- Date posted
- 40w
spiraling. can't take this
my mind is spiraling, trying to not listen to the worries about what if my bf SAed me and that's what's wrong. That it was more than a simple mistake and miscalculated move on his part that even though we've talked about mulittle times, including him listening completely and making sure to apologize and do what he can to make me feel safer Bringing up when he forgets to ask before touching me like he used to and I wouldn't mind. But now since my OCD keeps watching onto these moments, I need him to always ask. I didn't before. I was comfortable before. And im comfortable with him. I'm sure that without my ocd, I wouldn't be so hypervigilant and have these fears ruining my relationship with him. Although the ruined feelings are one sided, me being the one who feels that way. he's completely understanding and doesn't make me feel bad for it. I love him for it. But I feel so awful that I have these fears making the adrenaline course through me making me unable to think about anything else. Making me think that I'm trying to justify what he did even though I don't think it was SA, but every mention of rape or abuse is a trigger of those moments where I worry I'm suppressing what might be true. This isnt something can just "maybe, maybe not" until I calm down. I want nothing but to vent to him and cry in his arms about this. but we bith dont knowbwhat to do or say. It makes sexual intimacy so difficult too. I feel like I'm ruined. Like our relationship is doomed because my ocd latched onto one of the worst things ever, convincing me that something awful happened. im so scared and can't seem to navigate my way through this.