🌟✨️

Date posted: 26w

Ruminating abt social media again

Adults only as pocd mentioned I'm still thinking abt all the friends online who have unfollowed me,some cases even i think softblocked or fully blocked me. My brain is convinced that I must have done something gross and predatory or I did something racist or in general bigoted and they came to terms with it and left me. I can't stop thinking abt it. I just remembered checking an old discord for a fandom I was in when I was 17,half the people there had unadded me when we were friended and possibly even blocked,I hadn't talked to a lot of them in a long time though,but I thought we were on good terms. I think we also used to follow eachother on tumblr but before I made a new tumblr I remember not seeing their posts after some point and I can't remember if it's just bc I wasn't on much or i unfolloed or I got blocked. I feel I must have done something awful. One of my worst fears is people i care abt or was friends w leaving me and not telling me why,I have so much stuff I did on the internet I feel regret abt and it could be any of those things,as i mentioned i cant stop goint thru old messages and there have been times ive seen me make like a nsfw joke as a teen in a group chat or me not react negatively when someone else in the chat does something weird . I'm constantly scared who the next old friend i have will suddenly disappear one day,letting me wonder if I did something hurtful or predatory or bigoted to them or someone they know. I have so much stuff I regret a lot when i was younger,I have so much stuff I wanna confess but I'd be here all day and I'm bound to forget something then remember it later and spiral.

Love1another<3

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 26w

This is a lot of rumination and I can’t give reassurance unfortunately so I’ll say that just letting the thoughts be there and using them as exposure practices, will help over time :) Each time you ruminate, it will bring you further down the Ocd rabbit hole

Accountability

Date posted: 26w

Have you ever taken the time to write down all of the racist , bigoted, or harmful posts/comments you have made to people?

🌟✨️

Date posted: 26w

No,because i can't find a lot of the posts from my teens ,Google plus for example was deleted and i could only access what Other people said in response via old email notifications. But ive been looking thru old messages and posts to find it. I don't think I said offensive humor as much as I was complacent and hanged around people who would use edgy humor. I think i was too nervous to make edgy jokes myself but would still indulge in it. For example I watched filthy frank at the time in my early teens and thought it was funny.

🌟✨️

Date posted: 26w

@🌟✨️ 'Find it ' being trying to find any instance of me being harmful

Accountability

Date posted: 26w

@🌟✨️ I have never seen filthy frank so I don’t know exactly what type of humor you’re referring to. However even if you can’t find every single comment or joke you made it would still benefit you to write down all of the things you DO remember and ruminate on

🌟✨️

Date posted: 26w

@DaynaE He was an old youtuber comedian that would sometimes say offensive jokes while playing an asshole character he made up,i thought it was funny when i was 15-14 i think but now i dont and regret ever watching it a lot. What should i do after writing down everything i ruminate on?

Love1another<3

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 25w

@🌟✨️ We’ve all done things that we aren’t proud of today ❤️ It’s part of growing up and it’s great that you can recognize that you’d like to make changes :) You could write down just a few triggering things you’ve said previously as an ERP exercise. Saying “maybe this was bigoted, maybe not but I’m not gonna try to figure these things out right now” and let the anxiety decrease on its own. Although, be careful of trying to figure out and write down every single mistake you’ve made in the past as that’s often a checking compulsion & rumination, which would definitely make your OCD worse over time. Does more harm than good to try to examine & remember everything. Best of luck 🙏

Accountability

Date posted: 25w

@🌟✨️ After writing it down there are multiple options. Think about how you would feel if those things were said to you and then do something symbolic with it to close that chapter of your life. You can crumble it up and put it in a bottle & watch it flow down the river, you can tie it to a balloon and watch it fly away. Things like this might help your brain visualize that you’re no longer that person

ughhhh

Date posted: 26w

I relate to you with certain things about this post. Online stuff scares me too as I was also online at an extremely young age and regret seeing, doing things too especially when I got to my older teens. In this post I see your over thinking a lot and over analyzing so imma tell you your alone and theres plenty of people who struggle with the same things you do. I suggest you do some coping mechanisms and calm yourself if you’re still in destress about this rumination. I hope you’ll be ok and evolve🙏🤍

Accountability

Date posted: 25w

I wish you the best in this journey !

