questioning everything

@djflorio thank you so much for your reply. another question: i occasionally get a feeling with people close to me where it feels like the vibe/conversation is flirtatious and i get an uncomfortable feeling (not groinal).. is this ocd? and how do you go about treating it?

@girlsoconfusin - No problem! It's very common for people to try to figure out whether a certain feeling or a thought "is OCD" or not, but I think there's a slight misunderstanding there. OCD isn't a specific feeling, thought, or reaction. It refers more to the behavioral pattern of trying to get rid of intrusive thoughts and anxiety with compulsions. So you feeling uncomfortable in these flirtatious scenarios isn't "OCD" on its own. Where OCD might come in is if you start trying to analyze this feeling with thoughts like, "does this mean that I'm gay/straight?" and then constantly ruminating and/or checking for signs for any sort of evidence to gain certainty. This then leads to more anxiety, and more intrusive thoughts. So in other words, that uncomfortable feeling you're talking about isn't a problem. It's simply the way you're reacting in that situation. There could be a million reasons why you may react that way. My suggestion would be to really pay attention and FEEL that feeling when it happens. Mindfulness is key for all of this. You want to get out of your head and into your body. Notice where you feel the discomfort and how it presents itself. Does your chest get tight? Do you start breathing faster and shallower? Do you feel a lump in your throat? Are your shoulders or neck tense? The key is to try to be aware of all this stuff without judgement. It's okay to feel however you feel, no matter what the "why" is. If thoughts are going crazy, just try to respond with, "I'm aware of this discomfort," or something along those lines. There's nothing to figure out in the moment other than what you're physically aware of. If you practice this enough, you will slowly become more acquainted with your feelings and emotions, rather than being so distracted by your thoughts about them. Maybe the "why" behind the feeling will naturally become more apparent over time. I'm not sure if you've practiced ERP before, but if not I highly suggest looking into it or learning about it if you often get lost in the OCD cycle.

@djflorio If you have any resources on how to practice ERP on yourself they’d be greatly appreciated. Also, I currently have a fear of blurting/accidentally telling people close to me my inappropriate themes and I’m afraid. Any advice on this? I have a roadtrip coming up and I don’t want this to stress me on it.

@girlsoconfusin - Doing it with a therapist is always the best approach if you are able to, but if not then you can still learn about it and get the general idea. The YouTube channel "OCD and Anxiety" has a lot of good information on it, in bite-sized videos that cater to many different themes. I'm sure he has some on sexual orientation triggers. The key with practicing ERP is to take things slowly and to find exposures that are just outside of your comfort zone. You want to work your way up to the more intense exposures at your own pace. As for the fear of blurting out inappropriate things, that's just another intrusive thought. One of the most common responses taught by OCD specialists is, "maybe, maybe not." When you have the thought, "I'm going to reveal something inappropriate about myself," try to respond with, "maybe I will, maybe I won't," and then focus your attention on something other than your thoughts. Or if you get intrusive, "what if..." thoughts, try responding with, "so what?" The point is not to argue with the thoughts or try to disprove them. I promise you that constantly focusing on those thoughts does nothing to increase or decrease your chances of acting on them, and neither does NOT focusing on them. That's because ultimately, thoughts themselves don't "make" us do anything. But if you give those thoughts a lot of attention because they make you anxious, you'll condition the mind to look out for those thoughts more intently, and thus they will arise much more often. The fact of the matter is that these thoughts will probably arise while you're on this road trip. But that's totally fine! Those thoughts can be there and you can still have a good time. It's just a matter of not getting wrapped up in them. Think of it this way: if you go on the road trip and have a good time despite your fear of these thoughts, you will be training the mind to be less afraid of them. It's actually a fantastic opportunity for you. Try to view it as more of an experiment; a chance to see how your body reacts to being in a situation that you are mentally afraid of. Try having the attitude of, "I'm going to go on a roadtrip, AND I'll probably experience intrusive thoughts that may or may not stress me out." As well as, "maybe I'll say something I regret, and maybe I won't." Always always always bring yourself into the present moment. If you start to feel stressed from intrusive thoughts on the trip, take the time to notice how you physically feel the stress. Just be aware of it without fighting it. All of this is about non-resistance.

@girlsoconfusin Again I'd say to sit with that discomfort. If it's unbearable, then it likely means that you're doing some sort of compulsion, like ruminating about why you might feel that way, or trying to check for signs that you feel some sort of attraction. Focusing on what the person is saying is a good way to be present, although in your case the issue is you're trying analyze what they're saying and check for something you're afraid of. Instead, see if you can listen to them without analyzing. Just hear what they're saying without any speculation. You will have intrusive thoughts while you do that, and you might feel uncomfortable, but just take notice of those things and then return your attention to the conversation. I know I sound like a broken record, but again, you don't need to get rid of that uncomfortable feeling, and you don't have to do anything about the intrusive thoughts. You just need to notice how often your attention is hijacked by the compulsive need to analyze the situation. Once you notice yourself doing that, gently bring yourself back. Even if it happens 1000 times. When you say you're dealing with suicidal ideations, do you mean intrusive suicidal thoughts? If so, you can use that same "maybe, maybe not" approach when they arise, and then bring your attention to something in the present. Intrusive thoughts about anything are trying to bring you into the past or the future. But the past is gone and the future is completely uncertain. The only thing that we have is what is happening right now, even if that means noticing they you feel anxious and are aware of scary thoughts. Another thing you can look into is Radical Acceptance. It's a technique used in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and mindfulness-based practices. You can find several videos about it on YouTube or read up on it. If you're looking for something to read and aren't totally averse to self-help/spiritual books, Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach is a beautiful one. Another good one (which was recommended by a therapist on NOCD) is Everyday Mindfulness for OCD by Hershfield Nicely, which is a bit less fluffy and to-the-point if that's more your style. In any case, I wish you peace as you await your next appointment!