Missing when I felt ok.

I miss when I wasn't ruminating 24/7, waking up with horrible anxiety or spending all day doing compulsions. Even when I try so hard to resist them I just end up in a spiral. I miss when I was comfortable in my nonbinary identity and didn't have TOCD and now everything feels wrong and conflicting. I miss when I wasn't depressed and disabled. I know I can never get that person back. I haven't seen that person since high school. Ive spent years with this disorder and i havent gotten better despite therapy and meds. I don't know if I'll ever be happy again.

httpet

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22w

Hey! You WILL get better! Sometimes it takes a bit longer for others and that’s ok! Just gotta persevere; are you in therapy with an ocd specialist?

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 22w

Yes, I've been in ERP therapy for 2 years now.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 22w

Hi. I'm right there with you. Just remember that you aren't by yourself with this. It's really annoying, difficult, exhausting, and endless, but you do have support. It's can this way for going on 5 years now. I can't believe 2020 was already that long and I remember the times I had before OCD hit. Before the repetitive thoughts started. Before the compulsions. Before all of it. I don't even know what it's like to live without the anxiety at this point. It's hard to really do anything because of it. I'm really sorry about all of this. I'm sorry that we have to keep going through this day after day.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 22w

I'm sorry too ♡ it's been so long. I hope life has been treating you well despite ocd. Everything seemed so much simpler before my ocd got really bad. It sucks because some people around me who have had ocd get over it so easily or say they ERP'd their way out of it and I've been doing ERP for years and still feel stuck. I don't have much motivation to fight anymore but having to live like this is just as miserable. I hope there's peace for us in the future.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 22w

@Northern_Downpour Life has been okay but I feel like I've just been stuck. Like I could be doing something with my time that would advance me in life in terms of experience, but I haven't because OCD and anxiety holds me back on these things. Like with college and finding jobs. OCD latches onto that big time and it makes me scared. I'm always anxious about what to do with everything. I haven't tried much ERP but I'm sorry to hear that it hasn't been working for you. You're seeing an OCD therapist, right? I hope when I'm over my major concerns, I can begin exposure therapy for myself.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 22w

@Northern_Downpour I hope there's peace as well. I just hope that we can get back to what life used to be before OCD even if it's not 100%. Just a glimpse of how things used to be.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 22w

@BigGyro09 I feel the exact same. I've been trying to find a more steady job, the one I currently has only pays by semester because it's a college job. but it's been hard for me to manage even a part time job. But my mom says applying for disability would only make it harder to find one. I'm too exhausted most days to function because of ocd. And that uncertainty of the future even makes it worse. Hopefully you can Begin ERP soon. You can try to do it on your own while you wait. There's guides online.

f7nn

Date posted: 24w

My current predicament

Struggling with TOCD has probably been the hardest theme I’ve had to deal with so far For reference. I’m a gay male 20yr old Before this theme I was so open with my gender expression, love drag and used to do it for a time. A lot of my friends are trans women and my whole life is queer When this theme hit. It’s like I completely lost who I was. Questioning everything I enjoyed, not participating in anything because it triggered me so heavily. I went through a whole gender journey awhile back and the trans path never spoke to me when I looked into it. I love my physique and my face but now when I look into the mirror i feel like a shell of who I was. I can’t find any sort of pure enjoyment without the accompanying “what if” or “you’re this” intrusive thought I still enjoy how I look. I’ve not looked in the mirror and felt like anything is missing from me or needs to be taken away I just feel like a spectator in my life while this disease tells me I’m not who I know myself to be I affirm myself every day I know who I am and it may change in the future but that’s not important. It’s highly unlikely it will but it may! Giving into the uncertainty has been so hard but it’s worth it! My ocd has really picked up since getting into my first serious relationship I care about my boyfriend with my whole heart but over the course of our relationship my themes have included Health Relationship Irreality Harm I just want to be who I was again before this current theme it feels unbearable to live like this BUT! I’m seeking appropriate treatment and not giving into a majority of compulsions I just wanted to write this to see if anyone can relate and if they do. Know that you will overcome this! I know I will and you will too

Anonymous

Date posted: 21w

Feel lost and without hope

I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.

ocdsurviver

Date posted: 17w

I’m tired

I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’ve lost so much weight due to this mental illness. I sleep 18 hours a day to escape these thoughts. I grieve my old self so much. I miss crushing on men, I miss loving men, I miss dressing up nice and get compliments from men, I miss listening to music and daydream about my dream man. I miss wanting to get married and have my own kids with my dream husband. All of those things… I’ve desired them so much and I’ve daydreamed about them so much. My OCD is telling me that it’s all fake. I miss my old desire and love for men. I’m so tired of being alive. I’m so tired of seeing multiple posts where people who apparently suffered from SOOCD became their fears. I’m so tired. Cause y’all probably didn’t even have ocd in the first place idc. I will say it again, has it been someone with pocd or harm ocd and their obsessions/fears became true NONE of y’all would’ve had the same reaction. Stop normalizing soocd obsessions becoming true. It is someone’s worst nightmare. People are out here attempting because of it.

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Missing when I felt ok.

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