is this ocd or am i going insane?

i... dunno if i should share this but i have moments where my intrusive thoughts feel so strong and if im upset at someone, the thoughts of harming feel so strong like its my thoughts, then.i dont know if its a compulsion or im slowing snapping but i may grab object that can be made dangerous,ie pillow, knife, etc and slowly walk to my parents room and even if i want to stop it feels like my body is moving on its own, like i have to do it, its not till im almost there or halfway in i find a way to stop myself from moving that cut it out but then hate myself so fucking much for....trying to kill? i dont know anymore, i used to think it was ocd but it keeps getting worse and my anger amplifies it and i just hate myself rn and i get these thoughts of hurting myself so im not a danger to anyone else. no i dont have a plan, i dont know if this is ocd or im suicidal from my self hate. maybe im asking for reassurance but please just give me some kind of answer, im losing my fucking mind and i wish i know whats going on with me..

Brett V

Date posted: 31w

Sounds like OCD to me. You moving towards your parents bedroom with knife in hand is referred to as “testing”. You don’t want to actually go through with these atrocities clearly given how much anxiety they induce. Have you been open with your parents about your themes yet?

Aquario

Date posted: 31w

sometimes, but they dont understand it well and sometimes get scared of me with makes things worse

Brett V

Date posted: 31w

@Aquario Most of the population does not understand any sort of mental illness/disorder. I would stress to them that you would like to begin assessment from a psychiatrist if possible. A diagnosis will not make the thoughts stop, but it is the necessary move to make.

Brett V

Date posted: 31w

@Brett V I struggle with harm, and suicide themes every single day. Communication is vital, and making that jump to get help is well worth stepping outside of your comfort zone. It has to get uncomfortable before it can get better. You are not alone in this.

Aquario

Date posted: 31w

@Brett V - the problem isnt getting help, its finding help florida is the least funded for mental health so im looking for needles in a haystack heh

RobbW2bees

Date posted: 31w

I’m not sure what to tell you my friend. All I can say is it will pass. There are people basically to chat with. I know how real this can feel. OCD has that ability and it causes you to doubt yourself, whether it’s OCD or something else. It twists our actual thoughts and our values. It’s like being in mists of darkness or fog or a heavy snow storm. Terry finding some practice music. Music that brings peace. Not sure of you’ve been able to get assessed with NOCD yet. I’m sure they’ll work with you if you try. There’s also other resources to talk to people like 988 but I’m not sure if there’s anyone with ocd experience or not. Anything. I’ll tell you right now, you are wrestling with this and have the thought to take yourself out to not harm others. That right there is your value. You are good and you won’t hurt anyone. As I’m hearing and been doing more is maybe, maybe not.

KaylaNV

Date posted: 31w

definitely not cus if ur here telling us ur scared that ur goijg crazy ira definitely ocd . But my intrusive thoughts are me making me question my self if i wanna kill my mom? or if i should ans its actually driving my crazy because wheb i question my self i dont feel fear. and it scares me so i dont know if im actually going crazy but i meed help

Duke2020!

Date posted: 10w

Been a while since you’ve sent this but you’re the only one I’ve found that has to do something like the act to relieve the anxiety. It’s really bad I understand

Aphid123

Date posted: 22w

Is this even OCD?

Hey so a couple months ago (7-8) I remember being upset at my family member. Like she was talking too much while I was annoyed and remember wanting her to be quiet. I got an intrusive thought like a really bad image of doing something really bad to her, and my hand twitched to the side a little? Like it felt like I was about to?! And I remembered thinking "if I do this, I'll get in trouble". I got up and left to the bathroom and felt horrified! I was thinking "did I want to act out? Did the only reason I didn't act out was because of getting in trouble? If there was no consequences, would have I done it?! Does this mean this whole time I've been using OCD as an excuse?" I remember I couldn't sleep for 3 nights because of how bad the anxiety was, I was crying and I felt very guilty like I should turn myself in to a mental hospital. I couldn't eat for many days or be near her because of that thought and twitch I had! I'm worried it was an impulse or I actually wanted to hurt her. And even to this day I still ruminanate about this. Like last night I couldn't sleep well I kept waking up every two hours and asking myself "am I capable?" I couldn't eat last night. Sometimes I move on from it like I forget that happened but when I remember, I feel distressed about it! I don't want to be an evil person or do bad actions towards anyone! I'm even scared to be angry because of this because I'm scared I have more "chance" of acting out due to anger. Like was it an impulse and I held back? Is this even OCD? Please help, I'm really scared!

alyssa_h

Date posted: 19w

i can’t do this much longer

i’m having a full on panic attack, i never used to be like this, what tf is happening to me, why am i like this, i’m so convinced i’m a horrible person and i deserve to be shut out forever because of my thoughts, i’m tired of struggling with harm ocd, i’m scared that because i have mental health issues i’m gonna end up ki!!ing someone someday or end up on the news, when i was at work earlier i kept thinking “how easy would it be to ki!! someone and get away with it” someone help, i don’t feel normal, am i crazy?… 😭😭i know that with ocd you’re not supposed to have reassurance and you have to be “okay” with the situation but.. how am i supposed to be okay with feeling like i could hurt someone…

bradyx20

Date posted: 14w

don’t know what’s happening to me

i haven’t been diagnosed with ocd but I have anxiety about harming other people/family members and it’s like urges and im scared I actually want to do it? I don’t think I’ve ever been violent as a kid (im 21 now) and the intrusive thoughts don’t go away so im just stuck all day everyday for the past few weeks just thinking and being scared about it and im having all these weird emotions like being irritated and angry I don’t want to hurt people I don’t think idk why my mind is making me think I do I’ve had intrusive thoughts before that I could brush away sure it took like a day or two but this one is different it doesn’t go away and leaves me with the worst fear imaginable and nothing I look up that should be giving me relief is giving me relief + I feel like im not in control of my body and that im just gonna lose it and act on these thoughts it’s just all on a loop and im not sure how im supposed to live the rest of my life when im in constant fear of my self

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is this ocd or am i going insane?

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