Harm ocd really bad episode

I went out to eat with mom yesterday, we were having a good time and my intrusive thoughts were , but suddenly while eating pasta using a fork I started having random images of me hurting her and the people at the other table with the fork (ridiculous right?) I’ve never had thoughts or fears regarding forks, I don’t consider them dangerous, it was mainly sharp knives or sharp scissors that scared me. But this happened out of the blue and the visuals I had felt very real, and was having commands and scenarios playing over and over in my heaf to harm my mom and these strangers. I got that scared I started visibly sweating and my eyes watery bc I was about to cry, my mom asked me if I was ok but ofc I was not going to ruin the moment even tho she knows about my harm ocd. It got even worse when the urges started that made me feel I was seconds away of doing something and the images became so violent and even replayed a scene of a whole outcome that would happen if I did the thing I feared the most. This was crazy af, I wanted to get up from there so bad and flee to the restroom to cry out, but I just needed to pretend and continue behaving as normal as I could so mom wouldn’t get worried, so I continued eating with the fork all the while havign thoughts, urges and visuals. It eventually passed and I didn’t harm anyone of course but it was horrific and ruined my entire day. I don’t understand why this is happening to me!! My mom is the most important person in my life, I love her more than anything and can’t imagine being without her, i would never do that horrible thing!! I am plagued by the fear of living like this for the rest of my life, as ocd doesn’t go away, it’s a lifelong disorder!! I’d rather be dead than living w this forver. The urges are the scariest thing of this disorder, it feels like i’m holding back and I could do it any second, which is the last thing I’d want. Today I woke up nauseated and crying a river bc what was looking as a perfect day got ruined once again. F**k this. Anybody had a similar episode? I just feel so alone..

kittylady96

Date posted: 44w

Please I just need to know i’m not alone with this feeling! Anyone? My head feels so heavy, I can’t calm down…

MatiasP99

Date posted: 44w

@kittylady96 Don’t worry, you’re not alone. OCD makes us feel this way. As I’m writing this, im terrified of my Harm OCD. I am alone with my mom for a few hours and every bone in my body wants me to run away to keep her safe. I know it logically I wouldn’t hurt her but ofc my OCD tries to trick me. So I’m trying to endure with this exposure. So in a way the fact you didn’t run, it means that you did an exposure and nothing happened. It’s crazy to say but it does get better. I have to convince my self of that from time to time too but this is just this stupid disorder trying to get a bigger grasp on you. I love my mom more than anyone too and would never hurt her but ofc OCD attacks her. Think of it this way. The fact OCD attacks your mom, proves how much you love her and would never hurt her. Hope I was able to help. Hang in there. It gets better. Even if I’m going through the same thing as you right now, I know it gets better because I have experienced those good days too. I hope this can help you see you’re not alone, you’re not crazy, and you CAN get through this. Hope you’re doing ok😊

kittylady96

Date posted: 44w

@MatiasP99 I can’t thank you enough for your kind words!😭 <3 I know it’s so very hard to be alone with the person harm ocd fixated on, those feelings are horrifying. This disorder is so cruel, we really don’t deserve this :( your comment made me calm down a lot, as i’ve been very depressed all day and it’s so nice to know i’m not alone with this thoughts and episodes. I just hope we’ll be able to get through this and one day we’ll just look back and this will only be a distant dark memory 🙏🏻😔

MatiasP99

Date posted: 44w

@kittylady96 I’m glad I was able to help a bit. It is cruel but it does get better. Don’t feel bad if from time to time you get intense anxiety and even panic attacks. It’s all a process. Also the lack of anxiety with the thoughts doesn’t mean you want to do the thing. It’s just all OCD. So I’m glad I was able to help. Hang in there you got this!! You’re stronger than you think 😊 if you ever need to talk though, feel free to reach out to me. Glad you’re better

kittylady96

Date posted: 44w

@MatiasP99 Thank you so much! 🙏🏻😊 how can I dm you here?

MatiasP99

Date posted: 44w

@kittylady96 I actually don’t know how you can haha but you can follow me I think on the app. I think that’s how you do it. You press the 3 dots and then add person

laladracu

Date posted: 24w

Harm ocd

I am so scared that my *undiagnosed* OCD is going to make me harm someone close to me in my family. I’m afraid of knives, I’m afraid of things that COULD be a weapon like pens, forks or anything like that. My sister is my BFF and my thoughts have latched onto her. I’m so afraid!! I don’t know how to make them stop. How do I stop and will it eventually subside? How do I work on compulsions? I’m on Zoloft 50mg as well for 3.5 weeks and a lot of my other worries have subsided except this one. I feel like a crazy person :( Also does this sound like OCD?

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 20w

Horrible, feeling anxious.

Hey guys. I feel like no one will even reply to my post. I feel anxious af. I could barley eat a plate of soup. I feel so drained and fatigued and feel the anxiety in my stomach. I'm just so worried I don't even have harm ocd anymore. Its just... I grew up in a household where swatting people was normalized like if you did something really naughty. I never really questioned it and I grew up thinking it was an okay thing and would sometimes swat someone when they are being naughty growing up and even recently. I would never swat someone at full force or enough to make someone cry just more like a hard tap to get their attention but it feels automatic? And even then it's really really rare for me to do, i much rather talk sternly or tell someone. When i do swat its bc like if someone scared me I guess I hit their hand and say "THAT SCARED ME" and we both start laughing or if my older niece was roughhousing with her younger sister and the younger one gets hurt and the older one laughs, I swat the older one once or twice on her arm as a discipline and say "what is wrong with you??? Why are you laughing? You are much older than her! You could've seriously hurt her." And idk how but i never thought like how wrong this is?!... and I feel like sh/t like ocd keeps saying "well you have swatting impulses when someone is misbehaving or if someone scares or hits you, meaning if you get an impulse to do something really evil instead, you wouldnt be able to control yourself huh?" And I started to get so anxious and scared. Ive NEVER acted out on the harm ocd thoughts (nor do i even want to) ive been getting daily for 4 years even when they are misbehaving. But i get so scared like WHAT IF I get an impulse to do the evil thoughts? What if I lose control?! Is this a history of violence/ low impulse?! Does this mean i would act out on my fears?! I've never wanted to do these thoughts before but i get scared like what if I do one day? This whole day ive been ruminating and asking ai for reassurance. I feel terrible. I feel like a horrible person. I started to cry. I just cant anymore. I feel this weight on my chest. I feel so evil so irredeemable. I f/cking suck. I hate myself so much right now. I feel so much guilt and shame. Why am I still here anymore? Maybe i dont even have ocd and maybe i never did. This is just breaking my heart. I want to change and unlearn this swatting behavior as well for sure. :(

bradyx20

Date posted: 20w

don’t know what’s happening to me

i haven’t been diagnosed with ocd but I have anxiety about harming other people/family members and it’s like urges and im scared I actually want to do it? I don’t think I’ve ever been violent as a kid (im 21 now) and the intrusive thoughts don’t go away so im just stuck all day everyday for the past few weeks just thinking and being scared about it and im having all these weird emotions like being irritated and angry I don’t want to hurt people I don’t think idk why my mind is making me think I do I’ve had intrusive thoughts before that I could brush away sure it took like a day or two but this one is different it doesn’t go away and leaves me with the worst fear imaginable and nothing I look up that should be giving me relief is giving me relief + I feel like im not in control of my body and that im just gonna lose it and act on these thoughts it’s just all on a loop and im not sure how im supposed to live the rest of my life when im in constant fear of my self

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Harm ocd really bad episode

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