punished….

Struggling. My mind/OCD told me I had already abused my child by breathing when they were laying across me and that I might as well do something else to hurt them. I had to think for a second, but the only thing that came to mind was to move my elbow towards their groin area to cause a "feeling". Well I did just that, and I ended up grazing their groinal area and it caused a disgusting unwanted feeling. I IMMEDIATELY wanted to throw up and panicked. I also asked my child to move off of me immediately. It went against my morals, beliefs, and values as an individual and mother. I can't stop thinking about it and it's very debilitating. I didn't enjoy a single moment of it. But my question to you guys is am the monster that I've always been scared of being? Do I belong in the ground? Do I deserve to have a wonderful life and wonderful, perfect child?

TW- POCD people only please. Am I a criminal hiding behind a diagnosis? I woke up in the middle of the night breathing and I was having groinals because she laying across me. My mind told me I had already hurt her so might as well do something else. I then was like well I have nothing to lose and I had to think of what to do. The only thing I could think to do was move my elbow towards her groin area to cause a feeling. Well I did that and my elbow touched her groin and caused an unwanted feeling. I then immediately asked my child to move. After that, I went back to sleep but I believe in a state of shock as to what happened. I woke up panicking completely thinking I have done ruined my life. I was going to prison and would lose my child. Since then, I haven't stopped ruminating. I have had days where I feel okay, but then there are days where I can't stop crying. Thinking I don't deserve my child, and I deserve to be in the ground. I was on a new medication that was causing me to spiral and giving me insomnia during this time. I wasn't getting much sleep at all. Since then, I've slept on the floor, and I eventually got my child to sleep in their own bed to avoid this happening again. I got off the medication and feel so much better with my thoughts and sleeping so much better. My daughter tells me how wonderful I am often, but I don't feel that I even deserve to celebrate Mother's Day this year. I'm not a good mom. I was four months ago before I spiraled. What's wrong with me? (edited)

𝕊𝕔𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕚𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕕𝕖𝕟𝕥 😞𝕋𝕎𝕋𝕎𝕋𝕎 ℙ𝕃𝔼𝔸𝕊𝔼 𝔻𝕆ℕ'𝕋 ℝ𝔼𝔸𝔻 𝕀𝔽 𝔼𝔸𝕊𝕀𝕃𝕐 𝔻𝕀𝕊𝕋𝕌ℝ𝔹𝔼𝔻 𝔹𝕐 𝕋ℍ𝔼𝕄𝔼𝕊 𝕎𝕀𝕋ℍ 𝕂𝕀𝔻𝕊 hi everyone, I am really struggling with something disturbing and I'm so afraid I'm a PDF. So my sis came to visit with my nephew for the first time. So the other day we were taking pics with the baby I was already feeling kinda nervous cuz I never held a baby before. Anyway it was my turn and I like I wonder if this would sexually stimulate him( not exactly the thought but the of thought was more graphic and I don't wanna disturb anyone). And I can't remember if I thought that while I was bumping him on my stomach (like how people bump babies on their hips) or before I started doing so. Anyways I can't really remember what my reaction to that thought was or if I started bumping him before or after I had that thought... So I tried not to think much of it but over time I started to spiral really bad and wonder why I thought that and why then I would bump him on my stomach after having that thought or during. I just feel so disgusted. Like was I curious about it? Did I disregard the thought because my brain thinks disturbing things? Ik right now away from that situation that ofc I have no sexual interest in my nephew at all. I played with him and helped changed diaper and everything and never had the urge to do anything inappropriate to him besides that one weird instance. So like I'm so disturbed like did that mean something? I have P OCD but that didn't really feel like an intrusive thought? I also can be very impulsive, and if it was impulsive does that mean I had a desire? Now I'm terrified of having kids even though I wanted some or to foster some. I mean I know but myself I'm not sexually attracted to kids but then why would I think that I am so disturbed really and feel so sick. 😞😞😞😞 I don't know what to do I'm so scared about what my motivation was I feel so bad and scared😞😞😞😞