Beevs

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 19d ago

My Journey With ROCD

Looking back, my introverted nature and struggles to find belonging in high school may have set the stage for how OCD would later impact my relationships. I had my first relationship in high school, but OCD wasn’t a major factor then. It wasn’t until my longest relationship—six years from age 18 to 24—that OCD really took hold. The relationship itself wasn’t the issue; it was what happened after. When it ended, I became obsessed with confessing past mistakes, convinced I had to be completely transparent. Even when my partner was willing to work past them, I couldn’t let go of the intrusive thoughts, and that obsession landed me in the hospital. From there, my struggle with ROCD (Relationship OCD) fully emerged. For years, every time I tried to move forward in dating, doubts consumed me. I would start seeing someone and feel fine, but then the questions would creep in: Do I really like her? Do I find her attractive? Is she getting on my nerves? What if I’m with the wrong person? I’d break things off, thinking I was following my true feelings. But then I’d question: Was that really how I felt, or was it just OCD? I tried again and again, each time hoping I could “withstand it this time,” only to fall back into the same cycle. The back and forth hurt both me and the person I was with. By the time I realized it was ROCD, the damage had been done, and I still hadn’t built the tools to manage it. Now, at 28, I know I need to approach dating differently. I recently talked to someone from a dating app, and my OCD still showed up—questioning my every move, making me doubt my own decisions. I haven’t yet done ERP specifically for ROCD, but I know that’s my next step. Just like I’ve learned tools for managing my other OCD subtypes, I need a set of strategies for when intrusive doubts hit in relationships. My goal this year is to stop letting uncertainty control me—to learn how to sit with doubt instead of trying to “figure it out.” I want to break the cycle and be able to build something healthy without my OCD sabotaging it. I know I’m not alone in this, and I know healing is possible. I’m hopeful that working with a therapist will help me develop exposures and thought loops to practice. I don’t expect to eliminate doubt entirely—after all, doubt is a part of every relationship—but I want to reach a place where it doesn’t paralyze me. Where I can move forward without constantly questioning whether I should. And where I can be in a relationship without feeling like OCD is pulling the strings. I would appreciate hearing about your experiences with ROCD. Please share your thoughts or any questions in the comments below. I’d love to connect and offer my perspective. Thanks!

Euphori!

Date posted: 19d ago

Your doing great. Erp helps. Communicate to your partner that you have ROCD. The biggest thing for me was to learn to pause. If I thought that something my boyfriend said was 'bad for our relationship' or 'what if he shouldn't have said/done that' according to OCD, I would try to not say anything about it to him in that moment. I would wait a day or so to when I was calmer to truly evaluate the situation. Most times I realized that it really was OCD and I was so glad I didn't say anything to him. Also remember that bad days happen with ROCD. But they don't last.

Beevs

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 19d ago

@Euphori! I'm not in a relationship at the moment but it something I hold to find one day. It is scary to think of because I don't want to cause emotional damage like I did in the past.

dolfc

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 18d ago

My life with rocd "kicked off" about 2 weeks before I got married. I had this random thought that I had never had before, "what if I don't love her," and my world completely fell apart from there basically. Well I can't see completely. Got married and struggled with the obsession and fear. I would have the thought and try so hard to stop thinking it. My compulsions became to check how I was feeling, ruminate, I would look at pictures to see if I felt "right." My big one was Google. I would search, and search, and search looking for answers and get the reassurance I was seaking and the cycle would continue. I tried talking therapy. Oh god that made it worse, so much worse. I didn't know what was going on. I really had no idea what OCD was. This went on for about 6 or so months. I was just a mess and then one night my wife and I were watching TV and this show called The OCD Project came on and within 5 minutes I went, "that's me." None of the people had the same issue but what they described was exactly how I felt. After that I was lucky enough to find and OCD specialist clinic and they immediately started me on ERP. I remember having to write and record a story about my marriage falling apart and I balled my eyes out. It was like the hardest thing I ever did. But I listened to it again and again and again and eventually things became calmer in my brain and everything went more or less away. Fast forward 12 years and after COVID and some life stress it all came back and I was back to square one. Horrible. This time with two kids. I just fell apart. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Couldn't live. I knew what it was and I tried to "fight" but it just ate me up. Luckily I found NOCD and with the right ERP and meds this time around I have been good since with a few hiccups here and there but I am able to manage it with help and an amazing support system. My wife knows everything about the thoughts and she doesn't waver. She doesn't ever give me reassurance but she is literally my rock. The ERP I have done with through all my time has been so hard but the only way I have been able to get through.

