ROCD- seeking support

Hi there, seeking some support for what is probably an obsession, but feels very real. I woke up feeling really guilty about oversharing about my current relationship with someone who I had previously dated and was still a very good friend (such that I don’t even see them as someone I dated). They were friends with my now fiancé too. I recall sending this friend casual messages about my day-to-day to almost cover up ones about struggles in the relationship in early stages that are fragile and new, and that feels really deceptive to me. I feel like this went on for maybe the first 7-8 months. I told my fiancé today I felt I over shared with this person (we’ve been together now over 3 years and are so so so happy), but not about the part where I was deceptive. At the time, I wasn’t thinking, “I will send informal uninteresting messages to make the other ones look further back or not right in my phone when it’s open.” But somewhere in my consciousness I knew I was doing this. This was in 2022, maybe the spring? Or summer. We began dating in September of 2022. I can’t remember the exact time I stopped oversharing with this friend, but I feel absolutely awful about it. I feel so guilty and ashamed. I googled if I should share oversharing with an “ex” with my partner in the past, and google said yes lmao. I hate this. Should I share with her? I feel so bad. I have extremely good boundaries and honor her every day of my life. After that, I didn’t share with the friend anymore and we actually aren’t friends anymore because their behavior was a little off. Ugh!!! Is this even ROCD? I want her to know what I’ve done and feel like if I don’t get this out, she doesn’t really know me and I’m faking being a good person.

MichelleV

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 36w

This sounds like it may be a compulsion, to confess something you maybe were in the wrong for. You mentioned you aren’t friends with the person you spoke to anymore—what triggered this shame of what you messaged them? Something to keep in mind here, is to ask yourself what talking to your fiancée will achieve. If you talk to your partner, and they reassure you—will that completely erase your doubts that you’re a bad person? And you can ask yourself—why are you convinced you’re a bad person and why does shaming yourself help the situation? The trouble with OCD is that it can sound false alarms that sound so real. But you acknowledged this is probably an obsession for you. Lean in to that. And if possible, delay the urge to talk to your fiancé. Try to use non-engagement responses in the mean time.

Cersei

Date posted: 36w

@MichelleV Thank you so much for your thoughtful response— I really appreciate the support and the time you took to help. I’m not sure what triggered the shame, I honestly think I just “got over” one obsession and moved onto the next. *we began dating September of 2021. Anyway, I feel like I want to share because it will help me feel pure and clean basically, which sounds pretty OCD, but I also don’t want to use this illness to cover up things I actually need to be accountable for, and I rarely can tell the difference. I always feel like I’m doing the right thing. The oversharing isn’t really what I feel guilty about as much as the part where I feel like I tried to cover it up. Sharing about things we were working through, arguments. This was a friend I didn’t feel the need to monitor myself around, and in some ways those boundaries were poor (never ever ever sexual or romantic or anything of the sort, wouldn’t even cross my mind and I just would never EVER). I think I allowed myself to be dysregulated in that friendship in a way that I’m not proud of and realized later, and changed my behavior immediately. So I need to find a way to tell myself okay, that was dishonest behavior. Upon reflection, part of it feels like I was also being dishonest to myself, trying to make dialogue seem casual when I was sharing about my relationship. Either way, I have to let it go. I’ve tried to bring up the oversharing to my fiancé several times the last few days and she said she doesn’t care, she doesn’t want to hear it, it’s OCD, everything is okay. She’s just amazing. But in my head I’m going, “well, she doesn’t know about the part where I didn’t want her to know I was sharing these things, and if she knew, she would be upset and she deserves to know the “truth” (whatever truth even is).” I will say, at the time, I don’t recall consciously saying to myself, “I don’t want her to know this.” These would have been fast thoughts and stressed ones. I know myself, and I wouldn’t ever be deceptive if I thought it out. I recognize even this response is giving into the obsession. I think someone without OCD would probably think oh, I forgot I did that, my life has grown so much and I love where I am and that would never happen again, moving on. If I talk to my fiancé, she will either reassure me or not love that this happened, and I will feel free from this “lie”. I can’t tell if it’s for me or for her. I would want the same honesty in return, and I know people have different boundaries with things. I should try an exposure which sounds terrifying, to allow myself to say maybe I was deceptive and maybe I wasn’t and let it go, because I feel like I’m using ROCD as an excuse. I really appreciate your response and will continue reflecting and trying nom-engagement responses

truespartan3

Date posted: 25w

Struggling with potential ROCD

Good morning. Anyone struggle with ROCD? When I think about what I have done in the past, I feel immense guilty (I feel the tightness in my chest) and have the urge to tell my partner about it, even if my partner says she doesn’t need to know if it is going to hurt her and that I need to talk to my therapist about it first. Any suggestions on how to manage the urge/urgency? Thanks!

Dalia H.

Date posted: 15w

Tired of constantly questioning intentions.

