m just telling myself that as a excuse for being a “bad Christian”. It’s not only that, it’s everything I have had ocd thought loops in the past but they’ve been so unbearable lately and once one goes away another one starts. It’s been really focused on making me feel liek everything is my fault and I don’t know how to stop that when it actually could be. Then there’s this guy we were talking and he was telling me what he needed out of a relationship and asked me to tell him the same and now I’m so scared I’m gonna ruin something he said trust is really important to him. I was taking to one of our shared friends about us and I’m scared I said something he wouldn’t wanted me to say and that he’s not going to trust me now and I keep thinking about how I really should not have talked to her and it’s killing me. I’m also scared that I’m not gonna tell him something that happened in the past because I don’t think it’s important and he’s going to find out and be mad I feel like rocd is ruining my relationship that’s not even a relationship yet. I just keep thinking through all the different scenarios how I could ruin us up or it could work and I promise myself it will be the last time I think about it and it never is and it’s just constant from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep and then I think maybe Gods just trying to warn me but I’m so exhausted or being this anxious because that doesn’t seem like Him but then maybe it is and I’m just trying to get what I want. I want to ask for help so bad but every time I do it feels like there really isn’t anything wrong and I don’t actually have any ocd. I don’t want to talk to my family about it, when it’s come up before they either make rude comments or make fun of me for it they really just don’t understand and I don’t know what to do anymore. sometimes it doesn’t even feel like it’s worth getting better tbh. Thank you for reading it all if you did :)

jupiter

Date posted: 11w

I don’t know how to live anymore

(Long post warning) Hi, I’ve been struggling with severe OCD for six years now. it started in 2019 with my theme being getting sick/emetophobia. it devastated my life. I almost didn’t graduate high school from it. I remember washing my hands for three hours one day until they were nearly bloody while crying and asking why I could not stop doing it. I remember id have to write and rewrite sentences when I did my English homework and that’s why I nearly failed that class. I remember how I would spend up to thirty minutes to an hour pacing the halls of my apartment while my mom was asleep until I neutralized the thoughts about throwing up and I could finally go to bed. I don’t know when it happened, but my theme switched. Sometimes in late 2020 or early 2021, it switched to POCD. It started with a single thought, and I focused on it and it’s been my theme since then for four years. It has been absolutely destroying me. I feel so disgusted and lost and just tired. My compulsions are severe now. I thought they were bad before, but now they’re ten times worse. I can’t eat, drink, change my clothes, walk, or even do things on my phone normally. I’ve developed so many mental compulsions that it’s so intricate and complicated yet at the same time I’ve done them so much that they’ve become normal. An example I have is if im putting on a shirt and I have a “bad” thought, I have to take it off and put it back on two more times (that’ll make it 3 times I put the shirt back on - odd numbers are my safe number). I have to have a good thought on the third time otherwise I have to take it off and put it on two more times to make it five times I put on that shirt. If not that then I just put on a different shirt because the original is now tainted with my bad thought. I can’t open apps on my phone. It’s with the numbers again. If I open TikTok once while having a bad thought - I have to close it and open it two more times and so on. Sometimes I do it up to 30 times. So I just don’t do things usually. I don’t turn on the TV because I know I’ll redo it. I don’t open a book or grab it off my shelf because I’ll have to repeat the action. I can’t even lay in bed without getting up and redoing it even if im exhausted. I just feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting and even now my minds screaming at me that I am dirty and what I think is true. I just wish I was free of this, I wish I could just live my life. I’ve wasted hours and days because of my compulsions. I mask it so well around my friends. I don’t do them in front of anyone or I’ve learned to hide it well. But when im back home alone, it goes haywire. I just want to live again.

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Vent, it’s too much

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