Past mistakes and regrets.

TW: Abuse/Pocd Im feeling really hopeless right now. I have an extensive history of sexual abuse, neglect, physical and emotional abuse as well and a significant amount of trauma from my childhood. I didn’t get any help until my late teens. During this time period I was an incredibly troubled child/teenager and I made a ton of really bad decisions that go against all my morals and values now as a grown adult. I feel like I messed up so bad I don’t deserve to recover. I don’t want to discuss all the events because they are quite personal to me but I’m really struggling with past sexual mistakes and feeling like some sort of deviant because of my past. I never hurt anyone and I never to my knowledge did anything illegal but I definitely had sexual behavior issues from my abuse. I sexualized my own abuse to cope with it. I feel horrible about this. Like I’m a monster. It also convinces me my thoughts are true and it’s evidence. Should I go to a OCD specialist for this or a sex therapist? Is there anything they can even do.

hanna13

Date posted: 23w

First of all: you should not feel like a monster for being a victim who didn’t know any other ways to cope. Secondly: I bet an OCD specialist would help! Even talking to a therapist practice about what would best help you could also help you find the best fit (sex therapist vs OCD one). I wish you luck! Sending support <3

Derickk

Date posted: 23w

@hanna13 Thank you for those kind words. I’ve been spiraling trying to figure out what my past means about me. I made so many mistakes I feel awful.

Tireddd

Date posted: 23w

I sadly relate to this, i got kind of neglected as a child, parentified, and molested, so i coped by romanticizing those disgusting things. I saw disgusting fictional things on the internet until i was like 15, but i never felt attracted to children, instead i always felt attracted to older people and sexualized myself. I strongly regret everything like you 😰

Derickk

Date posted: 23w

@Tireddd Your past does not define you ❤️

clancyc

Date posted: 23w

I relate with this. Forgiveness, learning, and honesty is hard to have but we still deserve it. It’s the only way to feel better sometimes. We may BE better, but feeling better is important too. Our pasts may shape us but every detail doesn’t have to define our future. We can make the choices we have in our control to do what we can now to be true to ourselves. I consider myself to be much more sane and grounded, but having grace for my inner child is still hard—but I manage when I can. If you can do that, I’m sure you can easily figure it out with a therapist. Everyone in life needs to grow, some more than others, and that’s okay. As long as we’re growing and accepting ourselves and what we have done.

Derickk

Date posted: 23w

@clancyc Thank you for sharing your experience. Definitely makes me feel less alone. I definitely need to accept the past and move forward it’s just incredibly difficult due to the circumstances. I think recognizing that I’m older now with different morals, beliefs and ethics helps. People change. I’m not who I was five years ago and you probably aren’t either.

anonymous2580

Date posted: 25w

Remembering things from my childhood

(20f) I have been dealing with severe OCD symptoms for as long as I can remember. I recently got diagnosed about a year ago, and even though I know that these thoughts are probably my ocd, I still cant shake them. Growing up I was always very sexually curious. I was sheltered from a lot of things, as I went to a private school and things like sexuality and sex were never talked about. I remember doing some weird sexual things growing up (never affecting another person), looking up taboo sexual things, etc. I always seemed to become aroused no matter what the situation was, even if I just saw someone getting changed. I have no recollection of being SA'd, so i'm wondering where this all came from? Was I just curious and wanted to experiment and try different things? Or am I really a pervert, pedophile, etc. I have all these thoughts racing through my head and it's killing me. Everything I did as a kid I look back on and am disgusted, as those don't align with my views at all today. I never thought growing up thinking these things were wrong, or actually realize what they were until I got older. I'd like to think it was just my curiosity, but i'm not sure. What if i'm in denial and actually do like these things? I just need to know if theres something wrong w me, I cant keep going on like this. Could really use some advice.

Parker_b

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23w

Sexual Real event ocd.

Getting eaten alive by thoughts right now, when I was a child me and other kids around my age would experiment and do things we shouldn’t have, I’m talking very young, like 3-5 as I got older I was for whatever reason always curious to a horrible extent and it lead me to do in appropriate things to kids around me, I was 7-8 at the time. I would say it happened 3 times in total in my childhood. And i eventually told my parents the last time it happened because even though I didn’t know it at the time. I had ocd. And I knew it was bad. That was when it all started. I feel absolutely disgusted with my 7 year old self and it comes up every once in a while especially when I hear anything about sexual abuse. I’m nearly 20 now and I enjoy my life for the most part and I’ve been down the ocd path before but I feel unforgivable. And I never want to tell anyone about it, but my ocd seems to want that. I have a beautiful girlfriend that had some traumatic things happen to her and I love her with my soul. I don’t ever want that to come up. Because that’s not who I am. When will I be able to forgive myself? If at all I hope I’m not alone.

Real Events OCD

dee012

Date posted: 9w

taboo theme ocd and childhood trauma

i need some kind words or maybe some advice? basically i went through trauma as a kid including sexual, and acted out in disturbing ways. I’ve done things i regret. even as an early teenager i did also. the only weird things ive done recently were compulsions and weird ocd driven stuff… but besides that ive found it easy to forgive myself for a lot of stuff because i know myself and my intentions and also talking to people helps. but one thing that’s hard is when im intimate with others or in a relationship. i feel so gross and undeserving like if they knew everything ive done in my life they would hate me. I don’t tell everyone everything, i think i only did that with therapists and like one family member. I feel like if I don’t tell someone everything I’ve done that I regret and see if they forgive me for it, then that means im “hiding” something about me and being malicious. anything helps :(

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Past mistakes and regrets.

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community