Beevs

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17d ago

@dolfc Thank you so much for sharing. I needed to read this. I am proud of you! I really resonate to your story of doing that recording and it being so hard but at the end of the day, it is was truly helps us.

Anonymous

Date posted: 19d ago

aww i love this. i love this community so much. MY experience with rocd has been a long fight. i constantly obsess and sabotage my relationships because of the doubt. my ex mentioned that i was a kill joy and that my constant pestering is what drove him away. Fast forward before i knew i had ocd, i used "manifestation techniques" to try to Manifst him back. I would go to his house and call him non stop and on chirstmas day i went ot his hosue and found a womens piece of clothing. i was in shock and so confused. my rocd is still terrible. currently i am not dating as im too afraid to be betrayed again and doubt if im worthy. im still very in love with my exa and constantly obsess over the relationship. was it real and did he use me or not. i may never know for sure. days like today are esecpially hard. i cry a lot. i talk about him a lot and the relationship under the guise of reflecting on it. but truly its seeking reasurance. The only semblence of releif i get from the doubts and thoughts is reminding myself "i may never know" . I may never know his tru intentions if he loved me or if ill ever be loved or have a healthy relatinship. i may never know why i felt i could trust him one moment and the next found that girls clothing. i may never know what the reason for that connection was. i may never know why i struggled the way i did and why i loved him and why i still do. i constantly have images pop into my head of him with another girl and him with many other woman. i cant feel pleausre without images of him with her popping into my head. its truly horrifc and traumatic. and i am tolerating it. i can tolerate it. you can too. i can tolerate the uncertainity of it all.

Beevs

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 19d ago

@Anonymous Thank you so much for sharing this. Made me tear up a little when you said "I may never know" because I felt victory with that. We know that with ocd, uncertainty is what drives the ocd to go crazy and feeds off of it. But having that mindset of "may never know" seems so freeing once mastered.

NOCD NO ME

Date posted: 18d ago

My intrusive thoughts I believe they say taboo I have shared with my wife and she still by my side. Although she doesn't understand the perils of mental illness.

NOCD NO ME

Date posted: 18d ago

I am excited about ERP I have tried everything and every med since 2005

Beevs

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17d ago

@NOCD NOME Each person is different but ERP has been the true "remedy" behind me being able to take power back from OCD.

NOCD NO ME

Date posted: 17d ago

My Minister said you gotta shine a light on it

Ulrika

Date posted: 17d ago

Hi everyone! I’ve read all of your comments and I just admire your transparency and bravery. I joined this app to get to know more about OCD, I don’t have it however my ex does. I just have a question, what is the ERP for ROCD? my ex, broke up with me because he thinks he has ROCD and is currently in therapy for it. He said he had the same thoughts and patterns when he broke up with his first gf 7 yrs ago. We don’t talk anymore and I am trying not to reach out to him at this time because I want to support his decision to be in this journey by himself. We did say we can check in after some time but even then I did not push a specific time to check in with him because I don’t want him to think of it again and again while we’re apart. There is still an open line of communication between us (phone number and social media). But we both have not reached out to each other. Thank you for your time and effort! And I hope you’re having a good day/night.

Rayanswaid

Date posted: 17d ago

Thank you for sharing your journey with ROCD so openly. It takes a lot of courage to reflect on how OCD has impacted your relationships and to work toward breaking that cycle. Your awareness of how OCD fuels doubt and uncertainty is already a huge step in the right direction. Your goal of sitting with uncertainty rather than trying to ‘figure it out’ is such an important mindset shift. Doubt is a natural part of any relationship, but when OCD magnifies it, it can feel overwhelming. ERP sounds like a great next step, and I truly believe it will help you navigate these challenges with more confidence and resilience. You’re not alone in this, and it’s inspiring to see you determined to build a healthy relationship without OCD controlling the narrative. Wishing you all the best on your journey—you got this!

