Guilt over memories

I had a life before I was with my partner, that involved having girlfriends and one night stands, etc. That's a lifetime of memories that I now feel guilty for having. Something as silly as watching a TV show with my girlfriend will make me think "I used to watch this show with an ex, is it ok to watch it with my current girlfriend?" and I will feel real guilt over it and need to seek her reassurance. There are other memories, about "intimate" times, that sometimes come into my head and I have urges to share them with my girlfriend to alleviate the guilt I feel for having the memory. Fundamentally, I feel guilty every time I have a memory of an ex, often regardless of the content. I feel like I shouldn't have thoughts of anyone else other than my current partner and it's wrong to have memories of exes. When I do, I feel guilty, ruminate, then have the uncontrollable urge to share the memories with her. She gets upset, I get upset, but also feel relief that I've shared. Does anyone have any similar experiences and/or tips around this sort of issue? Thanks.

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 23w

Hi J0hnb0y82. What you are describing sounds like a typical OCD cycle. It usually starts with a triggering situation (watching a TV show) and then an obsession pops up ("I used to watch this show with an ex, is it ok to watch it with my current girlfriend?), it makes you feel worried/distress/guilty/uncomfortable, and then that leads you to engage in a compulsion (seeking reassurance, ruminating, telling your current partner what is going on, etc). Compulsions do provide relief, like you said you get upset but feel that sense relief. That is all part of the OCD and how it works, and then the tricky part is that relief is only temporary and short lived so then the cycle starts all over again. I say all of this to let you know you are not alone and the best way to combat this is through ERP (exposure and response prevention) treatment. If you aren't in therapy already, ERP would be a great tool that will help you learn how to disengage from those compulsions and break that OCD cycle. At NOCD we are trained as expertise in the practice of ERP. If you're interested and want that support please reach out to NOCD's care team at care@nocdhelp.com or visit www.treatmyocd.com. I hope this reaches you well and know that at NOCD, we are always here to help!

tvmiller

Date posted: 23w

I relate to this 100%, exactly as you described. Memories, shows, songs- it can all be a trigger. It’s painful and lonely and scary, the guilt is overwhelming. You just lived your normal life but now it feels like you wronged the person you love, somehow. I don’t have any tips as I’m still struggling myself and I was very recently diagnosed with OCD. But you’re not alone. And thank you for sharing, because I feel less alone now too.

Existential-...

Date posted: 23w

It’s a very slippery slope sharing for relief, I’d generally recommend from experience and studies to share when you’re not doing so to seek reassurance. If you only do so when you need to feel relief from thoughts you’re actively building a compulsion which will overtime become dependant on said partner, which then creates an environment where they become involved in your OCD—which can become taxing over time. If financially possible, I recommend the therapy options available on the platform. Good luck!

savvyp

Date posted: 24w

Feeling guilt

I sometimes come back to this particular feeling and thought. So when I first met my partner I wasn’t immediately attracted to him. I don’t think I thought he was ugly by any means. I met him at work along with another new go worker and I thought the other co worker was cuter than my current partner. That alone fills me with guilt but what’s even WORSE was that I told a friend “Oh man I wish that guy was in our group instead of the other.” Something like that. I feel so much freaking guilt over that comment. I adore my partner and this always fills me with shame. I think my partner is the most beautiful man in the world and I kick myself that that was my first thought or worlds about him. I don’t know what to do. I want to confess but how do you even say that to your partner? I just feel so guilty and awful inside….

sunbear28

Date posted: 24w

Irrational Guilt in 5 month relationship

Ive been having terrible irrational thoughts that Ive cheated and don’t remember. Like the guilt made me repress the memory and im actually an awful person and someone’s gonna expose me. I know it’s not true and I love my boyfriend more than anything but i feel so guilty for something ive never done. its been making my life so difficult and i dont know how to explain it without sounding like im covering something up :( Its making me think that I need to break up and i don’t want too, but the guilt and anxiety is eating away at me. I feel like I need to get better before I continue on or i’m going to permanently ruin everything with my mental illness

mary_22

Date posted: 23w

is it ROCD?

i saw my ex yesterday unexpectedly on the bus on the way home and it triggered me, we stopped talking abruptly and it didn’t end well, i felt immediately guilty for feeling like that and i told my boyfriend. today i thought about it too and felt this strange unsettling feeling, i feel guilty even thinking about it, i just want to stop thinking and ruminating, i was like “what if i wanna go back with him? why do i keep thinking this?” and i felt horrible, i just want some rest, what do you suggest? does it happen to you too?

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Guilt over memories

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