Homework

I have and she says it's just rumination. I really don't want my relationship to fall apart because of this. I'd be so upset if someone did it to me

@girlanon Well, if you’ve already talked about this and she’s deemed it rumination, then you should give it a go.

@Nica I don't want to give homework a go that will mess up my relationship. Whether or not im ruminating about my concerns doesn't feel like the point. The point is I'm messing up my relationship

@Nica I've been doing it for 5 days now. My girlfriend can definitely tell something is off

@girlanon Then you have to decide not to do it or not if you truly think it’s “messing up” your relationship. Or you tell your girlfriend what’s going on, which is the better option.

@Nica Yeah. I'm not sure if telling her will hurt her more. I have no idea anymore how to proceed, I feel like the damage is already done

The homework falls apart if I tell her. My therapist wants me to see if she takes initiative when I step back (I know her, she'll sense a change and pull away instead). She wants to see if there is behaviour change. I can't observe that if I tell her what's happening.

@girlanon Is this a specialist in OCD? Why is your therapist asking you to do this? Does this have any bearing on your healing?

@Scooterino Yeah she's from NOCD. And I don't know. There has ti be other ways to resist compulsions that aren't ghost my avoidantly attached girlfriend to test her

@girlanon I do not see any reason why you should "test" your gf for your OCD. Honestly that sounds more like it would feed a compulsion than fix it. If the problem is you always initiate conversation with your gf because you need her reassurance or its a compulsion for you to text at a certain time or use certain words then the exposure should be refraining from texting at that time/those words or acknowledge that you are seeking reassurance and stop yourself from asking your gf to reassure you. I would really recommend questioninh your therapist on this and asking for her reasoning. Just because a therapist is a professional doesn't mean they are perfect and it also doesn't mean they are the right therapist for your needs. I've had OCD my whole life, diagnosed in 2020. I have had six different therapists/professionals try to treat my OCD before I found the right fit for me. Don't be afraid to advocate for yourself. ♥️ The best thing you can do is ask your therapist why they want you to do your homework and what purpose it serves - it can give you a clearer picture on how to succeed to understand the reasoning behind it.

@Scooterino The reason she wants me to do this is because I'm having an issue in my relationship where my girlfriend isn't initiating or reciprocating my energy anymore. So my therapist wants me to see what she'll do when I don't do it for her, if she'll put any energy into it or just let us drift apart. But it feels like testing her. She's got avoidant attachment and I really think this will have the opposite effect.

@girlanon I mean, not communicating about it and just testing your gf seems counterintuitive to fixing the problem, right? And if she's an NOCD therapist, they are supposed to stay in a fixed program of helping you recover from OCD or put your OCD into remission. At least, when I used an NOCD therapist in 2021 that was the program. They aren't supposed to deviate into solving other issues.

@Scooterino Overall, I gues I'm saying I agree with your original post - this feels unhelpful and detrimental to your life and is not actively working toward easing your OCD. My partner has an avoidant attachment style and the best thing I've found to combat that is pointing it out. "I've noticed you're getting really distant when we talk about (insert subject here) - can we talk about it?" And then honoring his answer has been super helpful.

@Scooterino I definitely agree with her that I've developed a compulsion of constantly checking for texts, and of texting when I panic that I'm being forgotten. But I think maybe I'll find the happy medium of only messaging when I actually have something to say, and asking her if she can initiate sometimes. Thanks for your help! Just pulling away from her without communicating just seems like me doing exactly what she did that caused the issue we have now

@girlanon Like yes, it upsets me how rarely we communicate and see each other and I want to be a bigger priority in her busy life. Yes, im starting to realize that maybe that won't happen and she just isn't ready to date. But i really don't think this helps things and thanks so much for your outside opinion

@girlanon Your therapist may be thinking that this is an ocd problem that can be worked on, when really it might be more just a relationship issue where your girlfriend doesn’t take as much initiative as you’d like. If you think it’s more ocd, then test out the therapist advice, otherwise, I’d say yeah that sounds like playing games to me

@1230Anonymous My therapist wants us to break up because my girlfriend isn't stepping up. I think she's trying to prove to me that it's NOT just an ocd problem, but I already know that. We aren't in a healthy place. I just don't think this is the correct way to solve it

@girlanon Alright if it’s not an ocd problem, then your therapist isn’t really correct in calling it homework (presuming she’s trying to label it as “ERP”). And ignoring your girlfriend doesn’t sound like a good strategy haha, sounds like you need to just end it (if that’s what you’ve decided is best) or have a discussion with your girlfriend about the relationship

@1230Anonymous Yeah. I'm hoping we can work on it and make progress, but if not I know I'll have to end it because I'm not satisfied now. This however seems like a great way to make it worse. She told me to see it as giving her an opportunity to initiate, but I know she won't so 🤷🏼‍♀️