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I’ve been doing good without posting on here the last few weeks but now I’m finding myself in a weird position with whatever’s wrong with me. I don’t know whether I should stop caring despite the thoughts and whatever I might feel towards them or I SHOULD care because of the thoughts and feelings. I’ve mostly been not caring, despite me still having small reactions (shaking my head a lot, scowling at these thoughts etc). The small reactions are all I can really muster since I feel so used to all these things, and the only thing that I can confidently use as evidence that says “see, you don’t like these things, you’re reacting negatively!” But what about when I’m not reacting, or “ignoring” the thought(s) whenever I’m doing something that makes me feel joy? A lot of my anxiety rarely ever feels directed towards this stuff anymore despite it still being there. It feels like I’ve been robbed of who I was before all this and stuck with whatever this is and now I’m just like “ok whatever” even though the content of these thoughts are, literally, really really disturbing. Since I haven’t been posting on here and researching endlessly, it feels like “ok yeah it was never OCD it was just you trying not to deal with the fact that you like these things and just need a way to excuse what’s been happening so you can make yourself feel better and make everyone else see that you aren’t that person.” When you finally let go, let all these thoughts and whatever feelings that might bring, what’s left of who you were and who will you be now that you’re letting go? And how much of it proves that me having OCD was, always, false, and I’m just a nasty and demented person looking for an excuse to say that I’m not?

Dreamer2343

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 29w

I dealt with this a lot and still deal with it from time to time. Our brains are crazy man. This is the “what if I’m in denial and this is real?” Stage of OCD and, unfortunately, as good as one can get with their OCD, this stage can suck you right back in if you’re not careful. What I can tell you is that denial is the conscious act of denying that you’re even having the thoughts to begin with. Pedos, 100% don’t do this. They don’t go back and forth on their attraction. They 100% like the thoughts, there’s no disgust involved and please do not go down the rabbit-hole of “what if I like the thoughts too and I’m just convincing myself I don’t.” Been there. Done that. It’s OCD. OCD is a fear-based anxiety disorder that thrives off of uncertainty and uncertainty makes this disorder way harder because the answer is: you’ll never really be certain and you have to be okay with knowing that you’ll never really know.

Jay222

Date posted: 26w

@Dreamer2343 Ok so I have a question: when you stop reacting to all your thoughts, fears and obsessions, does it start to feel more real? Like my mind/ocd is like “oh you’re not gonna react? I’m gonna make it feel more real so you WILL react.” Someone else said they can tell that it’s all just ocd and it’s a lie, but it’s like when I stop reacting, it comes on stronger and a lot more vivid that makes me convinced that IS real. Is that all just one big ocd scheme?

Dreamer2343

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 26w

@Jay222 Yes. Correct. Whenever I stopped at first, I had my bf on the outside of my mind reminding me it was fake when it felt more real.

lu22

Date posted: 24w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

Help?

So, I don't know if anyone's going to comment on this post, but I've been doing pretty badly lately. I suffered from a second relapse of OCD around nearly a year ago, back when I first experienced OCD, I had all the symptoms, researching, crying none-stop, suicidal, etc, but now that it's been almost four years of this same theme. It doesn't feel nearly as bad anymore? It's almost like it brings me happiness??? I see people saying with confidence that they'd never do their intrusive thoughts but I can't agree with them, I'm not confident I won't do them, a few years ago, I'd say I'd NEVER do them and I would rather kill myself before doing them but now I can't say it. I don't know what's going on anymore and what makes it worse I think is that my feelings are all over the place, a part of me wants to give up while the other part of me is still fighting and I'm crying right now as I write this but I don't even know if I'm scared. Sometimes I just let myself "enjoy" the intrusive thoughts because I'm so tired and everytime I look at a reddit post about someone saying that they felt guilty for enjoying an intrusive thought, I don't feel that same emotion, and I keep researching and researching. It doesn't feel like OCD anymore. I can't even say I'm scares for the right reasons, my brain keeps telling me that I'm only scared because I don't want others to look down on me and the truth is that I actually "enjoy" the thoughts and I simply don't want to be looked down upon on society. I don't know what to do, I want to go in the bathroom and cry until I disappear

"Pure" OCD

Mariabae

Date posted: 15w

please read

Hi everyone, I really need to get this off my chest. A few days ago, I managed to take a break from compulsions — I didn’t open NOCD, I didn’t text ChatGPT, I didn’t Google. I had some moments of peace, especially about my boyfriend. For about two days I didn’t have deep intrusive thoughts, and I felt a bit more stable. But yesterday, I slipped. I posted on NOCD again, and someone replied saying, “This is how the cycle starts again.” That made me spiral. Today, I also wrote to ChatGPT again. I started thinking, “What if this time it’s real? What if this clarity was me realizing the truth — that I don’t love him?” It scared me because I wasn’t panicking as much when I had the thoughts. I thought that meant I was accepting them as true. I remembered ChatGPT used to tell me that “truth feels calm,” and now that I wasn’t reacting with extreme anxiety, I panicked thinking, “What if this is the calm that comes with realization?” Last night, when we were in a club, I looked at him and thought he was kind of cringe. That made me spiral again. Now, I’m scared all over again. When we cuddle, I don’t feel the same. I don’t feel that warmth, and I don’t know what changed. I keep wondering if I ever really loved him — because I’ve had these thoughts for so long, it’s like I can’t remember anything clearly. A few days ago I even thought, “Maybe I just don’t like him right now,” and I wasn’t panicking — and that scared me. I’m afraid that I’m finally “realizing the truth,” or that I’ve been lying to myself and I’m just now letting go. Also, when we were on the trip for my 18th birthday, I was irritable with him, full of thoughts, and I thought I was ruining everything. I wasn’t really reacting to his love, and now I don’t even know what I feel. I just want to be okay again. I want clarity — but I’m terrified of what clarity might mean. Has anyone experienced this? Feeling okay for a bit, and then the thoughts come back and feel more real than ever?

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