Beevs

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17d ago

@Rayanswaid That was so refreshing to hear! Thank you so much for your kind words!

Rayanswaid

Date posted: 17d ago

@Beevs Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! Your words really resonate with me, and it’s incredibly reassuring to hear this perspective. You’re absolutely right—learning to sit with uncertainty instead of trying to control it is a huge shift, and it’s not easy. But knowing that others have navigated this path successfully gives me so much hope. I appreciate your support and encouragement more than I can express. Wishing you all the best on your journey too!

NOCD NO ME

Date posted: 18d ago

I am new to this convo but I have been married 24 years in June and I have had intrusive thoughts for years. Because of this community I have realized that I have ROCD. It has been liberating.

NOCD NO ME

Date posted: 17d ago

I know I have been really anticipating the start of my treatment

NOCD NO ME

Date posted: 17d ago

One clinician as well as Minister called it a 💀 Monster

Beevs

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17d ago

@NOCD NO ME I call the OCD all sorts of things lol. For me it helps give less power to the OCD.

MichelleV

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 12d ago

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have full faith that you will meet your goals, and you will be able to live a life following your values, and to not allow the uncertainty to paralyze you. You have your goals in mind, you recognize this is your OCD butting in - you’re taking all the best steps forward. I’m so excited for you, to know you’ll have the future you want. I highly recommend support groups within NOCD - they’re so helpful. You can also look on the IOCDF website for support groups in your area.

521mullax

Date posted: 5d ago

I just made a choice. If I felt apathetic in the relationship it wasn’t for me

Beevs

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 5d ago

@521mullax Gotcha, But some times that's the tricky part with Relationship OCD. Makes it hard to decipher what is genuinely no interest or the OCD.

Rookeryend123

Date posted: 18w ago

Hi, I’m Matt!

Hey guys, I hope you’re well! My names Matt, and OCD has struck me again 😂 When I was 10 years old I had to attend therapy as I was having excessive intrusive thoughts. P.s. I didn’t even know this was possible at the age of 10! I then completely forgot about it, until 2.5 years ago when I started experiencing ROCD. I really couldn’t understand why I was feeling/thinking this way however, I soon after remembered my struggles as a child and then realised my OCD had returned. Also, my mum has serious OCD so I guess that could be why too. I had a a really hard battle with my emotions and mood due to this however, the last 1.5 years had been really good and I managed it well. I got married and had the best day of my life. 3 months ago, a thought about having an affair in my head appeared, and BOOM, it’s back again. I’m struggling a lot right now however, I’ve accepted that this could be a re occurring theme throughout my life, and it’s time to learn to deal with it again. I’m back on medication and have started ERP therapy, so hopefully it’s on the up from here. I’m not here to list off my triggers and thoughts as this would be me seeking reassurance however, I’m here to show that recovery is certainly possible!

Mariabae

Date posted: 12w ago

My story: feeling lost in my thoughts and numbness

Hi everyone, I’m struggling with what I believe is ROCD, but it feels so real and overwhelming that I don’t know what to trust anymore. I wanted to share my thoughts and experiences, hoping someone can relate and maybe help me feel a little less alone. Lately, I’ve been feeling completely disconnected and numb toward my boyfriend. I don’t know if I love him, and I’m constantly questioning my feelings. Sometimes when we’re together, I feel like I don’t want to talk to him, or I find him annoying, boring, or even cringe. Then, I feel immense guilt because he’s a loving and caring person who doesn’t deserve this. I have these intrusive thoughts that say: • “You don’t love him.” • “You’re just pretending.” • “You’re fed up with him.” • “You want someone else.” Sometimes, it doesn’t even come as a question like “What if?” — it comes as a statement, which makes it even scarier. And because I feel numb or indifferent when these thoughts come, it feels like they must be true. I’m also terrified that this isn’t ROCD, that maybe I’m not experiencing anxiety at all, and that these thoughts reflect how I truly feel. This fear is paralyzing and makes everything worse. I feel trapped, wondering if I’m just in denial and avoiding the truth. When I’m with him, I get caught in mental compulsions like: • Checking my feelings constantly to see if I feel love. • Comparing how I feel now to how I used to feel. • Seeking reassurance by thinking things like, “If I didn’t love him, would I feel this bad?” • Replaying memories to convince myself that I care about him. • Reading posts about ROCD to feel better, but the relief never lasts. I also feel like I’m ruining my relationship day by day. I get irritable and rude, and I know it hurts him, which makes me feel like a horrible person. I worry that I’m pushing him away and that one day he’ll give up on me, and it’ll be all my fault. Sometimes, I have moments where I feel happy to see him, and that confuses me even more. I recently saw him for a few minutes while I was out with my friends, and I felt joy seeing him. But when we’re together for longer, my mind gets flooded with doubts and fears again. I hate myself for feeling this way. I feel like I’m failing him, and failing myself. I’m scared that I’m in denial, that I don’t really love him, and that I’m forcing myself to be in this relationship. The numbness makes me feel like I don’t care, but deep down, I want to care. I want to love him, feel happy with him, and just be normal. But my thoughts keep telling me otherwise, and I feel trapped in this loop. If anyone has gone through something similar, or has any advice on how to manage these thoughts and compulsions, I’d be so grateful. I just want to know that I’m not alone, and that there’s a way through this. Thank you for reading. 💔

