Ugh simulations

I posted a comment on a video on tiktok and got super super attacked by it and it’s making me feel like I deserve to go to hell because I typed it wrong. The context of the video is that basically this girl is saying she’s never met a genuinely non judgmental Christian and I said:”Every single time I mention not waiting for marriage with my boyfriend I’m suddenly scolded and shoved with all the benefits of waiting down my throat. It honestly drives me further away from Christ” and people were reading it my boyfriend was the one shoving the benefits down my throat when that isn’t the case at all. My boyfriend does not claim to be a Christian. He is discovering his beliefs as am I as a semi-Christian still figuring things out for myself. I meant this comment as other Christian’s scolding me for not knowing if I want to wait and it driving me further from Christ. But one of the comments said this: “these are non negotiables if you’re a follower of Christ. He’s standing firm in his convictions, if you’re unequally yoked in faith the relationship will not work. You know his convictions, you know his Faith, yet you’re pushing him into temptation and sin that’s clearly defined in scripture. That’s being disrespectful to him and his faith. If you’re not on the same page on such a crucial thing, it’s okay to not be with him.” And a couple more comment such as this. This was SUPER triggering for me. I eventually commented back saying that wasn’t how I meant the comment and should’ve worded it better, but now I feel like I have to be miserable with Christ and follow everything they said and break up with my boyfriend because this person said I’m like horrible for shoving it down his throat when that isn’t the case. What if I’m a horrible person and deserve eternal damnation and just don’t know it. What if I’m secretly like a demonic creature that is ruining everyone’s lives and just don’t know it? I’m so scared for my future and that everyone hates me now

So, alot has changed. I'm Christian and currently believe we are in the end of times. It's changed my whole perspective on life. I quit my job and moved back in with family, starting to go to church, apologized to those I hurt except, one person who I talked to two family members and they told me to delete the message and with my other apology ( that i also believed was God telling me to confess in 2020) i lied at some parts because of shame and confusing myself most likely intentionally. I confessed everything to my dad and he says since i turned from it, repented, that i need to let it go and continue forward. Since then, my minds been saying that I'm outside of God's will and everything's gone down hill. I had also prayed that God exposed me and now it's like all this evil and wickedness that feels like it's coming out of my heart settles into my chest. I've prayed to God, worshipped to God, but thoughts and images of being sent to hell or my loved ones pops into my head and I've gone to sleep twice each night accepting the fact that because of me not doing so may have doomed me and my loved ones and I feel scared that I got so tired and stopped fighting it. I've had ocd since I was 7 but it just is so scary because it's hitting down to the wire and I'm scared that I was never a child of God at all I mean I have iniquity I thought I repented for but people I love still struggle with what I've done and I prayed for them and tried to help them and suggest therapy but I haven't did what I could to make it right like I should've. But these images and thoughts they're horrible. I feel like I'm against God truly and I'm like Lord change the circumstances and I won't resist so that I can preach Your word and everyday I feel like I'm gambling. It's like every thought is biblical for the most part. I don't want to kill myself cuz what if I have a chance that God will have mercy on me but....

I put a trigger warning because I will be discussing themes of end of times. I feel like I'm not following God's will. God knows ultimately that things were going to speed up end of times wise. A few months ago, I had a random thought to call someone I had affected with past sin and apologize to him although I did not know he was there, my sin affected him. I know he deserves an apology, but I chalked it up to ocd and treated it as such for months fast forward to now I feel like I'm completely against God. Horrifying. It's a complex situation I caused and therefore though I know he deserves an apology I'm really scared as I created a mess of things. I've been praying that God help certain things come to fruition so I could be exposed and help minister to others if that's what He's calling me to do but no answer. Instead horrible images and thoughts and feelings of doom. I see signs to apologize everywhere. I'm at my wits end. Because I tend to get ahead of myself I asked two family members and they said don't and then I see things that say Though people in your life mean well, don't go based on what they say only what God says. I tell God to do His will and I'll follow, do you think He'll listen. I even told Him I straight up don't want to do it, not because He doesn't deserve one, but because last time I apologized to someone else I didn't do it right and it was messy. I feel so evil, like a wolf in sheep's clothing. I also remember looking up morbid things for what???? Only to be disturbed pray about it and leave by why search it up again? I also fantasized alot about guys I've been single forever, late 20s now, I'm trying to go to church and my crush is there and I try to stop thinking about him because I know it's delusional but the thoughts don't leave. I'm so tired I want to stop but stop what? Living? I want to stick to God as close as possible. I'm going crazy.