ROCD

@Anonymous Oh my gosh same I just always end up crying to him and it probably sounds so bad for him bc I cry about "wanting" to break up. I feel so stuck.

@Rage against the machine That makes me sad that someone else experiences this:( I wake up every morning just with a gut feeling but I think it’s developed because of how long I have had ROCD for so now my whole body is just full of doubt

@Anonymous I don't even know what it's like to enjoy my relationship anymore because my vision of him is so tainted

@Rage against the machine How long have you been with him?

@Anonymous 4 years. All was fine until like half a year ago. I had ROCD before but deep down I knew I loved him and it was periods where it would go away and i was confident again. Now idk

@Rage against the machine Yeah I’m the same and now I’m going through a really rough spell. What I’m doing atm is trying to work on myself more because ROCD has consumed my whole life that it’s all I have time to think about- start doing things for yourself and when you do think of your boyfriend remember all the good things about him. I also imagine that if I did break up with my boyfriend I would miss him so much I also couldn’t imagine him being with someone else that would be so weird. I’ve been with my bf almost six years

@mirandakai I am completely open and honest with him. He's an amazing man he even told me that I don't owe him anything and I don't have to stay but he wants to stay to help me with anxiety. I tell him pretty much everything

@Rage against the machine Awww he seems like a sweetheart

@Anonymous He is the biggest sweetheart, he is genuinely the nicest most caring man I've met

@Rage against the machine I feel like when someone is so caring and lovely to us we doubt it even more idk why- maybe it’s a self sabotage thing

@Anonymous Yes cuz I feel immense guilt

@Anonymous I'm scared of not having him. I have been with him for 4 years but the problem is that we got together when we were 15 - both 19 now, entering our 20s, and i have a lot of feelings that really scare me bc I've always been hella devoted to him. Just one example - I have a stable job that I love and a career I am rising in and I feel amazing about this, I'm independent as hell but in college I was a wreck (I hated it a lot) and relied on him. Now I am the one he's relying on, he's not so independent, no job, saying he can't live without me and being clingy, and it makes me uncomfortable. I always start thinking about breaking up with massive anxiety but I know if he suggested it I would get so anxious and probably horrified

@Rage against the machine God I sound so evil. He is such a good guy. He is smart, level headed, kind, always believed in me when I couldn't, interested in what I have to say. He is my exact type, i literally have not seen a man more MY TYPE than this guy. And I know if I leave him, the fact I can't come running to him and hold him and cry would make me feel so sad. I would probably feel like I lost a chunk of myself. But doesn't that sound so selfish, like I don't even love him? I'm so frightened. I don't know what I'm feeling bc I am contradicting myself so much

@Anonymous Wow I think that’s amazing that you have overcome that I can imagine that would have been really hard for you considering you just didn’t want your relationship to fail. When my boyfriend says that to me he’s like ok then bye I’m like ??? And then I break down crying cause I actually don’t want him to go

@Rage against the machine Girl! Let me tell you something when me and my boyfriend first started dating he was doing nothing in his life he was dropping out of college had no plans and now he’s in the most successful job you could be in we have our own apartment and things to be proud of. That’s amazing for you but you’re both so young. If he has some sort of aspiration or career path in mind that’s all that matters, he will get there. I know your OCD is probably like ugh I’m doing so much now he needs to step up which is so fair- but give him space to do that maybe have that conversation with him about your future together and how you can both grow etc

@Rage against the machine - I am NOT suggesting you get married - I think people sometimes do get married thinking things will get better and it actually just brings even more to the surface. For me, however, I think the key word that stands out to me is that you say you're "devoted" to him and I think my healing started after becoming truly devoted - years after we were first married. Devoted does not mean that you tolerate everything, you never expect him to change or grow and that you just sit on the sidelines cheering him on. Devoted, to me, means having the tough conversation of, "I'm committed to you but it makes me anxious when you're not working, is there something more I can be doing to support you in your job hunt?" Your anxiety, right or "wrong" is there for a reason and I think it's worth tapping into. My therapist has said to me over and over again that OCD wants you to neutralize, ignore or get rid of these thoughts because if you don't then something bad will happen, you're bad, etc. Time and time again, she will encourage me to get closer to it and, so far, it's never been as bad a OCD was forecasting to me that it would be. You *might* find that exploring what underpins the anxiety - a fear of being the sole earner and the responsibility that that brings as an example - and bringing it to your partner brings you two closer. And that's not to say the conversation goes swimmingly start to finish but when it doesn't and there's still repair and connection in the end and you come out on the other side of it, I think that's where the true devotion starts. The only way through it is straight through it.

@Anonymous - My husband has done that and sometimes still does that. I remind myself that he has his own wounds and triggers and I tell him directly how it makes me feel while holding space for him (which was a long process to get to that point). "I don't know if you meant to be dismissive of how I'm feeling but when you tell me x, y or z, that's how it makes me feel." Sometimes he will say that's not what he meant and we can clarify and reset and other times he tells me that he is hurting meant to essentially hurt me back. I have and sometimes still do too, have a sharp tongue when I'm hurt myself so I try to remember that we are both healing things in ourselves and each other that should have never been put there but I really think the first step is being honest. So, when he does tell me he's acting out of a wounded place, I work to understand why, clarify and reset where I hurt him and we can move on. If this person is a net good in your life, I would try to remember this next time this happens and see if holding this space for him and meeting him where he is in that moment helps you to get back on track.