Soocd/hocd spiral

hello, i’m having a bit of a spiral so here it goes. if you have soocd and went on deep dives you have probably seen the story where the girl has soocd, but come out at her feared orientation, which is gay. big trigger for a lot of us. but i found that the only difference is she had past memories of being gay and then had hocd trying to convince herself that she’s straight not gay. mines similar in a way but i never had memories of being gay(ofc my ocd brain gets to tell me otherwise and will try and fake memories) and am just trying to figure out if im straight but also trying to figure out if i could be gay i was doing so good because i finally was like okay im still gonna have these soocd thoughts but i finally feel like okay i can say that im gonna come out of this straight because i don't have a history of being gay growing up. then this happens: i just saw a coming out story where a girl showed no signs of being gay had crushes on boys and dated boys and said she was fully boy crazy and even dreamed of like disney fairytales. she said the only thing was that she just sometimes didn’t want to hangout with her boyfriends. (like hello that's me). BUT THEN SHE WAS GAY! then i looked up if that happens a lot and google said yes it does, people don't have ANY signs of being gay when they are younger jen’s one cases i know ive been diagnosed with hocd and it's said the small percentage of people who have hocd and come out there feared sexuality and had pervious knowledge of being gay in there youth. BUT THIS GIRL DIDNT. so what if i have hocd, didn't show signs when i was younger, and am actually gay (the only difference between me and her is that i have hocd and im not comfortable with these thoughts and when she found out she was comfortable with these thoughts. but what if i accept these thoughts and get comfortable with being gay) i guess i just want to know im not alone.

Username: anonymous00001anonymous00001

Date posted: 17d ago

With love, I think reading other people’s SOOCD stories might be a bit of a compulsion. Especially if you’re trying to see whether or not you have SOOCD or if you are straight or gay. (I do the same thing compulsively). What might help you more in the end is learning to sit with the uncertainty that you may or may not be gay, and that any other person’s story has no impact on this outcome for you. As people with OCD, we looove to look for patterns, but if you look hard enough, you can find a pattern anywhere! Here’s a start: I have SOOCD and I’m also bisexual. My SOOCD tries to find evidence that I’m gay by looking at past experiences, AND evidence that I’m straight by looking at past experiences. It can find enough “evidence” either way and can torture me in whatever way feels scariest at the moment. Try to sit in that uncertainty! I know it’s so hard.

Username: anxioussimanxioussim

Date posted: 17d ago

Youre not alone! I have had many spirals abt this kinda stuff. I identify as bi so for me the grey area with my sexuality triggers my Ocd because it wants certainty. Treatment has helped shift my Perspective slowly but surely by trying to accept the uncertainty. It’s hard and I still struggle and the stakes always feel so scary for me (im married to a cis man lol so my thoughts come with the dread of having to leave him) BUT there is power in harnessing that uncertainty. Live for today and for the moment - it’s not happening right now, right? You’re not all of a sudden realizing you’re gay! So just take that for what it is. The what if’s will keep coming but you’re stronger than your ocd ♥️

Username: anxioussimanxioussim

Date posted: 17d ago

@anxioussim I also understand this is a lot harder than it sounds - trust me, I struggle too. But try not to google or be on social media too much unless you’re actively working on ERP with your therapist so you can learn the right tools to sit with the uncertainty

Username: anonymous12345675883anonymous123...

Date posted: 15d ago

@Emmanonymous just a quick question. were you bi before your hocd or did going through your hocd make you realize you were bi? like have you always known you were bi? sorry if that’s a weird question

Username: anonymous00001anonymous00001

Date posted: 14d ago

@anonymous12345675883 I sense some compulsing! I’ve had OCD my whole life. SOOCD started only a few years ago. I think I always knew I was bi and I came out way before SOOCD started.

Username: hocdgirlsummer

Date posted: 5y ago

Okay so having a lil anxiety attack right now because the thought of being gay aint scaring me anymore and now i feel like i truuuly am gay and like i have to come out to my parents and like im pressured by myself and not accepting myself and it feels just too real and idkkk its crazy how i can go from okay to this stage again. I feel like i try not to fall in love with woman and im holding myself back but if i truly was gay wouldnt it just liked the same sex earlier in my life. Like it just happens right? So ive never had that but i feel like im blocking myself from likjng woman but jve never liked them in my whole life so idk what im tryna convince myself. I cant lie, This generation is rlly hard on me when it comes to my hocd. Evergwhere around me people are comjng out and it makes it look like being gay is a huge posibility and that i could easily be gay when u look at how many people are gay. That it wouldnt be a weird case like so many girls are lesbian why wouldnt i be. What would make me straight and them gay? The thing is all these questjoms once were never in my head and all the answers were so clear i didnt even had to ask the questions to myself. But why do i now? Makes me feel like im gay because straight ppl would never ask themselves these questions...

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: ocdumbass

Date posted: 5y ago

i think i might be developing sexual orientation ocd because i identify as a lesbian but when i was a kid i only ever crushed on guys. im starting to wonder if i just had hocd the entire time and believed the thoughts so hard that i tricked myself into thinking im gay. but i really don't wanna be straight ?

Username: hlm2

Date posted: 2y ago

Hocd

So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?

Sexual Orientation OCD

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Soocd/hocd spiral

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