well (slight vent)

I used to be such a rude person, and now it feels like it’s all coming back to me. I don’t really know how to explain it, but there was a time when I wanted so badly to be seen as a bad person. Because of that, I would say awful things to random people online, even telling them to kill themselves. I know now how harmful and disgusting that was, and I would never do it again, but I can’t stop overthinking the possibility that someone actually listened to me. Maybe they were already struggling, and maybe what I said pushed them over the edge. The worst part is that these were completely random people—I’ll never know if they’re okay or not. If I could go back and undo it, I promise I would. I know this is my karma for saying such horrible things, and I feel genuine regret. But regret feels meaningless if someone actually ended up taking their own life because of me. I get that I have to sit with the uncertainty, but my mind keeps fighting that, telling me, Why should you just accept the unknown when you might have been the reason someone took their own life? Maybe this feeling is exactly what I deserve for being so cruel in the past. I feel awful for all the people I hurt.

Tireddd

Date posted: 27w

But you need to think that you didn't do it because you're a bad person, you didn't do it with the intention of it happening, if that were the case you wouldn't be regretful. It can be true that it might have impacted someone or maybe not, we can't be totally sure. But in the end the intentions, the motives for the actions do matter, otherwise it would be very unfair. And i know it's very difficult because i live this myself, i can't stand things and it's so difficult for me to accept uncertainty, it feels so real that you might be a horrible person, that you might have caused something serious... I totally feel you, you're not alone in that sentiment. :(

dee012

Date posted: 27w

I’ve experienced the same. I would try to be edgy and rude and ive also said pretty terrible things, dunno who’s affected by my past behavior but we will never know. Remorse and accountability is good and shows growth. Sending love and healing

i am not okay

Date posted: 27w

Look, I’m not trying to reassure you or defend you, realistically, you could have had some impact on them. That being said, unless you were constantly bullying them for days on end, I highly doubt your comments alone would be the main reason for something that serious. Usually, when someone reaches that point, they’re dealing with a lot of other things, and a few comments from a stranger wouldn’t be the sole cause. But it’s good that you’re learning from this and realizing how much words can affect people.

izabela’socd

Date posted: Yesterday

You don’t deserve the pain you’re in for stuff you said in the past. You regret it and you feel awful, YOU ARE HUMAN. Society like to cancel people for anything and everything but the world forgets that as humans we MAKE MISTAKES! So please FORGIVE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON!

vmpstr_

Date posted: 25w

past guilt

hi im experiencing a lot of anxiety and guilt right now. im 16 now but in the past i said many offensive bad things, slurs and racist jokes with my friends. it was disgusting and im not proud of this. I'd never say those stuff to an actual black people to idk make fun or shame them because im not actually racist, i could never hate another person just because their skin colour is different. but i did say disgusting stuff as "a joke" and i feel very guilty about this. I don't think i was always a bad person but for around two years i was just acting mean and pretty shitty. i wish i could turn back time, but that's not possible. i was talking about stuff I didn't have a clue about, i said n word just because "its just a word, it's not that deep!". but now i know it's really more than that. yet I can't move on. i keep thinking about it so much i want to throw up. I can't look in the mirror now i don't know what to do. lately im trying to become a better person, be nice to people close to me and just to finally feel good. but i feel like I don't deserve to change and i create scenarios that people will bring up my past when ill finally be a better person.

bkelp213

Date posted: 23w

Can’t function for all my guilt

I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞

J🧸

Date posted: 14w

Rant ( any words would be appreciated )

I genuinely feel like the worlds most horrible person deeply for my past actions in childhood and general mistakes I’ve made. I feel like I shouldn’t be here or there’s no hope for me despite doing right ( trying to do right ) I’ve wanted to open up to my mom about things from my past but when I was talking to her about a situation that happened just to share, she was like “Thank God you’ve never done anything like that” But really my past mistakes are worst. It’s like I feel like I should disappear. I don’t know how to deal with the guilt and I feel horrible. I’ve made good and bad decisions but despite this being a long time ago ( which doesn’t erase my stupid actions ) I still keep bringing back into the present and I’m filled with guilt I genuinely think it would be better if I wasn’t here. I wake up think about my past things and I’m filled with guilt and shame that maybe I am a bad person and voices don’t stop, they keep telling me a lot of things that I start to believe. It makes me upset that I did something like that in my past and I try to be understanding but I can imagine the reactions of people and being condemned so much. I literally do this to myself every single day and it’s exhausting I don’t know how you guys can treat me with so much compassion and understanding. It really doesn’t feel real or like I deserve it. Like even on nocd, it makes me feel worst because I come across comments that say “as long as it’s not —-“ or something and I compare it to my past and I feel like a horrible unacceptable person.

Real Events OCD

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

well (slight vent)

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community