- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 44w
In the thick of it
I’ve been really struggling for the past week. It comes and goes in waves, but it’s been a lot. I’m doing my best today to not spiral, but I am full of what ifs. I’m just trying my hardest not to follow them down the hole. Some days this feels so real and has me fully convinced that I am gay and that I need to leave my husband, but at the end of the day I know I want to be in bed with my husband giving him a big kiss goodnight. My exposure for the next week and a half before my next session is to watch my wedding video daily and track my distress and practice my response prevention. It’s been tough! After my episode over the summer I haven’t been able to watch it because of all the guilt i’ve been feeling (and I was someone who watched her wedding video once a week since getting married 3 years ago and always glowed when I watched it.) It’s been tough, i feel this rush of fear and sadness wash over me and I just have to do my best not to react. After doing my exposure this morning, i was able to handle the task, but afterwards I started spiraling a bit. I’m screaming to myself in the car “YOU DON’T HAVE TO FOLLOW THAT THOUGHT” or “YOU DONT NEED TO FIGURE THIS OUT” but it’s so tough. I know they say that when you’re in the throws of OCD everything and anything can become a trigger. I keep getting flashes of old coming out videos I’ve watched, articles about LBL that I have read, masculine presenting women that I have seen that have caused me discomfort and anxiety. I’m doing my best to sit with it, but these thoughts are coming at me from so many different angles. I am hoping I am at the end of this flare up soon.