Moms/dads with pocd..feel so defeated and alone

I’m struggling worse than I ever have. I’ve been in a bad flare up the past 2 weeks and it’s getting worse each day. I’ve always been able to get back on track but this time it’s so hard and affecting my time with my kids.Last night for the very first time I had an ocd dream. It was horrible and I know it’s just my ocd manifesting into my dreams but i’ve been beating myself up because while dreaming I woke up briefly and became aware of the dream and was disturbed but just went right back to sleep. How could I just go back to sleep like that?? Then as i’m struggling to cope with that my 2 worst false memories about my children came to mind and i’m struggling with those all over again now. I developed ocd as postpartum so my ocd has always targeted my kids. My ocd has come and gone over the years. First harm ocd and then switched to pocd. I’ve always had a fear of unwillingly and unknowingly acting out my thoughts in my sleep and doing something inappropriate to them. So twice over the years I had a false memory based on real event situation. One with my son when he was a toddler and one with my daughter when she was around 7. With my son it was a long time ago so some of my memory has faded about it which makes it worse but basically he was sleeping with me one night and in the morning I got up and he was still asleep so I went downstairs to clean a bit. When I went back upstairs he was awake and had the blanket wrapped around him. I said goid morning and told him to come down for beeakfast but when he cane out of the blanket his underwear weren’t on. I yelled at him and asked where they were and why he took them off and yelled back “you!” My ocd immediately kicked in telling me I must have done something to him in my sleep and that day has forever haunted me even though I know i’d never do anything inappropriate to him and that him being a toddler there are so many other reasons for why he had no underwear on I still feel like what if it’s true? Then with my daughter, she slipped into bed with me one night and during the night she said “mommy!” I woke up slightly and lifted my head up saying “sorry mama” and moved over and went back to sleep thinking I must have rolled over onto her or something but when I woke up the next morning my ocd said that I must have done something inappropriate ti her in my sleep. I asked her about it a short time later and she said she didn’t remember that. Deep down I know I love my kids and would never do these things but because of my ocd/pocd I always have tge uncertainty of what if it’s true? So to have that ocd dream last night which was the first time that’s ever happened, while I know it’s just ocd I just can’t stop hating myself for waking up briefly realizing the dream was happening and feeling upset but then just going back to sleep like it was no big deal. Ocd has ruined my life and made me question and hate myself for years. Are there any other moms/dads out there with pocd that have had similar experiences? Please help. I don’t want to live like this anymore. It’s debilitating😪

Anonymous

Date posted: 35w

Trigger warning I can relate to similar situations. One of my compulsions is using the recording (memo) on my phone because I’m scared of false memories. I’m too scared to even write about it but I want to thank you for sharing. Definitely not alone. I’m in therapy but it’s been a slow process. I’m a mommy too.

hopefulxmess

Date posted: 35w

@Anonymous Ty so much for sharing with me. I’m sorry you struggle like this too but it helps to know i’m not alone and someone else understands.

exhaustedmom

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 35w

Listen I'm have struggled with some of the things you mentioned. But therapy and antidepressants helped. Have you tried any kind of antidepressant? It could be worth it. I still have thoughts. But they have become easier to dismiss and I don't stay stuck on them as much or often.

hopefulxmess

Date posted: 35w

@exhaustedmom I have been on antidepressants in the past and I got better and got off of them because my ocd was in remission for years and once off the meds when my ocd would flare up I was still able to dismiss it easily but recently it’s just been so bad and so hard and I don’t know why. I really want to get better on my own if I can but i’m struggling.

exhaustedmom

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 35w

@hopefulxmess Mine went into remission also. I have quit antidepressants several times before. But it has made a world of difference for me because I was in the EXACT same spot as you! But try to remind yourself you got through it once. You can do it again! <3 I hope you're able to find peace through it at some point.

