Thoughts about what comes after death taking over

@Anonymous I believe so too. I just keep being plagued by the “what if” thought. I’ve had this before. It usually lasts a few days (January 2024, September 2024) then I accept that I’ll just never know, and it fades far into the background… until something triggers it and it comes back a few months later. I’m just terrified that the feeling won’t go away this time if that makes sense. That I’ll be stuck in this miserable state of mind for the rest of my time here. It makes me feel better to know that someone else has experienced the same and was able to recover and find comfort in their belief again though. Right now, I try to go back to what I know I believe, and my brain is just like “what if you’re lying to yourself?” if that makes sense. If you don’t mind me asking, how long did it take you to start feeling any semblance of normalcy again? What did recovery look like for you?

@mariahlexie It sounds like you have the fear of fear, which is common and needs to be worked on. You would work on a new belief, like "even if I was stuck with this obsession the rest of my life, I could live a meaningful and good life. I'd be ok." I wouldn't try to go back to thinking what you believe. I'd just accept the uncertainty. Or you could say something like, "I think there is an afterlife, but I could be wrong. Who knows?". That type of thinking brings me hope. I hold on to what I believe, but I accept uncertainty at the same time. So my recovery was different than the typical treatment for it. I didn't know about ERP when I went through this specific obsession. So it took me hitting rock bottom and realizing I'd rather accept that there was nothing, than live in the horrible place I already was. I slowly just started accepting that I couldn't control whether there was something or not, and that I was going to continue living my values and the life I wanted here. Eventually the anxiety levels dropped and my brain was in a calmer state. I now believe there is something, but I also recognize that I could be wrong. And it's sad, but I'm not overcome with anxiety.

@Hudson225- Thank you for reaching out. Having people tell me they’ve been in similar situations and were able to overcome it enough to find joy in their lives again is pretty much the only thing keeping me going right now. If you don’t mind me asking, about how long did it take for you to get out of the loop? The worst of it, anyway?

@mariahlexie Of course! It’s been gradual, and often fluctuates. The first week was the hardest for sure. It’s been about a month since my initial panic attack, and I’d say I’m 80% back to normal, but still feel generally uncomfortable. Life is far more enjoyable than it was even just two weeks ago.

@Hudson225- I know this probably counts a reassurance-seeking but you genuinely don’t understand how much relief this just gave me. I can handle mild discomfort, I just feel like I’m going crazy thinking about it 24/7 Thank you for your response so much, genuinely. I’m tearing up at work, feeling hopeful knowing that healing is possible even if it’s gradual 😭❤️

@mariahlexie I think reassurance can be okay if you are feeling horrible, which it sounds like you have been :/ I’m so glad you feel a sense of hope - try to remember what it feels like. A month ago I was convinced my life was over, that I would forever be disconnected and consumed by these existential questions.

@mariahlexie And I 100% understand wondering if you are going crazy. The anxiety can convince you of anything

@Xavier225 Sorry to come back here, but I just have one more question if you don’t mind me asking. Do you have any tips for this process of recovery? As you said, I know there’s no thinking your way out of the anxiety. How did you get over the convincing yourself that you’ll never be your previous self again?

@mariahlexie I feel like I’m having such a hard time finding enjoyment in the things that once brought me so much joy. I almost feel like the fear of the fear never going away and me being this anxious forever, is worse than the fear itself if that makes any sense.

@mariahlexie Don’t apologize! Of course. What has been most helpful for me is unfortunately time. My medication has also been incredibly helpful - I take Luvox. Of course, ERP with a therapist has been helpful as well. Trying to tell myself to delay the thoughts has been incredibly helpful as well. Saying things like “I’m just not going to engage with this thought for another 60 seconds.” Seems like it isn’t effective at first, but then you catch yourself thinking about other stuff, and eventually the gaps between the intrusive thoughts and the delays becomes wider and wider

@mariahlexie I know, and I’m so sorry. It sucks now, but I was in the exact same headspace just a few weeks ago - and I was absolutely convinced I would feel that way forever

@mariahlexie That makes total sense. Just another way OCD is trying to stick around. Keep doing the things you enjoy, even though it may feel impossible

@Xavier225 You were really spot on with this timing. Approaching week 3 and finally starting to feel a lot better (even though the intrusive thoughts still come up quite a bit, they cause me significantly less distress than they did a few weeks ago.) Hoping that I keep going down the right path! Thank you so much for giving me hope 🩷

@mariahlexie So happy for you! Don’t be discouraged if you have some bad days still. Yesterday was really tough for me, but I’m feeling decent today! Have you had your first therapy session yet?

