1meow$$$A

Date posted: 23d ago

Solo ERP for POCD

I am doing ERP by my own because I can’t afford therapy. I exposed myself to babies photos online, changing diapers videos, baby genitalia . All was done with google . I honestly feel like I am predator by viewing these photos even though they are just babies. I seen also a picture on research article of a female patient she is a minor and they have done sexual abuse check on her . The image was so triggering, it was literally a vagina. ℹ developed lots if obsessions with increased groinal responses. And now I fear that I enjoyed all what I have seen.

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 23d ago

Thank you for sharing what you're going through; attempting ERP by yourself is incredibly difficult, and the fears and obsessions you're describing sound exhausting and deeply upsetting. It's common within OCD to experience intrusive thoughts, distressing physical sensations, and subsequent fears about what they might mean. These do not reflect your true character. Help is here at NOCD and we can assist you in finding outside help if needed too. Also here are some helpful resources: https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/common-fears/why-ocd-can-cause-a-groinal-response-and-what-you-can-do-about-it https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/common-fears/what-if-im-sexually-stimulated-by-breastfeeding-my-child-postpartum-ocd https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/common-fears/tingling-sensation-in-groin-around-newborn-postpartum-ocd

1meow$$$A

Date posted: 23d ago

@Stephanie Rathje I regret doing it because now I have severe groinal responses and I locked my room fearing I am gonna be a predator. What really triggered me is a picture on google images that represents a rape case of a minor. It was an article on ResearchGate I clicked on the intention of finding baby genitalia to do ERP turns out its a teenager genitalia and when I read the text I panicked and had instant groinal response with arousal but my arousal was in my head like I didn’t enjoy it because its couples with severe anxiety and now I feel terrible. Aside from OCD I have PTSD from CP I saw on twitter by accident and now I feel irritated

davisgi24

Date posted: 23d ago

Doing ERP on your own is generally not a good idea. Without understanding the “response prevention” part, you’re essentially just triggering yourself.

1meow$$$A

Date posted: 23d ago

@davisgi24 Im literally helpless, I have no money to afford it online and therapists here do not have the ability to do ERP for my themes, I feel irritated and afraid of the future. I am so lonely 😭 in my late twenties.

davisgi24

Date posted: 23d ago

@1meow$$$A I understand, I really really do. I have POCD also. The idea of ERP is to exposure yourself to something that triggers you, and then learn to sit with the uncertainty that your brain responds with. So when you’re triggered and your brain is saying “what if I’m attracted to minors?”, the idea is to teach your brain to respond neutrally to that question. Response prevention messages are phrases you use to reply to your OCD brain when it asks those questions. Things like “maybe, but maybe not.” or “no amount of rumination on this is going to make me certain, so I may as well not ruin my own day by obsessing about it!” These teach your brain to respond to these thoughts like it would any other mundane thought. If you absolutely insist on doing exposures by yourself, it is SO important to start really, really small. Instead of doing something big like googling photos, try something like looking at clothes in the children’s section of a store, or reading a children’s book. It reminds you of a trigger, and causes a little bit of distress, but it doesn’t take you right to ten and cause further trauma.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 23d ago

I applaud you for trying to take the initiative to get better, however, this seems to be compulsive rather that ERP. I say that because I kinda did the same thing. I thought it was exposure, turns out it *can* be but it’s more likely to be compulsive in outside of a controlled environment (like a therapy session). I googled medical images of genitalia, did my best to remain neutral and let the thoughts come and go, ended up being a compulsion and a huge trigger. I spiraled hard and harder because I also felt like a predator for viewing those images. OCD can twist things so, SO easily. That’s why ERP should be guided by a professional. Exposure therapy, if you’re not careful can make you worse rather than better. It’s what happened with me, and it seems to be happening with you. It’ll be okay, the ERP I would recommend on your own is sitting with the thoughts, not talking back to your OCD unless it’s with sarcasm or even cussing at it. Acknowledging but not engaging. Anything more can easily backfire. Hell, even non-engagement can backfire. ERP with a trained therapist can backfire. OCD is so **sneaky**. You’re not alone, and you’re not whatever your OCD is telling you. I would stop exposing yourself like this and start just sitting with the discomfort until you can afford some guidance and care. ERP is hard, baby steps and supervision is really a need (not because we’re monsters (we’re not) but because of how heavy of a load it is to carry, how sensitive our brains are, and how easy it is to have it backfire).

1meow$$$A

Date posted: 23d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 Please I beg you , I am so alone in this journey.. I attempted suicide twice and I sadly live in an arab country that doesn’t even acknowledge OCD yet as a mental illness. They either relate to superstition or say its just a phase. I would tie myself before I sleep fearing I will act out and rape my family , I have avoided my elder sis which I miss so much because she has nieces, I lost a job and now I am on the verge of losing this one too.. I fear that all my sexual obsessions represent me and I am just lying to myself because I fear the law or culture. I am in my late twenties and feel like a fragile child. Please if you have any tips about ERP , recovery .. anything I will always be grateful.

1meow$$$A

Date posted: 22d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 Hello sis may I reach out to you?

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 22d ago

@1meow$$$A I’ll reply soon, when I get the chance to gather my thoughts. You’re not alone, I can promise you that

Lollipop3737

Date posted: 22d ago

You are gonna be okay. You’re a good person. You are worrying if u enjoy these thoughts, a pedophile doesn’t care. They are proud to be what they are.

