How do I move on from the past? 20+ only please

Thank you very much. Yes I do believe porn does a HORRIBLY TERRIBLE job at using security to keep children away. Judging by the things I've seen as a teenager, they don't care at all about hiding content that children could see based on shows that they've grown up watching. I know this because when I was a teenager, that's ALL I've watched at the time and I was okay with that because I didn't know better. I don't know if maybe maybe not helps me but I'm trying to figure out things that do. Journaling kind of helps. I'm really sorry you found that stuff at only 9. My earliest memory of finding it was at 11. Feels like this is the only thing that holds me back from appreciating myself in life.

@BigGyro09 Yeah it’s definitely not talked about enough. I’m glad journaling is kind of helping sometimes having something kind of help is better than nothing at all. I think you having the motivation to want to love and appreciate yourself is an amazing first step. Just keep at it with the journaling and if you have a therapist that will be the best outlet but if not I’m sure there are some online resources for this type of thing. I’ve never actually looked it up but there’s a guy Nathan Peter’s (I think that’s his name) but he has an amazing channel on ocd and he brings up the topic of guilt a lot. I think understanding that is also a really important thing.

@kindermind I don't know how often schools dodge the topic of sexual education where I come from, but I didn't get any of it. Not even a little bit in the form of hints. It was just never explained to me. I'm honestly still figuring out how I go about relationships and boundaries for it, but I know I'm not ready for that yet. Not with this being a problem in my life for so many years. I know I deserve to treat myself better than this but there are just a lot of times where I don't believe it because of the past and what other people have told me much further in the past. I just focus on the bad experiences more than I do the good. I guess another start is just constantly reminding myself of the positive things that happens and the good things that I do, even if I feel they are outweighed by the bad.

@kindermind And Nathan Peterson is a great guy. He puts out very helpful content and he's honest about OCD and topics around it. Him, Chrissie Hodges, Katie D'ath, Allegra Kastens, and other helpful people that talk about OCD have made a good difference for us.

@BigGyro09 Yeah sadly where I’m from it’s basically the same. While reminding yourself of the good things is by no means a bad thing to do just be mindful of it possibly becoming a new compulsion to combat those bad feelings. Which I think there’s something they say about having positive compulsions aren’t necessarily bad if they aren’t becoming distressing but I’m not sure if I’m remembering that right. Something I do sometimes when I’m genuinely so tired of it all I’ll almost go into like bratty teen mode and be like “yeah ok sure brain whatever” and sometimes, not always, but sometimes it really works to just say ok whatever and just let the thoughts be there but don’t fight back. Don’t acknowledge it because then you’re giving it power over you and how you live. This disorder fucking sucks but at least we have apps like this and other resources. I know we’ll get through this and while it might not ever truly “go away” I think all of us have the capability to get better and manage these things. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for people who suffered from ocd before they even knew what it was.

@kindermind I'm not really sure when those positive reinforcements will become compulsive to be honest. Maybe it won't be a bad thing if it does? I'm not sure. The worst part about all of this is just remembering all of those disturbing, straight up messed up things and the grey area content when I was younger. If it's not that it's the very taboo content that works in extremes. I also know that this happens to a lot of people that watch porn though. They get bored of the usual thing and they escalate to more extreme things, but it doesn't say anything about who they truly are. I just hate remembering them no matter what. It must've been so terrible for people to struggle with OCD before we really knew what it was. They were no doubt misdiagnosed unfortunately. Thank you for your help. It really helps to ask someone who's been in the same boat. Not that I wish we were ever in this position to begin with.

@BigGyro09 I had a different response but I guess it didn’t load properly so it didn’t post on my end. In case it didn’t post for you either, I agree with everything you’ve said. I hope that seeing other people relate helps a bit. And I hope that this journey won’t be too taxing on you but I know with ocd that’s pretty wishful thinking. So for now I hope that you understand how strong you really are and we’ll get through this. Sadly however I do think it will be hard recovering in a world where they won’t even broach the topic of children having access to and becoming addicted to porn. But it’s not your job to worry about that right now you just focus on feeling better just one day at a time.

@kindermind Seeing other people relate helps as a reminder that I'm not alone. It's very easy to fall into the false trap of being alone because the thoughts about this are so consuming and take up a lot of time. There's also plenty of triggers for it to show up. I don't really know how to overcome the shame and guilt from this right now, so as you said, I'll just focus on the good times for each day. So far, there are a good amount. Thank you very much for your help and input on this. I really do appreciate it.

@BigGyro09 Of course I’m glad I could help. This topic is something that I don’t hear many people talk about and it can feel so isolating. I hope you have a good day/night

@kindermind You too! Happy Thanksgiving as well if you celebrate it.