OCD making me avoid dating

At this point of my life I barely have compulsions, barely let them control me, but recently I have realised my OCD is still keeping itself alive by holding me back and making me avoid stuff since I cut compulsions. So I don’t do compulsions but I avoid. And when it comes to SO OCD, I avoid dating. I am in the age where it’s the most common thing to do, I have friends who are getting married and I still haven’t seriously dated my entire life. If I date I date to marry. But it’s making it even harder. My brain tells me I can’t date to marry or date at all because no man will accept the possibility that I am bisexual or the fact I might have intrusive thoughts over sexuality. Worse than that, what’s actually holding me back is the fact that in one of our dates I know I’ll have to bring this up. And what if the man will start to get stressed over it? What if it’ll be too much for him and he’ll leave? And worse-tell the people that know both me and him all the personal things I told him about me having SO OCD? I can’t do this.. I don’t want to do this to myself I don’t want to let go of this secret to any man who can just leave me because of it at any point.. that’s what’s holding me back from dating.. and I want to be brave, I want to just go for it, I want to let it go but am too afraid I am just selling myself and my darkest secrets out there for men who can cancel me at any moment. I gave up on dating… it’s all too complicated for me and I have this voice in the back of my head telling me maybe I wasn’t born for it. Maybe I wasn’t born to get married or be in a relationship, maybe I am not good enough for all of this.. and then OCD adds its own stuff.. maybe I am gay and dating would be lying to myself and the men I date.. too much responsibility..

JPMcGillicuddy

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 16w

It’s hard but worth it! I’ve been in a relationship for nearly four years and it’s been a battle with my OCD (actually this relationship is what made me realize I have OCD.) You’re avoiding it because it’s something you deeply value and want, so don’t let OCD win. Go out there and marry the man of your dreams.

Argaman

Date posted: 16w

@JPMcGillicuddy Thank you, I really appreciate the comment. But my brain reads it and automatically goes like “what if…”.. what if I am actually gay? What if I am dating men because it’s all part of my self denial? What if I’ll be one of those married women with kids who got out of their closet and divorced their husbands to live with another woman? I don’t want this to be my story.. I can’t let this be my story. But what if it’s all true?

JPMcGillicuddy

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 16w

Yup. My brain does the exact same thing. Every day. “What if im gay? What if I don’t really love my girlfriend? What if I’m asexual? What if I’m trans? What if…” All the above is classic intrusive thought and rumination. Classic OCD. You have a thought “what if im gay?” Then your brain goes nuts with that idea and what it could all mean, ie rumination. To beat you gotta use response prevention. Are you doing ERP with a therapist?

Argaman

Date posted: 16w

@JPMcGillicuddy No.. I used to but not on this topic. I almost started but my therapist wasn’t really sticking up with it as much as I’d liked but unfortunately I was too scared to stick to it myself so I didn’t press on continuing with it.. the beginning of the ERP for it was her telling me to start dating just for fun, no commitment, just to see what it’s like…

JPMcGillicuddy

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 16w

Yeah idk if that counts as ERP. For me ERP is like watching an episode of Naked Attraction (look it up, it’s great for exposures, it is 18+ tho) and not avoid, not compulse and instead use a response prevention message. Essentially, I would see naked men and not look away and any time my brained tried to go down a “what if I am…” rabbit hole, I would repeat “I will allow these thoughts to pass through my consciousness” So it’s intentionally triggering me but I train my brain to not respond with OCD thoughts. It’s really hard but it’s ERP that really breaks the OCD cycle. My relationship with my gf has been amazing since I started and now those thoughts just float away.

Argaman

Date posted: 16w

@JPMcGillicuddy Thank you! I do avoid watching stuff like that though because I don’t believe it’s healthy for my mind and soul, and I know ERP is something that should be planned, but maybe I can do that when I accidentally watch something like that

O.Sisi.D

Date posted: 23w

My Relationship OCD Made Me Shut Down

I’ve never really dated before out of fear of being rejected or being emotionally abused. So this was the third date with the first guy I’ve dated in years. Last time he said he wanted to kiss me and that’s all that was on my mind. I was afraid of being bad or not liking it so we didn’t kiss and I felt terrible. I was telling myself that I should be thankful that someone is so patient with me and this is why I’m gonna die alone, because I’m so judgmental when it comes to dating….. and I couldn’t stop. I kept ruminating until I later on the couch, closed my eyes, and started giving myself grace. I had shut down for over 30 minutes. And now I’m scared of dating in general.

Gato0z

Date posted: 22w

Any advice?

I feel completely unlovable. I have a difficult time getting close to people because of my OCD and I have to force myself to not compulsively seek reassurance. I feel like I’ll never find my person. I’m worried I’ll be an awful wife because of my inability to do anything. I want to show up for my partner, but I feel stuck because of my OCD. I think it’s safer to just be alone.

marbo

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17w

Determining sexuality with SOOCD

Anyone who has had sexual orientation OCD since the “dating age” (middle school/high school)— how did you ever determine your sexuality? I don’t want reassurance because I understand our experiences may be different. I’m just curious— did you try boys and girls? Did you just find your person and know? I started having SOOCD at age 16 and I’m now 28. OCD has ruined my ability to date more than anything else. I feel like it stole my chance at love. I’ve had three long-term situationships with men. I adored them but they were also toxic because I think I subconsciously didn’t believe I deserved better. I felt that if I knew the relationship wouldn’t work because of fundamental differences, at least it was okay that I couldn’t fully be present in the relationship. Not sure if this makes sense, but I’m just grieving that part of my life I missed out on.

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OCD making me avoid dating

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