Despite the fact that I have never once acted flirtatiously with someone else over the course of my 3-year relationship, never talked to anyone inappropriately, never touched or interacted with anyone inappropriately, I have been battling constant ROCD obsessions centered around cheating ever since my partner and I got together. I am constantly worried about whether certain things are cheating: daydreaming about another person (already told my partner about this and he said it was okay and that he does it too), talking in a group chat with someone, sitting next to someone, speaking to them in person. I question my intentions. I worry that I cheated by wearing my hair a certain way in an attempt to look more attractive or by jokingly poking someone with a fake sword (despite doing it to other people too), looking through someone’s social media, etc. I have confessed so many ridiculous things to my partner and he’s always told me that none of them are cheating. I feel so guilty for being attracted to someone else, despite the fact that my partner said it was fine and normal. I have made a very very conscious effort to limit my interactions with this person. I never ever ever ever message them privately, I make an obsessive effort to NOT reply to their messages in a group server (constantly keeping track of the ratio of my replies to their messages compared to other people’s), to ignore them when I see them in person and hardly ever speak to them or initiate conversation with them. Yet I still feel like a disgusting dirty cheater who is hiding a big secret.

h4aling07

Date posted: 14w

i need help :( guilt and confessing compulsion

okay so, i had this friend i met in the 8th grade when i was 13 when we became friends and my nickname for her was “red” and i had a crush on this friend before we became friends and once we became friends the crush faded away and i just grew a close platonic friendship with her and no longer has any crush or attraction or romantic interest in her. then i got a girlfriend named lisa in the 8th grade also and we were all friends and hung out but that summer going into highschool lisa broke up with me, we dated only for 2 months so you know it wasnt a big deal. and my friend “red” she and my other friend lana we are a trio and they helped me move on from that. then i started 9th grade (my freshman year of highschool) and i went into this year thinking i was gonna stay best friends with this trio but we ended up splitting paths but me and my friend “red” always had a more special bond in the trio we were like the duo because we trauma bonded and dealt with mental health problems. and in the end of my first semester i fell in love with this girl named riley (who became my 3 year serious relationship) and i love this girl so much i met her when i was 15 and she was 14, me and riley (who is my current partner) were very toxic during freshman sophomore and junior year. she was very insecure over my ex from the 8th grade who i didnt care about because she was my first girlfriend. and she was also very insecure over my friend “red” because she was my best friend during the time i was with my ex and she reminds her of my ex for some reason. i still wanted to be friends with “red” at the time and we would get into numerous fights about that. she would control me and who i was friends with and said i couldnt be friends with her and i felt so awful and defeated bc i had a close bond with this friend. she then gave me an ultimatum of either her or my former best friend and i chose my partner obviously but she was so in her head i think that she still broke up with me for like 3 days and that day she broke up with me i had to go home with her since she was my ride home and i was broken and she was obviously angry and i was crying while we were walking out of school and then she stormed off without me all upset and my other guy friend and his girlfriend saw me and went up to me to comfort me and asked what was wrong and i told them she broke up with me and then my partner yells my name very upset from across the street comes back and grabs my arm aggressively and drags me past everyone very aggressively and angry while telling me to stop crying because her mom is going to be upset and ask questions and i felt so bad. we got into the car and i had to try my best not to cry and my partner who was visibly upset a few seconds ago just completely smiled at her mom and asked how her day was with such a happy tone of voice and i was completely in shock. hours later since we were broken up i texted my former friend “red” (the one who my partner broke up with me over) and told her i needed emotional support that reyna had dumped me and i needed a friend. and she came over and talked to me. that was all nothing romantic. and then 2 days later my partner says we are back together and i was happy but felt guilty because i hung out with my friend who she dumped me over. Now years later im still with this partner after many splits but we are finally healthy and healing and shes been super supportive and there for me and loving during my recent journey discovering my ocd. i have been confessing over and over many past mistakes or things i thought were mistakes. i last confessed something on monday and ive been feeling better and relieved after confessing up until yesterday when i remembered a past mistake (which was what i just shared) and now i cant stop ruminating on it and feeling guilty and feel the need to confess this to my partner but i learned that confessing is my ocd compulsion and if i give into it ill be feeding my ocd and not breaking the cycle. but im also feeling conflicted on if i should genuinely let her know and confess because i feel what i did that time was wrong but i dont want to give into my ocd but also what if i basically cheated on my partner by doing that and if i tell her that i did what i did even tho i didnt cheat but i told her i never liked this person even tho i had a crush on the former friend and tried to get my partner to let me keep this friendship because its not like i like her romantically which is true i dont but i used to. so i feel like i betrayed her even especially by hanging out with her so now i dont know if i should tell her or if its my ocd and i dont have to share absolutely everything especially if its in the past. i dont want to lose my partner and im scared if i keep confessing it will ruin our relationship and drive her away but it will also make me lose myself and my own privacy and also feed my ocd and compulsions but im scared if i dont confess ill never stop thinking about it and i will feel like im lying to my partner and like i cheated and i wont be able to enjoy the good moments and the present because im stuck on my past “mistakes” and now im scared ill have the end my relationship to feel better but that will hurt me more but im scared if i stay im just going to try to avoid my partner in fear ill confess or feel the urge to confess every time we speak. i dont know what to do im completely lost this is the hardest thing ive ever dealt with and i have a lot ive dealt with in my life already. im barely 17 i havent had a year of a break

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