Mariabae

Date posted: 12w ago

My thoughts, feelings and compulsions

1. Thoughts about Not Loving My Boyfriend: • “What if I don’t love him?” • “I feel like I’ve lost my feelings for him.” • “I don’t feel love the way I used to.” 2. Fear of Changing or Being Different: • “What if I’ve changed and this is the real me now?” • “What if I’ve grown out of the relationship?” 3. Doubt About Attraction: • “I’m not attracted to him anymore.” • “I feel numb when I look at him.” 4. Thoughts of Disconnection and Irritation: • “I feel irritated when he shows affection.” • “I feel bored or disconnected when we talk.” • “Why do I feel like I can’t stand him sometimes?” 5. Fear of Denial: • “What if I’m in denial and I’m just pretending to love him?” • “What if all these thoughts are true?” 6. Fear of Being a Bad Person: • “I’m a terrible person for feeling this way.” • “I’m ruining my relationship and hurting him.” 7. General Anxiety About the Future: • “What if I’ll fall for someone else in the future?” • “What if I’ll never feel love again?” 8. Intrusive Thoughts from the Past: • “I had violent thoughts about my dad.” • “I worried I was a pedophile after seeing a video.” Feelings Associated with These Thoughts: 1. Numbness and Emotional Disconnection: • Feeling emotionally flat or unable to access love or joy. 2. Guilt and Shame: • Feeling like a bad person or partner. 3. Hopelessness and Despair: • Feeling like things will never get better. • Believing i am stuck this way forever. 4. Irritation and Frustration: • Getting annoyed when my boyfriend shows affection. 5. Fear and Panic: • Experiencing overwhelming anxiety when questioning my feelings. 6. Sadness and Confusion: • Crying frequently, feeling lost, or not understanding why i feel this way. Compulsions I Engage In: 1. Reassurance Seeking: • Constantly asking others if everything is okay or if your feelings are normal. 2. Researching and Googling: • Searching for answers about ROCD, anxiety, and relationships online. • Checking forums like the NOCD app for reassurance. 3. Mental Checking and Analysis: • Constantly checking if i feel love, attraction, or connection. • Analyzing every interaction and emotion to see if they’re “right.” 4. Confessing: • Telling your boyfriend or others about your thoughts to relieve guilt or doubt. 5. Avoidance: • Pulling back from conversations or interactions with my boyfriend due to anxiety. 6. Comparing: • Comparing your current feelings to how you used to feel at the beginning of the relationship. 7. Self-Criticism: • Judging yourself harshly and believing i am a terrible person. FEELING SO REAL I’m struggling with ROCD and it’s consuming me. My intrusive thoughts make me feel like I don’t love my boyfriend, that I’ve changed, or that I’m a terrible person. These thoughts make me feel numb, disconnected, and hopeless. My compulsions include constant reassurance-seeking, analyzing my feelings, researching online, and confessing my fears. It’s exhausting, and I’m desperate to feel like myself again. Does anyone relate to this? How do you cope?

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