Images coming back again

Please reply. I am embarrassed to share this. I dont watch porn AT ALL anymore and never will again but I keep getting intrusive images of porn scenes I saw on pornsites from a long time ago. Especially weird things, like I remember I once stumbled across porn that had a old man in it. Porn has lots of weird categories. I keep feeling bad and guilty for ever watching porn in the first place but I'm trying to remember a lot of people have watched porn/do watch it without feeling the shame I feel now, over a year after stopping watching it. My OCD is fixating on this to the point where it's making me want to throw up. I have real event/moral ocd and my ocd really tries to make me feel bad about these memories from a long time ago.

I am not diagnosed with ocd. I began having distressing intrusive thoughts I think last December. It kept getting worse so I was looking for answers and ocd seemed similar to what I was experiencing. I don’t have any physical compulsions just mental ones where I can’t stop using affirmations like “I will never think/do ___” or “I have never thought ___”Then eventually I don’t even know how this happened but I discovered what pocd was, and I started thinking about what if I was a p in the past? I started having thoughts and images related to that and has been extremely distressing. I was afraid to go to sleep because I was afraid of having nightmares related to what I was worried about during the day. It got a little bit better when I realized I’m reacting the exact opposite to how someone who’s a p would. I am upset by these thoughts, I don’t want them, I have no desire to be anywhere near a child or hurt them in any way and I never have. I literally am avoiding looking at any child in public because I’m so scared. This is all in my head. But then recently I don’t know why it got bad again and I became convinced that I was one in the past. I used to play this game called moviestarplanet when I was a teenager and you could date other players on there and I started thinking what if I dated someone younger than me on there. Even though I know there is no possibility of that I can’t stop being convinced that it happened and that I’m in denial and don’t care. And my mind keeps coming up with new things trying to say that I did them and I know they are wildly untrue but I can’t stop worrying and I feel like I don’t want to live with this worry anymore that it could be true or become true. What do I do?

I don't know what to do. I'm far from my mom because of vacation, and I feel so guilty from last night that I feel like I have to confess when I talk to her today to make me feel better. The worst thing is, is that a part of me still wants to read the fic because there was a sweet romance, but the dark romance is coming more into the book, and it's just like a part of me wants to see how bad it is, but I know I probably shouldn't in my state. I also just can't think of anything else, because usually mind at least pops out from the trigger/intrusive thought for at least 2 minutes or more, but right now, it's just constantly at the back of my head, and I keep daydreaming about the sweet moments of the romance. I know I'm supposed to try and sit with this, but the guilt is consuming me so much and I just don't know what to do. For context of last night, here it is: Hey guys, currently panicking. To start off, my first big trigger happened after I was reading a fanfic, and it caused panic over a word that kept repeating in my head (sexual theme). That one eventually went away, but two weeks later, a new word (sexual theme) repeated in my head, and I have had that same trigger word in my head for about 5 months now. Which obviously scares me. It hasn’t been my main theme in a while, but my mind always reminds me at least 1-2 a day that it’s still there. The problem is that this fan fic doesn’t fit the traditional Christian values, and my mom is a Christian and grew me up as one, and after a while, the guilt consumed me so much that I told her what the fic was about, and tried to never watch/read anything like that again, but then all of a sudden tonight I got a strong urge to read it again, cause I knew new chapters have had to come out since I haven’t read the book in song long, and I start reading, I start to feel more and more guilty, and the word that has been my longest trigger word started to come back. And then dark themes started to be hinted at in the book, and it states that in the book apparently, but it started to make me panic because I started to question if maybe I’m secretly liking the dark theme. I mean I do love romance, but I started to feel weird and disgusted by what was a possibility in the book, and now I can’t sleep, feel guilty, am scared of the word repeating a lot in my head again, and feel the need to confess to my mom. And to make it clear, it’s better hard because I think a part of me will always believe there is a God, but it hasn't been easy for me to connect in a while, and I just feel like I don’t know where I stand faith wise, but I feel so guilty, and have been avoiding doing things because of Christian values, and because I felt like I knew better than to do certain things. This is all rambling, but thank you to anyone who has read all this. I just feel so out of control and scared, and I just feel so so guilty. I know it’s a compulsion writing this, but I just don’t know what to do, because I was doing well, and now I feel like I just put myself back to square one Sorry for writing a lot, I just haven't panicked this bad in a while and need help because I can't really reach to my therapist because I'm out of state, and I just don't know what to do