I have POCD with false memories, and this is hell. My nephew was sitting on my lap yesterday (usually I avoid him, but he wanted to come sit on my lap so I didn’t want to be mean and not let him) when I was holding him, I kept getting thoughts like ”you will kiss him” ”I might lose control” ”I need to know if I’d actually like to kiss him” ”I need to remember this moment perfectly so I know what I did or didn’t do” and the whole time my mind was racing. I felt like I was dissociating. And then I started to feel the false attraction feelings that I get sometimes when I see him. My brain mixes cuteness with attractiveness now. So when he was sitting on my lap I had to look at him to ”test” if I was attracted to him. I felt an urge to act on my thoughts. The whole time I got these images in my head and they instantly felt real. I got home and got a panic attack. It is horrible and it feels so real I just want to know the truth. His parents were sitting in the same room but they were talking to each other and not looking at us all the time. I don’t know what is real and what’s not real anymore and its scary. I don’t want to live without knowing what kind of person I am. Now I have a false memory about this, at least I hope its false. i fear that I acted on my thoughts because I also felt that weird feeling of attraction. I feel like this is proof that I am that kind of person and might’ve done it? I can’t take this anymore please someone share if you have similar experience or am I the only one?

Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT

Worried about situation that happened with nephew new memory or not idk I'm scared Worried about situation that happened with nephew I'm so scared when I was holding my nephew I thought " I wonder if this would sexually stimulate him" ( not the exact words don't want to be extremely graphic) I began to bump him like how people bump babies on their hips he was on my stomach cuz that's how he was handed to me. Now I fear I remember also thinking if his diaper would stimulate his private part or something like that IDK LIKE I FEEL LIKE I REMEMBER THINKING THAT BUT ALSO DON'T??? LIKE O FEEL LIKE maybe I thought this at a different time for whatever weird reason but then I'm scared that it makes sense it would happen when I held him. Does it change the situation?????I feel extremely sick because I don't know why I would think that or if it was my brain or me. Idk if it was or wasn't cuz I felt his diaper against me? Was I curious if it would? It feels like I was curious but wth why???Was it just something weird I thought? Am I actually a monster? I had been having disturbing thoughts I'm pretty sure that were related to my POCD in general for a while before that. Ik my nephew didn't get hurt but I'm so scared why would I do something like that I feel so sick and disgusted. I know away from that situation I have no sexual interest or attraction towards him I'm just so freaked out and disgusted. I don't wanna be a bad person and I don't want my worst fear to be true.

TW So I haven’t been diagnosed with pocd, but many ppl said that I have it. I was in bed when I remembered this time when I first started experiencing what I hope is false attraction not actual pedophilia, I’m looking back on it rn n I’m worried it wasn’t false attraction, I remember feeling a sense of attraction when I saw that kid, I was about14 at the time and the kid was 11 or 12. I remember constantly searching to see if it was normal for a 14 year old to like a 12 or 11 year old, I was worried when I was doing that i think, I also kept walking pass her to look at her i think to check if i was attracted or not, but it makes me worried that I was attracted to her because im worried that i did it bc i was actually attracted. now looking back on it rn, I don’t feel panic, worry, shame, or guilt, I originally only felt panic and worry, never shame or guilt. Now I don’t feel any of it, not feeling panic and worry now makes me think that I am a p, I don’t want to be a p. I hope im not a p, Ive talked to a therapist and they’ve said that it’s pocd, but it wasn’t a official diagnosis, I’m worried it was a false diagnosis because I lied on one or two of the questions. I also constantly get senses of what I hope is false attraction when I see some kids, I keep trying to figure out if it is real or false attraction. Can someone give me some advice please