🌟✨️

Date posted: 26w

I mentioned this in another post. I remember hanging around people with edgy and offensive humor as a teen. I also thought nsfw jokes were funny and there's been times where nsfw stuff happened in group chats when I was a teen and younger people were present. It was jokes and stuff but there's been times people in there took it too far .

🌟✨️

Date posted: 26w

I'm also in a gc still w someone who used to be awful abt the first thing. Slurs and everything and even messaging very offensive statements as 'jokes' when I posted social justice stuff on my story. We don't follow eachother anymore and the gc only comes to life like maybe 1 to 2 times a year for people to talk abt old times. But I ruminate so much abt it. This group also I think had a fall out w one of my friends that was rly bad but I've still been friendly w people in the gc (tbh I don't think all of them were involved in the fallout at the time but still) I'm scared my friend might hate me for this. We don't rly talk much anymore but have followed eachother and had been friends since I was 15 and they were 13

🌟✨️

Date posted: 26w

@🌟✨️ The guy who did this ( the slur stuff) eventually did stop ( i asked another friend abt this and they clarified he got better abt it) but he still acts vaguely weird ish sometimes I think ,just less so

Givenup

Date posted: 15w

Pocd and my situation

Youtubers are constantly getting accused of doing p*dophilic activity and its making me think my real events are as bad or as worse as them... Ive vented a lot to a lot of people in the PM's about my OCD... some of them younger (minors)... because I wanted reassurance from everyone and anyone... but this situation triggers me the most because I was venting about my 18+ HOCD situations... In an HOCD support group I was in, I vented to 2 minors in the PM's about my 18+ HOCD situations... The leader of the support group (that i vented to) was 17... I was 19 at the time... the other minor i vented to was younger (14-15)... the younger one told me she was uncomfortable when i vented to her in the PM's twice... i stopped and blocked her after she told me the second time... i kept asking the leader of the support group for reassurance for my 18+ HOCD situations for months because she kept giving me reassurance... i thought she was cute but didnt pursue her because of my age... i dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a groomer in any way... I keep getting this gut feeling in my stomach that i "flirted" with the younger one that I vented to, who i blocked after she told me twice she was uncomfortable about me venting about my 18+ hocd situations... i didnt ever vent to them for malicious intent... I was trying to get reassurance for my hocd... Plus my pocd keeps saying I cant have any opinions online because of my pocd and real events ocd situations and that Im not a good person so I cant say anything online... Also i keep getting intrusive thoughts of people labelling me as a P and a MAP in the future because of these pocd real events... And i keep getting intrusive thoughts of being outcasted and "cancelled" online when someone "exposes" me for my POCD and real events OCD...

Givenup

Date posted: 15w

Pocd and youtubers

Givenup

Date posted: 6w

UPDATE

UPDATE: ive reduced my posts to once per day in hopes of trying to overcome this... but right now... i genuinely feel so horrible and anxious that i need to post... (For context, in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent a n00d to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly explicitly chatted wjth a minor... i know that this is all my fault, but still...) Its making me feel like I cant remember things properly... making me think i unknowingly explicitly chatted with a minor online or being catfished by a man or kid... making me question every woman Ive ever been flirted with or explicitly chatted with... intrusive thoughts of me "explicitly cybering with a minor or a man" and of me going to jail because my worst fear of "unknowingly cybering with a minor(s), or being catfished by one" coming true... im genuinely depressed... and I feel so alone... uncertainty has brought me nothing but hell... and theres no getting out... it feels like im waiting every day for my intrusive thoughts and fears to be proven right, and ending up with me going to jail... I have never felt more alone... I just keep getting intrusive thoughts that one day, when I become famous or get my dream job, im going to get a future moment of any girl I explicitly cybered with in the past, saying... "Hey, I was a minor when we cybered and while you didnt know, im going to get you arrested or cancelled." Or that im gonna get catfished by a dude pretending to be a woman online... Im genuinely scared of the future... and this is honestly why I dont want to be famous or an influencer... Because not only do i fear someone will "expose" me for my POCD and my Real Events OCD, but im also scared about this entire situation...

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Ruminating abt social media again

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