can’t tell if I’m really bisexual

I’m not asking for reassurance, i’m not even 100% sure if I have relationship/sexual orientation ocd, I just have been wondering this about myself for a while so if anybody has any thoughts i’d love to hear them. I’m a female, and bisexual. For the longest time I was so into guys, having crushes all the time and nonstop obsessing over them. But recently I got my first boyfriend and it made me realize that I’m not sure i’ve even ever liked the guys that I thought i did. I know that I wanted them to want me, but countless times, I would try to start something and end up being the one who hurts them because I realize I don’t like them like that. I think I knew i liked girls when I was around 12 (i’m now 19) but it has always been a different feeling than when I like guys. (preface: I know for a fact that I am sexually attracted to men) Me and the girl I have loved for over a year now have recently started to be more flirty sexually and it has made me question a lot of things. I know that when I see an attractive woman in the street, I won’t be attracted to her. I think it’s called demi-sexuality where you have to know the person first, so I always excused it as such. But the girl i love sent me a photo and I wasn’t turned on by it. it confused me because we have been together before physically and i loved it. i’ve tried looking it up but all i found is asexuality and situations that didn’t sound like my own. i know that i am physically attracted to women. i know that i am physically attracted to men. but when i see a man, i will automatically know that i am attracted to them. and this photo confused me because i know that i am attracted to her but her body just doesn’t necessarily turn me on? i’d like to think that it is just because i am more attracted to her personality, but this also brings out feelings that make me think about all the times when i would be so sure i liked a guy and then not like them emotionally. i wouldn’t want to start something with this girl and then feel like i’m faking being turned on by her body, even though i do want to be with her physically and in person. I also don’t find naked women attractive. I am pretty sure that i find naked men attractive. i am aware that i definitely have a preference for men, but i was so sure that i liked this girl. i cant see how i can like her and want to be with her physically but her body doesn’t turn me on, even though being with her does. (and no it isn’t anything about her body, i think she is perfect, it is just with any girl) if anyone has any thoughts i’d love to hear them because i am really confused. like i said, i am not even sure that i have these ocd subtypes, i think that anyone in my situation would also be confused and want to understand their feelings especially considering that i have never been in a successful relationship and at this point it has me wondering if i am even built for it if i am never able to be fully invested in a relationship whether it be emotionally or sexually. anyways, thank you for reading, i hope i can get some insight from someone.

ac_ac_

Date posted: 40w

You might be interested in looking into the split-attraction model! It talks about having a sexual orientation and romantic orientation that don't line up with one another (i.e. maybe being only sexually attracted to one gender, while only romantically attracted to another).

Camille67

Date posted: 40w

You said after things get real you always feel like you don't like them, could It be you just have a deep fear of having relationship? Idk if you have maybe some trauma and a part of you when things get real wants to runaway and It shuts down all your feelings? I'm just of course telling you and hypothesis

Camille67

Date posted: 40w

A hypothesis*

k_w_ocd

Date posted: 40w

@Camille67 i appreciate the thought, but i really don’t think that’s it. i think for the most part i just really like the idea of being interested in these people but when i actually am with them i just realize i don’t like them like i thought i did. it never feels how it should. i know everyone feels different, but i’ve always even people in relationships be like “i love you so much i wanna be with you forever” “i’m gonna marry you” stuff like that. and it’s a big reason i never had a relationship before recently. because i never felt that it was even a possibility for me to like someone that much. i’d always want more and feel like i was faking my affections when they would be romantic. my heart just hasn’t been in it. except for with this girl. i love her so much but then the sexual stuff confuses me. i’m attracted to her and want to be with her physically but just seeing her or any woman’s naked body doesn’t turn me on. it scares me because that isn’t normal and people have said maybe i’m not actually bisexual. and i’ve started to wonder that myself. any other woman i know who likes women, will see a woman’s body and be aroused i don’t know why i don’t. because i am when it comes to men. just weird. (sorry that turned into a rant😭😭 you might not know anything about that so u don’t have to respond if u don’t want to haha)

Camille67

Date posted: 40w

@k_w_ocd I wish I could really give you an answer but other than mentioning the other person's point of view, the one saying you can search about the split attraction model, I can only add that you're obsessing now on the attraction, so you probably are blocking your feelings with all the anxiety going on

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 19w

Lesbian with Sexual Orientation OCD

I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?

idkwhatusern...

Date posted: 16w

I’m questioning sexuality even though I’m young

Sort of a rant that probably sounds stupid and I’m kind of seeking reassurance… I’m still a relatively young teenager so I know I’ve got time to work all this out but I’m really confused about my sexuality. (I’m a girl) I’ve never been in a relationship (I don’t know if I want to be which is why I’m writing this) and sometimes I feel like I’ve never really had a crush and I just convinced myself that I did because I wanted to feel normal… but then maybe that’s false memory ocd??? I don’t really want to be in a long term relationship with a guy and idk about girls but idk if that’s just cos of my age??? Some days I hate the idea of ever dating, marrying or doing anything sexual. Other days I wish my mental / physical health was better so I could date someone! Everything I feel goes up and down a lot and idk why!? I have bad sexual intrusive thoughts that make me unsure whether anything that I think is real and my parents recently split up after not getting along for a few years. I don’t know if it’s my age, my ocd, my parents bad relationship, my sexuality (am I attracted to guys, girls? Am I ace!!!!???) Or something else but I have no idea who I am and I KNOW I’m young and have time but some other perspectives might help???? Can I ever be in a relationship if I have ocd like this? Also I’m really struggling not to compulsively seek reassurance and I don’t know who to talk to about all this irl I know I probably shouldn’t share this with random strangers but also idek if I care anymore 😭

polish_germa...

Date posted: 8w

I’m scared I might be more sexually attracted to women and more romantically to men

Hi everyone, I’ve been really anxious lately, and I just need to get this out of my head. Someone recently told me that maybe I’m bisexual — that I might be more sexually attracted to women, but more romantically attracted to men. That bisexuality is not 50/50. And ever since I heard that, I’ve been spiraling. The thing is: I don’t want this to be true. It scares me. I don’t feel romantic attraction to women, I’ve never wanted to be in a relationship with one. But yes, I get aroused by fantasies involving women — and that makes me feel broken or like I’ve been lying to myself. I love my boyfriend deeply, I don’t want to lose him. I want to feel fully connected to him, physically and emotionally. But now I’m stuck in this obsessive loop of questioning: “What if I’m just in denial?” “What if I’m not really straight?” “What if this is why my libido is low?” It’s exhausting, and I don’t know if this is OCD, anxiety, or if something is fundamentally wrong. Has anyone else felt this split — romantic feelings for one gender, sexual feelings for another? I feel so alone and scared. Thanks for listening.

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