Initial attraction? 21+

@LGood Thank you so much for your kind comment. I was honestly attracted to my girlfriend’s personality before ever seeing a picture of her (we met online). I’m struggling a lot because I know that I shouldn’t confess, but I’m really triggered me because I just remembered the other day during a difficult conversation (in which I was probably confessing too much), she asked me if I had the thought that I could do better than her. I said no, because I genuinely can’t imagine myself being nearly as compatible with anyone else. But I feel like I lied, because I’m pretty sure I’ve thought “I could do better” in terms of attraction. I’m afraid that I didn’t even think it in terms of “what if”, but more as a statement. I feel horrible about this. I basically directly lied to her by saying no. I don’t think it felt like a lie at the time, but now it’s flooding me that I did have those thoughts even though I told her I didn’t. I think that’s where the urge to confess is coming in :/ I’m so sorry for rambling btw, I’m just desperately trying to get out of crisis mode and figure out what the “right thing” to do is.

@aneyh Oh my goodness! That sounds a lot like the problems me and my fiancé face. I ask entirely too much and he is very honest (which is good and a relationship green flag) but he struggles with hurting my feelings and if he isn’t super specific worries he is lying. We have to remember that thoughts are merely thoughts. You may have had the thought of “I could do better” but there was no action to find that “better” or real desire. There is attractive people all around us, but when you’re in a relationship you have to focus on all the good that is there, beauty physically and emotionally. Because if not we find ourselves in a cycle of comparison and ultimately never satisfied with anyone we are with

@LGood I’m so sorry to hear about the difficulties that you and your fiancé are going through! The part that I’m struggling with is that these thoughts unfortunately were attached to actions :( I apologize for trauma dumping, and absolutely do not feel like you have to read or reply to this. For a period around 5 years ago, I was emotionally unfaithful to my girlfriend. I was struck with remorse, confessed to her, got into therapy, and did everything I could to fix myself. She has forgiven me and reassures me that she is genuinely happy in our relationship and that this isn’t something that she thinks about anymore. She wants me to move on, yet I can’t stop thinking of details to confess even years later. She says that most of my confessions (especially regarding thoughts) haven’t been necessary in that they haven’t changed her mind about our relationship, that it was ok that I told her, but it also wouldn’t have been wrong if I didn’t confess some of these things. This leaves me unable to know what’s necessary to confess, what I should keep to myself, what’s OCD and what’s not, etc. I know I have OCD because it manifests in other ways (POCD, False Memory OCD, etc.), but my main obsession is an actual horrible action I committed so I never know when I’m obsessing/compulsing, just that I’m remembering another detail of my biggest regret in life and it puts me into fight or flight. It’s hard when confession is my main compulsion, but is also sometimes necessary with my situation. I totally understand if this changed your opinion of me. It changed my opinion of me :/ I just feel bad for representing it as though it was just a thought that I didn’t act upon. Ultimately, I know that I’ve confessed so many terrible things like this and it somehow hasn’t changed her opinion of me. This just feels different because she asked me this question in the context of that event and I only just realized that my answer may not have been the most accurate. I am vehemently against hiding anything regarding this period in time, but I also don’t want to hurt her feelings with another confession, especially one that could make her feel bad about herself. I know that if I confess, another confession is just around the corner. It just feels wrong not to given the context of the situation… (I’m so sorry for rambling, I’ve been obsessing for over 3 hours and I feel like I’m losing it)

@aneyh You don’t need to apologize for anything and no opinion of you has changed. You, just like everyone here, are human! You are forgiven by her, so it is important to give grace to yourself and forgive yourself. If you intentionally lied about something then it is very understandable to go and confess. But if you think (emphasis on think) that you might (again, emphasis on might) have accidentally not been accurate, it was years ago and it was not intentional so you are not in the wrong. You can’t expect to have everything to a t. If you all already discussed it and you’ve done your part to help you grow, then it’s okay to accept it and not re-address it unless it was a major thing you left out intentionally that could affect the direction of the relationship. But the past is the past and she feels secure now. Allow it to be! :)

