I need help

Ok so I (15m) am currently going through the worst breakdown I have ever had and it’s because I’m terrified I could’ve s@d my little brother and I have reason I did because when we were kids we were exposed to explicit content by our older brother and when I was 9 and he was 7 I cocs@d him and he says he doesn’t remember that happening but I remember it clearly and how it happened and now I’m wondering if I s@d him again after that and I’m terrified i did because I think I made him a victim of s@ I basically ruined his life. And I exposed to a lot of explicit content and idk why I thought it was ok and normal but I’m scared I could’ve s@d him he said no but like idk that doesn’t mean it didn’t happened and he is currently like rude to me and said he hates me and sometimes he is rude and sometimes he is nice but mostly kind of rude hitting me and honestly idk I deserve it I mean like he is also very touchy and sudd like that and I’m worried I could’ve caused that like what if I traumatized him I feel sick so sick

Lpz89

Date posted: 36w

False memory ocd?

Lalilolou

Date posted: 36w

Real event ocd is extremely difficult to deal with. You were a child at the end of the day, and I don’t want to give you reassurance but you have to train yourself to accept the possibility either way. And just remember you can’t control or predict the future and can’t change the past. IF he ever brings something up to you, you CAN choose how to act according to your values in that moment. But there’s an equal probability that he thinks it’s no big deal. Try not to confess or compulsively apologize. Try to surrender it to the universe Ans show yourself compassion and acceptance

GuiltyGrapes

Date posted: 36w

@Lalilolou Yea I just feel like if I did it again after I was 9 then that would mean I am horrible that would mean I am a sex offender and that I hurt my little brother like that and idk it’s just so crushing to think that I have a high probability I did that

Lalilolou

Date posted: 36w

@GuiltyGrapes No, the particulars don’t matter, even if it happened again after 9, you were still a child, it’s a mistake yes, and a regret, but you clearly know better now

GuiltyGrapes

Date posted: 36w

@Lalilolou Yea but I feel so bad like shouldnt I get punishment I mean if I told anyone they would agree I should be punished I mean if it did happen then I should get punishment and the thing is when I think about I can’t remeber but like it feels like I do remember it happening like it 100% happened and I’m scared I mean I guess it’s my fault and I’m scared of being labeled a sex offender

Lalilolou

Date posted: 36w

@GuiltyGrapes The “punishment” part is the OCD. No matter how much pain and guilt you feel, if you give in to it, it will never let you move on until you beat it. The issue isn’t even the event from your childhood, the issue now is OCD and how to battle it

GuiltyGrapes

Date posted: 36w

@Lalilolou Yea but I just feel like I should be punished I mean I probably s@d my little brother when I was 10-14 and like I did it when we were 9 and he doesn’t remeber that and I mean what if I did I would be he scum of the earth everyone I love would leave me and rightfully so I feel so anxious idk anymore

danielllll

Date posted: 17w

Feeling extremely guilty and don’t know what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

sanshine

Date posted: 15w

Brain is frazzled adults only please

Worried about situation that happened with nephew new memory or not idk I'm scared Worried about situation that happened with nephew I'm so scared when I was holding my nephew I thought " I wonder if this would sexually stimulate him" ( not the exact words don't want to be extremely graphic) I began to bump him like how people bump babies on their hips he was on my stomach cuz that's how he was handed to me. Now I fear I remember also thinking if his diaper would stimulate his private part or something like that IDK LIKE I FEEL LIKE I REMEMBER THINKING THAT BUT ALSO DON'T??? LIKE O FEEL LIKE maybe I thought this at a different time for whatever weird reason but then I'm scared that it makes sense it would happen when I held him. Does it change the situation?????I feel extremely sick because I don't know why I would think that or if it was my brain or me. Idk if it was or wasn't cuz I felt his diaper against me? Was I curious if it would? It feels like I was curious but wth why???Was it just something weird I thought? Am I actually a monster? I had been having disturbing thoughts I'm pretty sure that were related to my POCD in general for a while before that. Ik my nephew didn't get hurt but I'm so scared why would I do something like that I feel so sick and disgusted. I know away from that situation I have no sexual interest or attraction towards him I'm just so freaked out and disgusted. I don't wanna be a bad person and I don't want my worst fear to be true.

Idontknow

Date posted: 14w

Help

18+ help pleaseeeeeeee What if he’s actually doing it I’m worried So I’m convinced my 9 year old brother is raping me in my sleep i saw that the controller for the lamp was on my bed and I immediately thought he did something to me and he said he didn’t put that on my bed that he woke up and went to my moms room to change and I just got a suspicious feeling like maybe he did do something to me I’m worried about it I’m just thinking every time he tries to get close to me is because he’s doing it for inappropriate reasons and I get weirded out by him being close to me or him looking at me or being talkative to me it’s like I’m very suspicious I want to ask him because I’m worried like you think he could do that to me? (edited)

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