@Xavier225 Thank you for checking in you kind soul ❤️ Unfortunately I’m still pretty down in the dumps right now. I got in for an appointment with a therapist in two weeks, but I’m really hoping I don’t still feel this terrible by then 😞 I find myself coping slightly more with the anxiety, but now there’s the depression. I’m feeling so hopeless and still worried that I might never get back to myself.

@mariahlexie I feel like it’s all I think about day in and day out. I wish I could stop it but obviously the more I try to stop thinking about it the more intense the thoughts get

@mariahlexie Yep, I understand exactly how you feel. Worried that you will always be anxious and disconnected from the present moment. I’m so glad to hear you are coping a bit more with the anxiety; unfortunately, in my experience, once I began to feel less anxious I started to feel more depressed. It’s a messed up cycle. I’m sort of there with you now! I’m not as anxious as I have been, but I’m just uncomfortable enough (pretty much all the time) to feel hopeless. A part of me understands that feeling “normal” is absolutely attainable, but it can be hard to imagine when you are in the thick of it.

@mariahlexie Have your themes stayed relatively the same? Are you still ruminating over the same questions?

@Xavier225 Yup. It’s pretty much the same sh*t over and over 🥲 It’s like, brain, I don’t KNOW the answer to these questions! And I probably never will! I wish my brain would accept that and stop dwelling on it, but unfortunately that’s not how OCD (or most mental illnesses rooted in anxiety) works. I also have a couple new ones about family members but it’s still all within the same death obsession. I’m really hoping that therapy will be helpful in some way. Thankfully, any care received at this wellness center is fully covered by my current insurance so at least I won’t have to worry about money. If I decide to take the meds route, then that would be covered too.

@Xavier225 I’m so sorry to hear you’re still struggling, but I’m glad the anxiety is at least fading for you a bit. Hang in there! I fully understand what you’re going through. Honestly, I can’t decide whether the anxiety or the depression aspect of it is worse. At this point, I wish I could just pick a religion for my brain to fully believe in lol. Faithful religious people are so lucky in that regard. I’ve been trying to stay consistent with my values, spending time with family and friends in spite of how debilitating the intrusive thoughts are. It can be really difficult at times, but I find that when I’m engaged in some kind of activity it kind of reduces the amount of ruminating at least.

@mariahlexie Glad to hear you have therapy scheduled! I would also highly recommend medication. I currently take Luvox and it works wonders for the panic feeling that would typically accompany my intrusive thoughts. I still have the thoughts, however, the ceiling which my anxiety can reach feels significantly lower - if that makes sense.

@Xavier225 Though the medication did sort of make things worse for a very brief period of time. This doesn’t seem to be the case for most, though.

@mariahlexie I have also had the same exact thoughts. “Man, if I could just be 100% devoted and faithful to one religion, the anxiety would go away.” But I suppose there is a reason it is called “faith.” I doubt anyone is truly 100% secure in their understanding of reality and the afterlife.

@Xavier225 The panic feeling is the worst, so that sounds like it’d be really helpful. I really hope they’re able to prescribe me something to help, but I don’t know if they’d let me start medication without starting therapy first 🥲

@mariahlexie There are a few options to meet with a psychiatrist virtually! I’m sure you wouldn’t have any issues getting prescribed an SSRI. Are you feeling like you’re on the brink of panic all day?

@mariahlexie Sorry for the late response. I’ve got finals this week :/

@Xavier225 Aw, it’s no problem! Thank you for even checking in despite that!

