- Date posted
- 30w
rocd and a lil of what i learned
rocd is really hard. and it’s hard to differentiate what you really feel based of what your ocd is making you feel or believe that you feel. but i think ive learned that a lot of my thoughts stem from real thoughts but ocd just exaggerates them into something they’re completely not. i will have a genuine thought about my boyfriend and how i wish he did something a little differently one time and my ocd will immediately twist it into, “oh you want to change him, you don’t love him for who he is, you like his potential not him” and i KNOW that’s not true. but ocd obviously will make me go crazy about it in the moment. and it’s obviously draining. i have a coworker that is the center around by rocd a lot of the time and it has to do with how i think he’s attractive, yeah he’s attractive and a good friend!!!! but that’s all!!!! i know that even if im in a relationship my eyes aren’t closed and im gonna find people attractive. but i can find people attractive and have it mean nothing!!! but my ocd will twist it. “you like him and not your partner” “you wish it was him and not your partner” when i have a negative thought about my partner, this coworker will pop up and my OCD will be like “it’d be better with him right?” “am i settling for my boyfriend?” “does my coworker have more potential?” and it’s so draining… i admire my coworker but i don’t want to pursue him romantically. i know from the bottom of my heart that my boyfriend is who i want to be with. i have no doubt about it. but my ocd will say “unless you do and you’re suppressing it” and sometimes it’s like this nagging voice that attacks me when i know it isn’t true but despite me being able to differentiate what is ocd and what is me to some extent, that doesn’t make this any easier. my ocd will still make me question it all. this whole thing makes my relationship feel stressful and not peaceful. not really sure what to do as i move forward im just kinda figuring it out as i go.