@LGood Hey, thank you so much. Unfortunately I’m still dealing with the same intense confession urges and anxiety as yesterday :/ I feel like I am almost avoiding my girlfriend because the anxiety is so bad. I know that I do my best to be fully truthful during these conversations about my past thoughts/actions, but I fear that I answered “no” to the “did you think that you could do better” question because I didn’t want to hurt my girlfriend’s self esteem. I’m very scared that I did know that that wasn’t fully truthful. I feel like if I confessed I would have to tell her that I had the thought that maybe I could do better in terms of physical attraction, and that this thought was probably one of the factors that led me to commit those horrible acts. Therefor, it feels even more like I should confess because she deserves to know all the thoughts that led me to behave the way I did. I also know that if I confess, I am 99% sure she would treat it the same as my other confessions, but I’m scared the part about attraction would wound her view of herself (once again, I now recognize that I couldn’t be more lucky. I don’t want anyone else). I just don’t know what to do, because I want to correct myself on the “lie”, but I don’t want to damage her self esteem (especially considering that those thoughts couldn’t be further from how I feel now- I am so hopelessly in love with every part of her). But since she asked that question directly and my answer could have intentionally been dishonest, I feel like I have to rectify my mistake. This conversation happened maybe 3-4 weeks ago, and the guilt didn’t hit me until yesterday. I know that I have confessed all kinds of horrible things to her, and she has told me that no thought that I confess would change her mind about our relationship. It’s the fact that I potentially purposely lied to try and “protect” her feelings that’s getting to me. I’m still not sure if this was the case or if I didn’t feel like I was lying at the time :( Either way, I feel more stuck than I have in a while, and the more I think about it, the more fear and shame I feel. I just genuinely want to do the right thing, but I can’t figure out what that is. So I’m frozen in fear :(

@aneyh I think your desire to be truthful is good and says a lot about you and the care you have for her and the relationship. In that moment you answered what you felt to be honest. It wasn’t until you allowed yourself to analyze your response that made you question if you were being honest or lied. I think it can be assumed that part of your actions was because there was a thought you could do better or desired something different. However, if you decide to “confess” keep it very simple. You can say that you thought about the question she asked and it made you wonder if you lied when you answered because it could have been that very reason that lead you to your actions which caused harm to the relationship. I advise you to not give into your compulsions and yourself of the present feelings about her and your relationship. You stated that feel lucky and don’t want anyone else, and I think that’s an important thing to remember. It is always great to be honest and truthful but that doesn’t mean we have to share every little detail either. Some information is not constructive or beneficial. Again, if it was something like disloyalty and blatantly lying, struggling with lust, or feeling urges to do things that is harmful to the relationship, then it needs to be expressed. This is something I am learning too!

@LGood *and allow yourself to think of the present feelings about her and your relationship

@LGood Thank you so much for the advice :) I feel like one of my biggest issues is that it’s so hard for me to see these confessions as compulsions due to their nature, but they cause the same temporary relief/reconfess cycle as OCD confessions. So even if the urge to confess is sometimes fueled by OCD, the real event aspect and desire to be accountable for my past actions makes it incredibly tricky to treat my OCD. Everything I’ve confessed thus far has felt like it could be potentially relationship ending information, but my girlfriend usually meets me with the same display of forgiveness and desire to move forward from the past. It’s also really hard not to confess because if I’m acting off, she’ll encourage me to talk about what’s on my mind because she knows I’ll obsess for days if I don’t talk about it. We have tried eliminating confessing before, but she doesn’t think it works because of the amount of anxiety and depression I feel when I can’t confess. I think tonight I will take your advice and do my best not to give in to the urge to confess (I hope I’m understanding your advice right- please correct me if I’m wrong!) and I will try to be present and help her have a great evening. (She’s also in a very good mood today, and I don’t want to ruin that just because I don’t feel good.) And if I do confess, I will try and keep it simple/avoid going into excruciating detail, even though I know it will feel like I’m “leaving something out” or lying by omission. I hope that by trying to delay/avoid confessing, I’m not doing the wrong thing while trying to convince myself that it’s right because of my OCD 😵‍💫 I just want to say thank you again so much for all of your help. You have no idea how much it means to me to be able to speak to you about the worst things I’ve ever done and be met with so much compassion. You are a very kind soul :)

@aneyh Yes! Forgive yourself and give yourself the grace you deserve. Focus on what is real and true, which is all those absolute feelings of love and care for her! I definitely know how it can be difficult to not express when they ask you to share what is going on. Take those moments to be honest and say “I’m not doing great right now but I know I can work through it!” It helps them to not feel like you’re shutting them out and helps you acknowledge your feelings without giving into the compulsion :) you’re going to do great! I believe in you! Thank you for your very kind words 😌 you’re great, we all make mistakes, but we all deserve grace. Have a GREAT evening with her!

@aneyh are you still active on here? i really need help and your situation is very similar to mine

@LGood What about to a person who doesn’t find their partner super practically attractive but it isn’t 0, or sometimes it’s there and in a second it’s not like idk if that’s normal! I value this in a marriage but also I’m not compatible with much anyone else I’d like to marry him and have his kids and I love him a lot