Harm ocd really bad episode

I went out to eat with mom yesterday, we were having a good time and my intrusive thoughts were , but suddenly while eating pasta using a fork I started having random images of me hurting her and the people at the other table with the fork (ridiculous right?) I’ve never had thoughts or fears regarding forks, I don’t consider them dangerous, it was mainly sharp knives or sharp scissors that scared me. But this happened out of the blue and the visuals I had felt very real, and was having commands and scenarios playing over and over in my heaf to harm my mom and these strangers. I got that scared I started visibly sweating and my eyes watery bc I was about to cry, my mom asked me if I was ok but ofc I was not going to ruin the moment even tho she knows about my harm ocd. It got even worse when the urges started that made me feel I was seconds away of doing something and the images became so violent and even replayed a scene of a whole outcome that would happen if I did the thing I feared the most. This was crazy af, I wanted to get up from there so bad and flee to the restroom to cry out, but I just needed to pretend and continue behaving as normal as I could so mom wouldn’t get worried, so I continued eating with the fork all the while havign thoughts, urges and visuals. It eventually passed and I didn’t harm anyone of course but it was horrific and ruined my entire day. I don’t understand why this is happening to me!! My mom is the most important person in my life, I love her more than anything and can’t imagine being without her, i would never do that horrible thing!! I am plagued by the fear of living like this for the rest of my life, as ocd doesn’t go away, it’s a lifelong disorder!! I’d rather be dead than living w this forver. The urges are the scariest thing of this disorder, it feels like i’m holding back and I could do it any second, which is the last thing I’d want. Today I woke up nauseated and crying a river bc what was looking as a perfect day got ruined once again. F**k this. Anybody had a similar episode? I just feel so alone..

kittylady96

Date posted: 41w

Please I just need to know i’m not alone with this feeling! Anyone? My head feels so heavy, I can’t calm down…

MatiasP99

Date posted: 41w

@kittylady96 Don’t worry, you’re not alone. OCD makes us feel this way. As I’m writing this, im terrified of my Harm OCD. I am alone with my mom for a few hours and every bone in my body wants me to run away to keep her safe. I know it logically I wouldn’t hurt her but ofc my OCD tries to trick me. So I’m trying to endure with this exposure. So in a way the fact you didn’t run, it means that you did an exposure and nothing happened. It’s crazy to say but it does get better. I have to convince my self of that from time to time too but this is just this stupid disorder trying to get a bigger grasp on you. I love my mom more than anyone too and would never hurt her but ofc OCD attacks her. Think of it this way. The fact OCD attacks your mom, proves how much you love her and would never hurt her. Hope I was able to help. Hang in there. It gets better. Even if I’m going through the same thing as you right now, I know it gets better because I have experienced those good days too. I hope this can help you see you’re not alone, you’re not crazy, and you CAN get through this. Hope you’re doing ok😊

kittylady96

Date posted: 41w

@MatiasP99 I can’t thank you enough for your kind words!😭 <3 I know it’s so very hard to be alone with the person harm ocd fixated on, those feelings are horrifying. This disorder is so cruel, we really don’t deserve this :( your comment made me calm down a lot, as i’ve been very depressed all day and it’s so nice to know i’m not alone with this thoughts and episodes. I just hope we’ll be able to get through this and one day we’ll just look back and this will only be a distant dark memory 🙏🏻😔

MatiasP99

Date posted: 41w

@kittylady96 I’m glad I was able to help a bit. It is cruel but it does get better. Don’t feel bad if from time to time you get intense anxiety and even panic attacks. It’s all a process. Also the lack of anxiety with the thoughts doesn’t mean you want to do the thing. It’s just all OCD. So I’m glad I was able to help. Hang in there you got this!! You’re stronger than you think 😊 if you ever need to talk though, feel free to reach out to me. Glad you’re better

kittylady96

Date posted: 41w

@MatiasP99 Thank you so much! 🙏🏻😊 how can I dm you here?

MatiasP99

Date posted: 41w

@kittylady96 I actually don’t know how you can haha but you can follow me I think on the app. I think that’s how you do it. You press the 3 dots and then add person

flowerpetals

Date posted: 24w

frustrating

harm ocd is the bane of my existence. people always tell me that if you have anxiety over a thought, that’s ocd. and these intrusive thoughts cause me IMMENSE anxiety. i’m constantly looking for reasons why i’m not what these thoughts tell me i am. but WHY DOES IT FEEL SO REAL?? it’s like i can’t reassure myself that this isn’t me and i don’t want to do it, but i also look for reasons why it’s not me. my brain is constantly telling me “if you don’t act on this, you’ll never feel free”. WHAT EVEN IS THAT?? and why does it feel real?? anytime i think about getting therapy, i constantly think that it’s not going to help me positively but help me realize i am this person. i just wish someone with harm ocd could get into my brain, understand me, and tell me everything will be okay. i wish someone in recovery could tell me that they’ve been where i am, felt the same feelings, thought the same thoughts, and got through it when they thought they wouldn’t. i feel like i’m drowning in it. another thing is i think about how my mom knows a surface level understanding to this form of my ocd, but if she knew it all, i’m scared she’d never look at me the same. i’m scared she’d be scared of me and think i need psychiatric help. IM TERRIFIED.

Harm OCD

joshuadrennen

Date posted: 23w

struggling with harm OCD

i’m back in a cycle of having harm related OCD thoughts and feelings and urges and i get these episodes where it’s like i’m disassociating and feel like i’m about to snap and go crazy violent. does anyone else experience this? i need help

laladracu

Date posted: 21w

Harm ocd

I am so scared that my *undiagnosed* OCD is going to make me harm someone close to me in my family. I’m afraid of knives, I’m afraid of things that COULD be a weapon like pens, forks or anything like that. My sister is my BFF and my thoughts have latched onto her. I’m so afraid!! I don’t know how to make them stop. How do I stop and will it eventually subside? How do I work on compulsions? I’m on Zoloft 50mg as well for 3.5 weeks and a lot of my other worries have subsided except this one. I feel like a crazy person :( Also does this sound like OCD?

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Harm ocd really bad episode

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