Tw I'm sad that it seems people don't need me, including my friends and whoever I could get into a relationship with. They could all just have someone else, and it wouldn't really affect them if I wasn't around. It feels devastating, and my perception of relationships has dramatically changed in the last few years
i feel the same way. one thing that helps me is God will never change or switch up on me or you! talk to Him like He’s your best friend. He’s all we really need
I've thought about this before. I don't think I'll get into a relationship or trusting/hoping in friends to stick around, partly because of this. But I also don't think it seems God really cares about me either -- it's no secret He doesn't need me either
The sad (or happy?) reality is that things don't come to screeching hault without us. Maybe try leaning into the positive side of it? The weight of the world isn't on your shoulders alone to be there for everyone all of the time in every circumstance, you're presence is a happy addition and not a dire requirement, etc.
Yeah, I've thought about that, and that is both happy and sad, I agree. I don't think I'll get into a relationship or trusting/hoping in friends to stick around, partly because of this
@Anonymous - I heard this quote that basically was an image of a person never leaning in for a hug because the person they were leaning in to hug may have a knife and stab them in the back. It's true that they were never stabbed but they also were never hugged. It reminds me of something Dr. McGrath says often in the Q&A livestreams: you could spend your whole life sitting by your tombstone wondering when you're going to be under it, or you could go live your life until then. People might not need you, people might change their minds about you, people you love might leave you, you might leave people who love you. I think too of that quote from Winnie the Pooh, the goal is not to never be hurt or to never say goodbye or to be said goodbye to but rather "how lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard?" I would encourage you to live your life and make it future you's problem to deal with these worst case scenarios if they happen and not before then.
@Anonymous That's one way to look at it. Unfortunately it doesn't make people need me. I just hope that I don't get lost in my wishes and lose sight of reality. Maybe I could have friends, but as far as a relationship, I think I'd be happier alone than with someone knowing that they don't need me.
@Anonymous - Why do you want someone to "need" you? Is wanting to be with you not enough? As someone who feels like they "need" their partner, it's, in all honesty, not a very nice feeling and I don't believe my need comes from a healthy place. I've also been told by my partner that feeling needed is more of a suffocating feeling than anything else. Do you not believe truly being "needed" would bring with it any negatives?
@Anonymous I agree that being needed would bring some negatives -- I don't want to let anyone down or leave someone all alone if I wasn't around -- so it is good that I'm not needed in a few ways. But it's also sad from the existential questioning of it: "People wouldn't care if I wasn't here, the people I know don't need me around and would be just fine/get over it if they lost me"
@Anonymous - Do you have evidence of that? That people wouldn't care if you weren't here or would be fine if they lost you?
@Anonymous Yeah. People move on -- it's a fact of life.
@Anonymous Also, I talked to my friends about it, and they agreed that they'd be okay if I left. Sad at first, but just fine
@Anonymous - Well I think, like you said, it's a fact of life. If they literally needed you and you left, they wouldn't be here for much longer. Have you experienced needing someone who left or isn't here anymore?
@Anonymous - And if you have, what was that like? Was it "not okay" for you to "move on"?
@Anonymous Well, not really. I didn't lose anyone I felt that I needed (which also makes me feel bad, wondering if that means I didn't care about the people I lost all that much). But like I said, nobody needs anyone, so of course I didn't lose anyone I need; but the fact that I don't need others also distresses me, and I feel bad for not being able to say that I need my friends and family...
@Anonymous - Hmm. I'm sorry that you're dealing this. Are you exploring this with an OCD therapist already?
@Anonymous Yeah. I've talked about it with them. And I've done ERP with it. I've been thinking about saying goodbye to my friends as a way to accept that people can be okay without me, and people seem to not recommend it but also don't seem to think it's all that bad either. So that's something that's been on my mind too
@Anonymous And like with the quote you shared, it sure is super hard to say goodbye! :(
Hey, look here, you have many that care and need you around. You have family that love you. Don't forget that you have YOU to care for and nurture.
I feel like my family doesn't need me specifically -- so if my parents had a different child and I wasn't born, they wouldn't mind. And there are unchangeable things I don't like about myself, so it's hard to say that I have myself either
@Anonymous Your feelings are wrong. OCD controls your body, thoughts and feelings. OCD is the biggest liar.
@hanysm@gmail.com Thanks. But idk, people also seem to not mind not talking to me; I don't really talk to my old friends anymore, only on the rare occasion, and they seem to have moved on
@Anonymous Easy to make new friends. Get a hobby or get into sports and you shall meet those who are alike. But first you have to love and appreciate yourself. Yourself needs you to be its friend before others.
@hanysm@gmail.com It's not actually all that easy to make friends. Sure, I make friends all the time, but the majority of them don't talk to me much or make any effort to interact with me outside of the moments where they have to/where it's super convenient for them to. And after finding someone who is interested in communicating with me, then it takes years to build a friendship. And after all that, they could find someone more interesting, or just simply get bored, or otherwise move on. The friends I used to have were into the same things as me, and we were alike I would say, and we had years of getting to know each other, but one day they moved on and weren't interested in talking so much anymore. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm trying to be difficult and argue, but I just want to keep you in the loop about my experiences.
@Anonymous Don't feel sorry. I think I understand what you're saying, and I relate. Yet, I still believe the start has to be from within you. You need to be your own best friend. Once you love and appreciate yourself, this love will radiate outward, attracting more friends to you. Hey, you got yourself a new friend here, so you are wrong saying it is difficult. Please reach out anytime, and I will reply when online. Greetings my new friend ✋.