1meow$$$A

Date posted: 22d ago

@Lollipop3737 What if I am a pedo but in denial or a non offending pedo, my groins would twitch and move and sometimes erect but I have this huge fear and racing heart.

daisher23

Date posted: 23d ago

I think that there are core fears that should be tackled with pocd, for example fear of hurting others, offending/violating people. You also have to work on the perspective shifts, doing a bunch of exposures won’t help if the narratives you are telling yourself involve you thinking you are the worst person for having intrusive thoughts. You got this! I recommend checking out ocd recovery on YouTube, specifically Sam’s videos on pocd and how he recovered from ocd!!

HOY

Date posted: 23d ago

Yeah I dont recommend doing this, better done with therapist, even imagine doing this scares me so no its only going to trigger you

1meow$$$A

Date posted: 23d ago

@HOY I did it because I suffered enough and wanted to expose myself to my fears in a moral way 🥹 but I am an unlucky person! Even google images is not monitored, I seen an abuse picture now I am on the verge of relapse

HOY

Date posted: 23d ago

@1meow$$$A Yeah I absolutely understand you. I tried doing the same thing but it backfired cause I would end up doubting myself even more. Especially since google has messed up stuff underneath it, so we have to be careful about that

1meow$$$A

Date posted: 23d ago

@HOY Can you share practical ERP exercises that I can do without harming myself more

HOY

Date posted: 23d ago

@1meow$$$A I don't know cause I haven't been taught ERP yet, thats I why I attempted it on my own even though I shouldnt have, so I'm waiting as of now

1meow$$$A

Date posted: 23d ago

@HOY I wish you well brother , I have never thought I would have to witness this in my life. I never enjoyed my twenties because of this.

HOY

Date posted: 23d ago

@1meow$$$A you and me both bro, turned 20 months ago and its already been hell 😪✊️

Hopefuledward46

Date posted: 23d ago

Unfortunately we can’t all afford therapy. 🥲 But I definitely wouldn’t be doing this type of stuff. It’s not helping you.

Nica

Date posted: 23d ago

Look into Nathan Peterson’s online OCD course. It is not advised to do this on your own.

Honeyshark

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23d ago

It sounds like you did the exposure but the response didn’t change so you reinforced your OCD/fear. Nathan Peterson’s OCD course is cheaper than therapy and works really well for me (but I also did it alongside therapy or in between therapy). Maybe worth checking out?

Wessers19

Date posted: 17w ago

Could being exposed to content as a kid affected me in this way?

Trying not to seek reassurance, but rather connect the dots on my OCD and possible reasons as to why I am the way I am. I have severe OCD (or at least I hope I do) mainly surrounding POCD. I've had symptoms of OCD the majority of my life but this theme has come up more recently. When I was a kid, and i'm talking 6-7, I was first exposed to some really gross adult content online. It was introduced to me by a friend of mine around the same age of me. I saw some really disgusting things that a 6-7 year old should definitely not see. This was not a one time occurrence, as I had been exposed to taboo topics online years to come after that, such as the same friend introducing me to Omegle... And i'm sure you can imagine how that went, theres a lot of genuinely disgusting human beings on there. Coming back to the reason for making this post; is it possible to early exposure to this content could be one of the reasons I struggle with POCD? It genuinely scares me to death because you hear that real p*dos dealt with simular situations when they were kids, so thats kind of making me feel that this could be more than OCD, and I could be a genuinely bad person. My POCD feels so real, that at times i'm fully convinced its not OCD. Sometimes I can't even distinguish the feelings of attraction between a younger person and an older person, except for the feeling of anxiety and fear. Its really hard to explain without going into detail, but it just feels so real. Some feedback on this would be great, thank you all.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 14w ago

Real Event OCD is a different breed (18+)

Being exposed to taboo p*rn as young as first grade ruined my life and now ocd is making me pay for it. I have so much guilt for being a child/teen and looking at taboo stuff, and it was all fictional or anime or whatever but it was still so so gross. and I didn't realize It because I had been used to it at so young 🫠 I think what haunts me most is when I was a kid/young teen (like 12-14ish) and didn't have access to p*rn I'd imagine stuff similar to what I'd seen in the art. I can't even believe I'd imagine scenarios involving kid characters or whatever because it had been so normalized to me and I assumed it was normal since it was fiction. I'm 23 now so it's been a decade since I've done anything like that and I've never had the urge to since but still. I've NEVER been attracted to kids or had any urges or anything ever, even when I was addicted. The thought makes me want to vomit, I'd rather die than associate anything sexual with kids/minors and I think people who groom or assault kids are vile. But I still feel like the fact that I imagined stuff similar to the things I read sometimes when I was young is proof I'm a p*do. I don't think people would believe me if I said I'm not. I just feel like I don't deserve to live or that if I do, I'm living a lie. I know 'I was a kid too' but even when I was 13/14 I read/imagined stuff with characters younger than me because I thought it was normal. I'm so disgusted. I've had this theme for so long I'm starting to wonder if ocd is right. I feel too ashamed to tell my therapist.

HOY

Date posted: 7w ago

False arousal and uncertainty

Just gonna vent, this never happened to me before during my 20 years alive. Whether it is POCD or not, I have truly lost my sense of self and my innocence. Why of all things did this have to happen. Ive been experiencing more strong groinal responses and mixed feelings of arousal regarding specific thoughts. Its so odd, cause last month none of this happened, it was mainly just anxiety and mental breakdowns. Never did I think I would experience physical sensations as well. Acting on compulsions as well left me feeling absolute confusion, Ive stopped doing that but now I get the urge here and there, and Ive learned to sit with the discomfort. All this leaves me with more questions on whether I will truly get through this or not, or if people will understand my situation. On certain days I feel fine, on other days its sheer terror. I blame myself mainly for this all, It is scary as these images, causing both arousal and terror, only result in me feeling like a shell of my former self

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