How do I get past this last bump with my OCD?

I struggle with HOCD or SOOCD. I’m a married young woman to an amazing husband. I’ve had this since I was 16 but it only came in flair ups. However this round started in October, and it’s been really rough and I would just break down all the time. I went up on my medication and I actually noticed a difference! My thoughts were still very present but I wasn’t really paying attention to them or giving them power. HOWEVER right when I thought I was getting better, my brain started feeling and saying to myself that I just know I am bi but you want to make excuses for it like “oh it’s normal to find someone hot since we as a society have an interpretation of what that looks like” or “I see the girl as myself and that’s what ‘turns’ me on” or “well I mean that girl looks kind of like a man” and it’s it’s making me spiral. I won’t ever come out as Bi as deep in my soul I don’t feel I am. I have always wanted to be with men sexually and romantically and that has not changed but my brain is making me believe I am and I just don’t want to admit it. Please help me, what has helped you?

Anonymous

Date posted: 28d ago

Hey, congratulations about your husband. I’m happy to hear that you’re happy it sounds like you’ve been dealing with this a lot and I think maybe I shouldn’t give you advice because I actually just went to my first session today, but I have an anecdote that I think might help you. Earlier today, I felt really distraught. I won’t specify, but I really felt like my obsessions were completely hardwired into my mind, and that I could never fix it. I booked my first session in a state of extreme stress. Then, when I was talking, I was asked when I had first gotten OCD. I thought back, and suddenly remembered certain obsessions I had when I was 14. They seemed so distant now. I used to be afraid that I would do something crazy or embarrassing in public for no reason. It’s distant now, but I did used to be afraid of it. I used to obsess over it and remembering that made me realize that I shouldn’t think like I was earlier. It’s really possible to get over things. In your case, it sounds like you’ve made a lot of progress on your problems. Think back to all the doubts you’ve overcome, and let yourself be reassured that you know what this is, and you know you can overcome it.

Animallover065

Date posted: 28d ago

@Anonymous I do need to remind myself that I have gotten through this before and I will again. I’m like almost there but I still feel like it’s just hanging on with everything it has

Anxiousaddie

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 28d ago

I’ve also had so-ocd/HOCD since about 15. Which to me scares me and makes me feel like it’s true and I just didn’t want it to be. And then today I did an exposure of watching a video over and over of a girl and it felt like I was genuinely attracted and I had all these memories of the same feeling and it felt like I was realizing it and then I just felt so distressed.

Animallover065

Date posted: 28d ago

@Anxiousaddie That’s what’s so frustrating, like it feels so real sometimes. And I try to tell myself I don’t care but I do….. it bothers me so bad

Anxiousaddie

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 28d ago

@Animallover065 Right? Like everytime I’m like ya know this is fake, it’s not me. I’ll get a memory, or a thought or see a pretty girl and I’ll be totally convinced it’s real

Honeyshark

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 28d ago

Unfortunately the only way through it is by changing your responses to those intrusive thoughts. So if it’s saying you should come out as bi “oh yeah great idea, maybe I’ll do a big party and have glitter elephants there” “maybe I am bi, maybe I’m not, I don’t need to figure that out right now” “I’m enough. I’m worthy of love”. I was right there in your shoes and it does get better with ERP. I believe in you!

Elliesmith

Date posted: 16w ago

Is this a symptom of soocd

I’m 25 and never ever thought this before my soocd relapse. I have a bf of 5 years. Never been a high libido kinda girl. Don’t get me wrong I do get turned on by my bf but not like every day you know? - That had always been in the back of my head, is this normal and ok? But my ocd has latched onto the most scariest what if EVER. My brain is now saying How do you know you won’t prefer to sleep and kiss girls if you haven’t tried it: and it’s that unknown that is scaring the shit out of me. I DONT AND NEVER HAVE wanted to sleep / kiss a girl. But now my intrusive thoughts is all I think about!!! I don’t want I don’t want I don’t want??? So why does my brain think BUT WHAT IF??? I know ocd thrives off uncertainty which is why I think this is happening? But I don’t wanna find out or work it out because all I want is to be with my bf and marry him!! Is this just the epitome of OCD?

Mt2019

Date posted: 14w ago

Question about HOCD

Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please

geodrimilis

Date posted: 8w ago

I need this to end.

I’ve completely lost myself. I can’t focus on my studies, I can’t go to the gym. Dang it I can’t even be around my male friends normally anymore. I got no idea why or how this happened but the only thing I know for sure is that I never questioned my sexuality neither doubted it. I never cared in general. I just liked girls. I keep testing and keep testing and keep testing my arousal but no matter how many times I see but I don’t feel the same way for guys that I do with girls my mind will always try to make me believe that I am gay. It’s like it’s forcing me into an identity I never asked for. But at the end of the day like my psychologist told me. Sexuality doesn’t change. So since I never felt anything for guys in my life it’s ocd. I’ve been up and down for 5 months now and while the last week I was feeling way better. Monday now and I’m back to zero. I just want to go back when everything was normal. I can’t keep living with this.

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How do I get past this last bump with my OCD?

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