ROCD and house chores

Hi everyone. I’m having a really hard time today in my relationship. I am just feeling so frustrated by my back-and-forth feelings about my relationship. One day I’ll feel so good, and then the next I don’t at all. I think my biggest trigger in the house is the chores that the two of us have to do in the house. I’m much more of a clean person than my boyfriend is. I’m also thinking that he has ADHD and struggles to remember when to do specific chores and I have to remind him pretty often, but he will usually do it when I ask. Today, I’m on a huge spiral of telling myself that he is never gonna be able to learn to do things on his own, he’s not gonna be able to take care of our kids in the future If we do get married, he’s not gonna be able to help take care of our house when we do have one one day, And I am just exhausted. It’s so hard fighting these thoughts all day and then I feel like I have to sit down and talk to him about chores and obviously that doesn’t go well when I’m not feeling good. Definitely a compulsion… It feels so much better when I can just relax and just let him figure things out on his own, and I can just take care of myself. I also come from a household where I was constantly criticized and controlled in certain ways, so I have that to carry too…I’ve gotten much better at doing that most of the time but today is pretty bad. It always feels a little bit worse as well when I’m on my period and feeling very hormonal as well… Can anyone please shed some light on if they’ve experienced this before and any support they might be able to offer in relation to this? Anything would be helpful and please be kind!

AnonD

Date posted: 12d ago

I have been through this too! My partner does have Adhd and she can have a hard time doing things. It's not because she doesn't want to do certain chores, she really does, it's just she gets so distracted that she has a hard time remembering. I had some of the same worries as you and then I noticed that on the weekends when she is less tired from work and has some time to herself, I can come home and she has cleaned the whole house lol. I just learned to trust her, and she would get things done, it's just going to be when her brain allows it. Some chores don't need to be done right away. My partner has a pile of laundry on her side of the bed but I don't worry about it anymore because I know she will get to it eventually.

claire12

Date posted: 12d ago

@Anonymous Yeah I think my issue is I have a very hard time trusting others. I also get so controlling and mean? I hate that part of myself. So I’ll often critique him which further erodes our relationship. We have so many good things going and he is so wonderful, I just want to feel that more rather than seeing all his faults. He truly hates cleaning so that is why he doesn’t do it, but he often will forget or just say “yeah yeah I’ll get to it” and then never does. So of course I catastrophize.

AnonD

Date posted: 12d ago

@claire12 Trusting others can be difficult and with OCD it's hard to trust yourself. I'm no therapist but maybe just explain to him calmly that you wish he would help out around the house a little more. Maybe there are specific chores he is responsible for. Or ask why he may not like to clean. Does he think it's boring or a waste of his time? It could reveal something to you both. Maybe find a way that doing chores together is fun. I wonder if you both could make it more playful or something. Play music and dance around while cleaning the kitchen. Just an idea!

claire12

Date posted: 12d ago

@Anonymous Yeah I think a lot of it underneath is I feel he’s doing it because he doesn’t care about me, which is why I get so intense about it. So he barely even wants to engage in a convo about it anymore because ive been so intense. But he is definitely still trying he just really struggled to prioritize it

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 12d ago

This can be so hard. You're doing a great job of recognizing ROCD for what it is - and that is often hard to do! A good Response Prevention Message, to use when OCD brings in those future worries, could be "I trust that we will figure that out IF and WHEN it happens." Then redirect to engaging in your values in the moment, which sound like refocusing on your self/self-care. Another option that may help, a general chores list of who does what each week - if that is established, then it can be a good tool to prevent compulsions of talking to your partner repeatedly about this.

Anonymous

Date posted: 12d ago

My husband also has ADHD and I have OCD and I have found it really challenging - mess and the mental load leads me to feel really anxious a disregulated; no advice, just that it is very hard. Definitely helps to focus on the things that HAVE to be done that you both maybe agree to, I realized I had a lot of expectations for things I felt needed to be done and we needed to align on what truly had to happen and by when to have a better delegation of labor.

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 11d ago

I understand that you have ROCD, but what I'm hearing from your post is more about the frustration with the your partners tidiness related to ADHD. ADHD can be a debilitating disorder that causes people a lot of problems in their lives. ADHA is also a treatable condition! Medication can be helpful, but also learning strategies and utilizing tools is important in managing ADHD. I wonder if you are trying to help him with his ADHD more than he is putting in the effort to help himself. There is a lot of information on the internet about how to manage ADHD and there are therapists who are specially trained in this area.

claire12

Date posted: 11d ago

@Patricia Sinclair He definitely is not putting effort in and it’s really challenging. He hasn’t even explored the ADHD with his own therapist because he doesn’t want to

Hailey25

Date posted: 21w ago

Someone pls help w ROCD

I’m really frustrated with myself. I got diagnosed with ROCD about 2 and a half weeks ago and now it’s taken over my life. I was just with my boyfriend who is absolutely amazing and I was obsessed with 2 and a half weeks ago and then a switch flipped and I started questioning everything and have gone numb. I noticed immediately something was wrong and booked an appt with my therapist who sent me to an OCD therapist who I meet with on Wednesday for the first time. I’m frustrated because when I’m with him I know what I should be feeling and can acknowledge how great he is and how good looking he is but I feel this block in my chest keeping me from feeling things. Anyone have any advice or has ever felt this way? I know I’m new to this and haven’t started therapy yet but my god it is so draining and the guilt I feel is insane. Let me know please🙏

cherryred14

Date posted: 17w ago

ROCD damaging my relationship

Right now, i’m waiting for a response from my partner. Yesterday, we got into a serious conversation about the repeated cycle of reassurance seeking and extreme anxiety. he’s been so incredibly patient but I think he’s hit a crosswords in that if I don’t make serious, healthier changes, he does not see the relationship continuing in a healthy or meaningful way anymore. This morning, I told him I wanted to give him space and to respond once he felt comfortable. I attended a support group today but I am consumed with spiraling, obsessive thoughts due to his lack of response now that it’s 5pm and I sent that text at 8am. I dont want to overwhelm him but i just dont know how to sit with the uncertainty. I feel like his lack of response and communication today means he wants to break up. I feel sick and cannot eat. I dont know what to do- any suggestions or thoughts?

claire12

Date posted: 6w ago

Valentine’s Day ROCD :(

Really struggling today so far. I have partner-focused ROCD so I’m constantly picking apart my partner and looking for warning signs that he doesn’t love me enough and doesn’t want to be with me or care for me. Valentine’s Day is really hard for me because it’s not a huge holiday for the two of us but of course my ROCD takes it and runs with it. It tells me that he doesn’t love me, things won’t get better, he doesn’t care, he’s lazy, he’s the worst boyfriend, etc. This sucks so much because I just want to accept the fact that my brain wants to tell me these things…it is just so hard!!! :(

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