Feeling like you want the thoughts/wanting to act?

@TexasOCD41 Thank you. I know another part of me just feels like I’m lying to myself. Like feeling “mad” that I don’t or can’t on the thoughts? Like a feeling of holding myself back. I don’t know it’s weird. I know I need to work more on not doing rumination. It’s just difficult sometimes because it feels like I intentionally think them, on purpose. Plus it’s hard to feel “normal” around the person who it’s about, like I feel so fake being with them due to these thoughts and my brain seems like it wants to look at them in a sexual way or something.

@Solrose - id like you to stop and read back through your posts and see how many places you say " I feel" and now take into consideration that every time you say " I feel" that everything you say following this is an emotional reasoning statement and emotional reasoning is a flawed and incorrect thought pattern. Nothing you are saying is really coming from any place of logic or sound reason, its all feelings and you know that feelings are facts and feelings can be feel 100% real and be 100% false at the same time. you need to challenge yourself to stop using emotional reasoning. When you think to yourself " I feel" stop yourself immediately and remind yourself " I dont' matter what I feel, I KNOW this is OCD" and set it aside. no matter how distressful, how real it feels, how anxiety provoking, tell yourself " doesn't matter how it feels, I KNOW its OCD" and set it aside. Set it aside 1000 times a day until your brain starts to learn the difference between flawed emotional reasoning vs logic based reasoning.

@TexasOCD41 - feelings ARENT* facts

@TexasOCD41 Thank you so much. I appreciate all your advice on this. I think my whole thing right now is that I don’t want this to be OCD, I want it to be fact and I want to act on it. Want it to be true. But I know that sounds horrible of me to say and again makes me think these are my actual desires and wants. I honestly don’t know what how to feel or think, or what I want.

@TexasOCD41 @Solrose Just to add to my comment if feels like I’m not as “aware” of my thoughts, or rather maybe lost insight into them knowing they’re “wrong” or I have fully accepted them. I have always seen myself as a kind person and have not ever hurt someone, but I don’t know I feel changed. Not sure if this is just me thinking these thoughts too much over the past few months and now am “fused” with them or thinking they’re me, but right now it just feels like I wouldn’t care if I acted on them. Again just feel unsure and a bit lost. Like my brain has this thought I never considered before and now I think “I think I might like this thought!” Like I discovered something about myself I was unaware of.

@Solrose - sooooo you are saying that you want to go hurt people? like outside of having the thoughts, you want to physical get up and put action to them? because if so, what's stopping you?

@TexasOCD41 Part of me thinks “oh I don’t do it because of the consequences it would cause,” but I believe this is my OCD talking. Nothing is holding me back, but myself and my loved ones. Because I don’t think it’s even me to go do those things. I have always been a gentle and kind person. I can barely say a mean word to someone. And honestly reading your comment made me feel a spike of anxiety. Lol. I thought, “oh gosh, OP thinks I’m a horrible person and is suspicious of me!” I doubt anyone who truly wanted to do those things would even be on here talking about this. Or even think twice about it. OCD just makes everything so confusing. It’s all about not being able to trust your own self or have self-confidence in who you are. Thank you.

@Solrose *even in me to do those things

@Solrose - im sorry ( not sorry) i caused your anxiety to spike lol because I figured it would be what was necessary help jolt you into a place of awareness that this is all OCD. Its ego-dystonic thinking at its finest. You are correct, a person who really wanted to do those things is not going to get on an OCD app and talk about them. they are just going to go do them.

@Solrose - OCD is a master of doubt, you can trust yourself, and have self-convidence, but you have to work on it, as with anything worth having, its cultivated and grown. You have to make the active decision to do the things you fear, you choose to trust yourself, you choose your path, it doesn't chose you.

@TexasOCD41 Haha no I needed that jolt, so thank you. Good exposure therapy! Lol. A few days a go a new “theme” started with having intrusive sexual thoughts of taboo nature, such as incest. So it has caused me a lot of panic and anxiety, but I have also questioned it and wondered “do I like this? How does it make me feel” and then of course thinking I want to act on it or I like the thoughts. But I also remind myself that a thought that pops up like it did randomly about that topic and causing me to obsess over it is my OCD and the compulsion is me trying to find meaning. It’s frustrating cause I know these things, but sometimes it’s difficult to turn it off. My brain just automatically wants to go there. So I beat myself up about not trying harder or not committing myself more to it, but I know how difficult OCD can be to manage. Have to have some patience and give myself compassion. I’m proud of myself though cause I’m going to see a psychiatrist again and my doc upped my anti-depressant today at my request, to see if it will help any by the time I’m able to actually see someone. So I’m taking steps. I appreciate you taking the time to reply to all my messages. You have a lot of great advice and wisdom. You have a kind heart. ❤️