Uncertainty sucks.

I’m trying to live with uncertainty but it doesn’t feel right. The “I may or may not be bi/gay” really sucks because I can’t stop ruminating, analyzing, or checking. This especially sucks because I feel like literally EVERYTHING in my life leads to the fact that I’m a fraud which feels horrible. I can’t even talk to my friends the way I used to without feeling like I’m lying about myself. The false attraction and loss of attraction to men is literally horrible because now I feel like the life i fantasized for myself isn’t something I want.

kitchensink234

Date posted: 14w

I am on the completely same page as you. This is EXACTLY how I feel. Can you talk about your false attraction more? Because right now I feel like im actually attracted to women (not even in real life just in my head im like wait u like the way girls look) but I get MAJOR anxiety about it. I’m so confused. But I think that’s just the false attraction? I don’t even know.

kitchensink234

Date posted: 14w

I can’t even look at pictures and videos of myself from a year or two ago because im like look you were gay there you are such a fraud you knew this all along come on.

anonymous00981

Date posted: 14w

@kitchensink234 When the spiral first started I would get major anxiety from just looking at someone, thinking that meant I was attracted to them. It’s switched from people who are maybe masc lesbian to straight if that makes sense. In my head it’s worse than irl. Sometimes I’m able to catch it because I’m like “actually I don’t think they’re attractive at all…” but other times, especially in my thoughts and dreams, it feels VERY real.

kitchensink234

Date posted: 14w

@anonymous00981 Me too!!!!! I catch it because I’m like ok dumbass that person isn’t even at all attractive, but yes in my dreams and thoughts it’s so so real. It’s terrifying! It doesn’t make sense because I can’t tell if I actually want it. Because it feels like I do, but in my heart I don’t think I do!! It’s so confusing.

anonymous00981

Date posted: 14w

@kitchensink234 Yeah, me too! The mind games are horrible and before my spiral I didn’t think like this but then I’m worried I was suppressing it. It’s a constant loop

kitchensink234

Date posted: 14w

@anonymous00981 Me too. Before I had the thoughts but they didn’t scare me. Which scares me more because I was like oh my god did I want them then? Now I just have zero idea. I just keep going back to the fact that all of this is sexual and not emotional, but then I get scared that I suppressed emotional feelings? I don’t know. It all feels so real, and I don’t know what to believe anymore. Especially because my attraction to men feels non existent right now

kitchensink234

Date posted: 14w

@anonymous00981 This is a super weird question and you don’t have to answer it, but what do you think of porn? I feel like that fucked me up so much. Because I did enjoy girl on girl, or at least my body reacted to it. So that is terrifying and so confusing. I still don’t know if I actually enjoyed it or what. Ughhh

anonymous00981

Date posted: 14w

@kitchensink234 I’ve never watched it before so I have no idea about that. I definitely feel like a fraud but I have no interest in a romantic, emotional, or sexual relationship with women. I’m hoping my fantasies and desire for men come back because I’m having a hard time with going back to my fantasies and feeling like that doesn’t fit

kitchensink234

Date posted: 14w

@anonymous00981 I would advise staying away from it 🤣 I think that’s what made me go into the spiral in the first place. It just makes you more confused. I agree, I hope with time and practice it will!

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

What the HECK?

what the hell? this entire day ive been trying to do ERP right? allowing the thoughts feelings, sensations be there with very little reaction, saying"oh that's a thought", "that's a feeling" don't care" etc. But it seems to be making it 100x times worse. Like its impossible to just"ignore" it, it feels so freaking real as if this was the truth, the doubts are real, the false attraction feelings and lip sensations are REAL and genuine attraction, feels ego-synotic, its impossible just to ignore or move on from it because I think I'm so hyperfocused on it all so it last the whole day. IDK right now it feels and seems as if I lost? like its not a what if but it feels factual like"I'm naturally gay, I'm gay" and it feels like normal and become ok with that. But I don't want that I don't want to be gay.

geodrimilis

Date posted: 19w

I need this to end.

I’ve completely lost myself. I can’t focus on my studies, I can’t go to the gym. Dang it I can’t even be around my male friends normally anymore. I got no idea why or how this happened but the only thing I know for sure is that I never questioned my sexuality neither doubted it. I never cared in general. I just liked girls. I keep testing and keep testing and keep testing my arousal but no matter how many times I see but I don’t feel the same way for guys that I do with girls my mind will always try to make me believe that I am gay. It’s like it’s forcing me into an identity I never asked for. But at the end of the day like my psychologist told me. Sexuality doesn’t change. So since I never felt anything for guys in my life it’s ocd. I’ve been up and down for 5 months now and while the last week I was feeling way better. Monday now and I’m back to zero. I just want to go back when everything was normal. I can’t keep living with this.

Sexual Orientation OCD

What is happ...

Date posted: 16w

Questions… I don’t want reassurance just advice

I’ve tried accepting the uncertainty, I’ve accepted I may be gay, bi or still straight. I’ve tried doing ERP myself to the best I can. When I accept that I’m gay or bi why doesn’t my head agree and move on? Why does it still question it? I know I don’t want to be at all. I love my family. But I just want this to move on. I want to enjoy life. Why can’t I find women attractive again? (Brief moments I do). I seriously don’t understand the false attraction? I’ve tried agreeing with it but it won’t let this drop. Why am I attracted to the same sex? Why am I attracted to people I would never thought of looking at? Why does it give me such grief about this? I know I shouldn’t look at adult content but why can I only feel good watching either lesbian or females? I tried to agree with the gay but it makes me sick and horrendous I even considered this? I just want my life back.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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Uncertainty sucks.

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