hopefulxmess

Date posted: 35w

@exhaustedmom Ty💕

bruceWayne1

Date posted: 35w

I don’t know you,and I’m not a mom lol, but I am someone’s kid, I’m 16 and suffer with pocd too. I can’t imagine being a mom with pocd. being a mom alone sounds pretty stressful, but with pocd must be very difficult. I’m so sorry u have to go through that but I just want you to know as someone else’s daughter, I’d be extremely proud to have u as my mother:)))

hopefulxmess

Date posted: 35w

@bruceWayne1 Ty so much💕

allthethoughts

Date posted: 26w

researching

Bradinrichard2

Date posted: 21w

Pocd

I’ve always had ocd. But never experienced pocd until after I got pregnant and was fixing to deliver. Anyone else? I’ve been struggling with this for almost 2 years 😩 and Prozac gives me heart palpitations I’m at my breaking point. Idk who I am anymore. And it’s so hard having to be a mother of two on top of not wanting to do anything bc my brain tells me everything I’m doing is inappropriate ☹️

Anony1314

Date posted: 13w

Someone help me please

Please help me. I need support. I just need someone to be up front with me. Tell me the truth. I want to get past it all. I'm struggling STRUGGLING today. My mind is telling me I'm the only one who is dealing with something like this. Idk why I did my biggest fear. I was put on a new medication when this happened which caused me to spiral, my thoughts to be more often, and have insomnia. I have been diagnosed with POCD as well. I woke up in the middle of the night when my child was laying completely cross my chest. I was breathing and having groinal sensations. My mind told me that I assaulted her by this, and I was going to prison for it. My thoughts started going like this, "you're already bad might as well do something else", "no sense in stopping now" "you can finally do what you've always wanted", "what would you do if you could do anything to cause harm" So I had to think of what to do in the moment. The only thing I could think to do was move my elbow towards my child's groin. In the moment it felt like I really wanted to do this. I proceeded to do so, and my elbow touched her groin. I immediately told my child to move off me. I then went back to sleep. When I woke up, I began panicking, confessing to a family member what happened, and crying immensely. I feel like I failed as a mother. I'm in such distress since I started sleeping on the floor to avoid it from happening again, and I got off the medication. I'm so much better OCD wise since I got off the meds. I was the BEST mom months ago before this happened. The thoughts have always bothered me, and I was always scared I would give in and act on them. I'm living my worst nightmare. I feel alone. Felt so wanted in the moment and SO real. Ugh. Could someone just give me some support? (edited)

Anony1314

Date posted: 13w

Please someone comment. Struggling POCD mom.

Please please help me. I need support. I just need someone to be up front with me. Tell me the truth. I want to get past it all. I'm struggling STRUGGLING today. My mind is telling me I'm the only one who is dealing with something like this. Idk why I did my biggest fear. I was put on a new medication when this happened which caused me to spiral, my thoughts to be more often, and have insomnia. I have been diagnosed with POCD as well. I woke up in the middle of the night when my child was laying completely cross my chest. I was breathing and having groinal sensations. My mind told me that I assaulted her by this, and I was going to prison for it. My thoughts started going like this, "you're already bad might as well do something else", "no sense in stopping now" "you can finally do what you've always wanted", "what would you do if you could do anything to cause harm" So I had to think of what to do in the moment. The only thing I could think to do was move my elbow towards my child's groin. In the moment it felt like I really wanted to do this. I proceeded to do so, and my elbow touched her groin. I immediately told my child to move off me. I then went back to sleep. When I woke up, I began panicking, confessing to a family member what happened, and crying immensely. I feel like I failed as a mother. I'm in such distress since I started sleeping on the floor to avoid it from happening again, and I got off the medication. I'm so much better OCD wise since I got off the meds. I was the BEST mom months ago before this happened. The thoughts have always bothered me, and I was always scared I would give in and act on them. I'm living my worst nightmare. I feel alone. Felt so wanted in the moment and SO real. Ugh. Could someone just give me some support? (edited)

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Moms/dads with pocd..feel so defeated and alone

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