@hanysm@gmail.com It's kind of upsetting to me that ppl don't want to be with me if I'm not pleasant/happy enough to be around. 😕 Thanks, that's very kind of you. Idk if you read my messages to others on this post, but I've been wondering if I should actually leave friends that I recently made. It goes against my nature, but I'm wondering about proving that people are okay without me and also coming to terms with it by doing as such. So I'm upset about possibly leaving my friends. But I just wanted to give you that heads up. And for as long as I'm around, you can talk to me too. But, like I said, I might not always be around, even if I don't like the thought of leaving people... It's nothing personal to anyone, of course. I understand that it might be annoying of me though
@Anonymous I see you struggling with "control" and "uncertainty". Being friends doesn't mean you or r I control the other, rather support each other. This post might help you understand https://app.treatmyocd.com/community/posts/2052777
@hanysm@gmail.com Your right, I do think I have an issue with how I don't have control. Friends always leave, and I can't control them or the fact that they leave or that life can take people away from me, so all I can do is finally choose to leave someone out of my own choice to demonstrate to myself that people can be out of my life and they will be okay elsewhere. It goes against my nature to leave someone, but I can't choose that I felt alone for several years, and I can't choose if I will feel alone again or not, so all I can do is choose to leave someone and try to come to terms with the fact that my relationships aren't necessary, no matter how necessary they feel.
TW: multiple good options for relationships I'm having stress about the concept and intricacies of relationships. Really, relationships of any kind. But, for example, partner relationships (I'm single btw); how do you know who's right? Aren't there multiple people who could be equally a good option? I can also miss my chance, yeah? I just don't like the intricacies and existential questioning about all my relationships, even my relationships with my friends and family... it's really stressing me out
tw . . . . . . I don't want to trigger anyone, so please be warned before reading. I'm feeling pretty hopeless. I don't know if I deserve... anything. I've had two therapists now tell me I'm normal and I don't need to worry so much, but I find it hard to believe them. Just when I think I'm doing okay, thoughts flood back in. I feel like the world is better off without me in it and that others would agree if they weren't a paid therapist there to give me reassurance. I'm tempted to break up with my boyfriend because he doesn't deserve this. I want to pretend I'm okay for the sake of my parents. But if they passed away, I'm not sure I'd have much strength to live for myself. This feeling is pretty bad right now. Overwhelming. I have absolutely no love for myself. I can't even distract myself by watching TV or shows I love, because all I can think is, "Look at those people. They deserve to live and be happy, and I'm not one of them." Gah, this is bad. I'm an adult, and I feel like such a baby for feeling this way. How dramatic am I? How can other people have similar (if not worse) thoughts than me, and then still be ok with themselves? I miss the person I used to be. I miss feeling okay. I feel ok momentarily, but then it all comes crashing down. I can't stand it. All I want is for things to go back to how they used to be.
This is just a vent. Feels nice to just be honest about who I am and my deficiencies. Mental health advocates are always like "you deserve to live no matter what" and I'm like "bet lol" I am not a good person whose presence has any positive impact on the world. I'm not evil, just useless without having the excuse of depression or whatever (it's anxiety based but again who gives a shit). If I were to go away, I wouldn't be missed because I contribute nothing of note. If we did not live in the US where you can get by without being socially accepted as long as you have loving parents, I would either be dead or would have stepped up and might actually be a valuable member of society (like between being dead and pushing through my anxiety I would probably choose the latter lol). Interpersonally, I have no redeeming qualities. No I'm not one of those people who says that shit and then lists all the ways they're actually decent but just have low self-esteem, I'm genuinely useless. I'm unreliable when it comes to group projects and my job, usually doing the bare minimum or less than that. When it comes to my work in general, I tend to drop the ball, often waiting till the last minute to get started on it, turning it in late, or simply not turning it in at all. I make promises about the things I will do and then don't do them. I also lack initiative and just follow orders. Socially, I don't have any friends and don't make an effort to try to gain any - I tend to act distant in social interactions and don't join in when people are having group conversations. I'm a talented artist, but the only work I've ever shown others in the last few years has been shoddy, amateurish, and completely unreflective of my abilities, and I've never been complimented for it lol. How do I feel about all this? Pretty freaking bad, yet I make no effort to change. I'm afraid of most things so I avoid them, screwing up my own life and negatively affecting other people's as well. Despite all this, I have this desire to be accepted by someone else as I am. The fact that I accept myself shows that it's possible, I guess (you could argue that I don't have a choice but I definitely chose to be okay with myself after years of self-loathing). I have a shit-ton of flaws and nothing to really offset them - I mean I'm self-aware but I think self-awareness is completely useless if you don't do anything about what you've observed in yourself, and less self-aware people are able to take more risks - and I just have this fantasy of someone showing up and looking at all that I am and being like "you have contributed literally nothing to society and you have no redeeming qualities but I accept you as you are and love you, for no reason other than I just do." But based on the comics I've read this can only happen if you're childhood friends who've known each other for a long time lol. No reason someone's gonna want to be friends with some random person who leaves a poor first impression and doesn't do anything to further the relationship. The plus side of this is that I have a /lot/ of room for growth, lots of things to change that could make me a better person. The negative side is that it is still just as hard to not be avoidant af as it was yesterday
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