Anxiety is worse in the mornings..

Waking up to immediately ruminating sucks. Still struggling with trans ocd and I feel like there's a lot of proof I'm just a trans man in denial. It could just be me feeling nonbinary stuff. but I don't know what's ocd and what's real. I'm hoping my new meds work when I get them but I'm feeling so hopeless. So many what if thoughts. I'm trying to lean into uncertainty but it doesn't make the thoughts stop. I keep seeking reassurance from nonbinary communities and trying to find labels I feel comfortable with but my ocd tells me I'm just in denial regardless. I dont know if i like a label or if i just feel relief. But it's hard to stop. I tend to feel a little better in the evenings. Sleep is my only escape.

FloralEnvoy

Date posted: 32w

Trans people don't feel uncertain forever, eventually something sticks. That's typically when the shift in gender actually happens, when the internal is recognized enough to be expressed externally. OCD is not capable of expressing that satisfaction that we seek when we have doubts over things as integral to us(yet fluid) as gender, or even sexuality. It will only seek to point out where we aren't, and to convince us of a finish line out there that we will eventually need to make a decision to cross, to free ourselves of this stress. It's a figment of our anxiety. Uncertainty leading to the obsession on a perceived fork in the road that you don't want to even approach. For instance, you are clinging to your gender identity as something that feels under threat, which validates your brain's threat system. So anytime you have a thought (trying to disprove thoughts doesn't make them stop), and you respond to it by going "nuh-uh" or shutting it down, you're validating the threat response. Your brain goes "well if you weren't trans you'd feel more secure when you say so", weaponizing the anxiety against yourself. Then when you're in a place without much mental stimulation going on, the thoughts resurface. Like in the morning, or when you're alone, or bored, or triggered by being around someone that reminds you about the subject. Etc. I recommend talking to a psychiatrist about potential anxiety medication. That, and therapy. I go through the same things, my mornings are typically spent ruminating and comparing how I feel about everything to how my OCD says I SHOULD feel. Eventually I recognize it as OCD, and am able to pull myself out of it. Today though? It's midday and I'm still on this app. You can't seek reassurance constantly, you have to take it day by day and drop expectations that you'll be done with this journey soon. Mental health issues are chronic, treat yourself with more compassion and then when you're anxious you will start to feel less panic set in upon noticing the anxiety.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 32w

Yeah, you're right. I have therapy once a week, I've already seen my therapist this week so I have to wait until next week to see her. I'm also on my 5th medication to find something that works. Most didn't help much or the side effects were too bad. I'm trying a new one this weekend and I'll also be put on an as-needed for my anxiety but waiting until I have those feels like years. I wish I was more tolerant of my anxiety 😭 I'm not very strong.

FloralEnvoy

Date posted: 32w

@Northern_Downpour That's why ERP is designed to help us lessen our anxiety responses, we just have too much that can make us scared. It's a threshold situation, whereas everyone is worried about SOMETHING, we have become obsessive about ours.

Luke_McElwee

Date posted: 25w

Losing my shit, freaking out

Idk if this post is even worth it but it seemed like a normal day for me, called off work due to the weather so I get to just stay home and play games all day. Easy day besides dealing with the constant and unbearable battle with my intrusive thoughts/feelings. Took a shower and I just had constant thoughts, (heart palpitations are pretty constant) ended up breaking down and bawling my eyes out. I was diagnosed with HOCD and ROCD about 2 months ago and since it's just gotten worse. It feels as real as it can get and after talking to my girlfriend about the anxiety attack, it feels even more real. I have no desire or enjoyment from what comes from my brain, and at this point I'm on my knees begging the big man upstairs for my old life back, how do I go from being obsessed with women (sexually and emotionally) to pretty much doing a 180 overnight (with the obvious anxiety and worry behind it. No real desire obviously). I'm just at a loss, I've done a little ERP and it seemed to help with the brain fog but besides that, everything that it does to someone, I have. And again there's the doubt I even have OCD and I'm in straight denial. It just sucks.

shinsset

Date posted: 21w

tocd + proof + advice on how to tell people?

I cant do anything anymore without my brain dregdging up proof from my past that I was actually trans and didn't know it, and it all seems so plausible. like I said in my last post its unearthing memories that I didn't even know I have. ik this is just ocd tricking me but I feel like I need to review every moment thoroughly bc I have questioned my gender in the past but always concluded that'd I'd happier as a girl (which is true). everything feels so real and it feels like I am just super in denial. also, how do I tell people about this? I made the mistake of confessing to a teacher on a note and only a couple friends of mine understand the thoughts I get, but I don't tell them everything. however its very hard for me to do basic responsibilities like school work and I always end up overwhelmed, so I'm thinking I may need accomdations. I need to get in touch with my counselor but i'm unsure how to explain all of this to her, being that I don't have a diagnosis....also I feel like I can't talk about this with the majority of my friends because gender ocd is rare to have (increasing my doubts) and, at least school-wise, i'm in very accepting environment for lgbtq and I'm afraid they're just gonna tell me to accept myself. I'm scared of doing erp for this because what if I like it (also cant afford therapy). ive also felt very apprehensive around some of my trans friends and classmates because my brain is going crazy asking "what if you're like them?" and I feel so bad and transphobic for these thoughts. i'm genuinely so tired. one of my closest friends died last year, but my father pointed out that my recent mood has been even worse than it was during that time. i tend to bottle up my emotions a lot, so everyone's just telling me to "let it go" and tell people, but if I do that I feel like i'll end up confessing. i'm so tired and lost.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 17w

Doubts 21+

My biggest issue with things in my life are not feeling confident in things I want to do and feeling doubtful combined with anxiety. It makes me not want to do a whole lot of things outside of my comfort zone because I either feel I'm not ready for them or I don't deserve them. In the back of my mind, my brain tells me that I've done something in relation to POCD because of porn when I was a teenager and a time I tried to help a minor with OCD. Or that I've committed sexual harassment because of a time I tried to zip up a bag but didn't tuck my arm and it touched someone's behind when really I just didn't want to keep listening to my OCD about how much of a bad person I would be or bad things would happen if I didn't tuck my arm. I thought I would just very slightly brush up contact and it wouldn't matter that much but it just ended up happening in the worst way. I remember how extremely depressed this made me and I just feel like I don't deserve to go on because of these kind of thoughts, memories, and worries. These worries are what keeps me down from really living my life. Another part of this is I feel I need to just have my needs met before I can really carry on in life I also know that I can't keep waiting for things to feel right when I need to do them. Is this a sign of Just Right OCD? Needing my feelings to feel just right in order for me to do someone I really want to? I act on my feelings more than I do my rational and it definitely shows in my anxiety. This stuff holds my back on my dream goals, trying to get experience with relationships, going to school, and just overall being happier and caring a lot less about anxiety. I don't know how to get rid of them. I just try to let them pass. Sometimes that works, sometimes that doesn't. Being up at night is a trigger for this for sure.

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Anxiety is worse in the mornings..

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