@Xavier225 For the first week I definitely was, the past few days it’s been awful in the morning but more of a moderate annoyance through the afternoon and evening if that makes any sense. It’s like, later in the day the intrusive thoughts are still there but the classic “maybe, maybe not” has kinda actually started working. But the mornings are dreadful… the second I wake up, I try to go back to sleep unless someone else in the house is awake lol

@mariahlexie Mornings are also bad for me. It takes me a while to get out of bed. Sounds like you are making progress. I think you’re not too far away from beginning to feel like your normal self!

@mariahlexie You’ll sort of just notice one day that you feel better. Are you able to enjoy things more this week?

@Xavier225 Ugh, I’m sorry you’re struggling with the mornings, too. It’s definitely the worst. But other than that, this is great news! I can handle an occasional intrusive thoughts but every second of the day was absolutely exhausting. Now I find that I’ll have a thought and then a gap of a few minutes before I think of it again.

@Xavier225 Yes! Last week it was so bad. I would sleep as often as I could as a form of avoidance, but also because I was just so exhausted from ruminating all the time. Now, I’ll still get the intrusive thoughts, but I feel notably less miserable going out and doing things!

@mariahlexie Hey! How are you feeling lately?

@Xavier225 Hey! Thanks for reaching out again :) I would say I’m doing significantly better than I was when I first spiraled a month ago, and in my personal experience, you were pretty spot-on in regards to time frame (I started feeling better after about three weeks!) I do still get the intrusive thoughts occasionally throughout the day, but I don’t dwell on them for anywhere near as long. My brain has kind of started to realize that these questions, while they do bring about anxiety and discomfort, are unanswerable and ultimately don’t matter. Instead of trying to “get rid” of the anxiety, I’m “learning to dance with it”, as my therapist worded it. Speaking of which, therapy seems to be going quite well so far! How have you been?

@mariahlexie Sounds like you are making great progress! Are you seeing a therapist that specializes in OCD recovery? I’m doing alright. I had to put down one of my beloved ferrets earlier this week which I think spiked some of my symptoms.

@Xavier225 Oh no! I’m so sorry to hear about your ferret. Losing a pet is always so devastating. I’ve been there before and it’s such a painful experience. Now that my dog is getting older, I worry about losing her a lot recently as well. I hope you start finding some kind of relief soon! I’m currently seeing a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders, including OCD. It’s working for us right now, but she did let me know when we started our sessions that if she feels that I’m not making suitable progress, she would refer me to someone who might be able to be of more help to me. These past few days, some of the symptoms seem to be “spiking” a bit again as well. I have quite a few external stressors on my plate right now, ranging from my job to family matters, so I think that might be the source. I’m trying to push through it so I don’t spiral again—thankfully, right now it feels like more of an annoyance than debilitating anxiety, but it is still a bit uncomfortable. If you don’t mind me asking, what do you find helps for you when your symptoms spike?

@mariahlexie Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope your dog has many years left! It can be quite demoralizing to have symptoms spike after a period of feeling good. I think I just try to take note of the progress I have experienced - recognizing that I’m anxious, that it’s okay to feel this way, and to really focus on how far I’ve come since the initial panic attack. Tell yourself that it really doesn’t matter if you spiral again; youll be okay regardless. Breathing exercises have also been really helpful!

@mariahlexie The main thing is to just be patient with yourself. Your life isn’t over (though I understand how convincing these thoughts can be) because you’re having an anxious day. The anxiety will subside, and you will feel better. It’s cliche but it’s true - progress isn’t linear

@Xavier225 Hey! How are you doing?

@mariahlexie Better lately! Been having some relationship anxiety. I think maybe my main theme has changed. How have you been?

@Xavier225 I’m glad to hear you’re doing better! So sorry about the relationship anxiety though :( I’ve been dealing with quite a bit of that, too. I’ve been NC with my dad and a friend (for separate arguments) for over a month. It’s been hellish so I can definitely understand what you’re going through.

@mariahlexie Sorry to hear about your dad and your friend - I hope everything is resolved if that is what you want. Sounds like maybe we are both recovering quite well from the existential OCD stuff. Have you had any struggles with it lately??

@mariahlexie Thanks again for keeping in touch!!