leum

Date posted: 3d ago

struggling/rant

I want to get thought this weird horrible period, it has been horrible. I am doubting everything. I’m not diagnosed but when I look at my past I’ve always been horribly anxious and worrying about health, death and basically everything while suffering from major a lot of insecurities stemming from bullying and lately a lack of intimacy with my partner, Every time I think I’m on the way out, or see some light at the end of the tunnel my mind always pulls me back in. It’s torture. I’ve always been insecure about how I look and I find myself comparing myself at other males and it’s made my self esteem on the floor. I have a girlfriend and prior to this we had a future planned and talked about kids (we’re still young, but it felt so real), this all began to bubble when we stopped being intimate and the loss of my job. I don’t know anymore how to move on, every day feels like a chore. The intrusive thoughts telling me I’m in denial, constantly thinking about men I’ve felt insecure about their looks compared to mine wishing I looked like them plaguing my mind. The false attractions, prior to this i was comfortable in acknowledging good looking men. However now my mind takes this as evidence, every single thing in my past seems like some form of evidence. Not having male friends, the comparisons, being questioned about my sexuality from siblings. I’m sorry if this is reassurance, I am just needing to get some things of my chest. Every time I think about my first real attraction or girls I found pretty/attractive or I liked my mind is like your in denial and then I feel horrible about thinking those thoughts as I have my girlfriend. I miss just being with my girlfriend and not having these thoughts and feeling horrible. I feel like a fraud and a horrible partner. I’ve tried to accept maybe, maybe not, but something always comes back. These 4 months have been terrible. I want to sleep without horrible dreams, I want to eat. I want to feel like myself again. Thank you to anyone who reads this. Hope you’re strong too.

NotThatHardcore

Date posted: 3d ago

I notice you're saying "something always comes back" as if you're trying to get rid of it. Stop trying! Do everything you'd want to do if your OCD were gone even when your OCD is still here. It doesn't have to stop you. And definitely eat something! When my OCD was really bad I struggled a lot with not eating enough, and that made everything a lot worse.

leum

Date posted: 3d ago

@NotThatHardcore thank you, I’m really trying . But maybe trying is my problem , and just letting things be. Thank you

Catsarecool072

Date posted: 3d ago

I gotta say, this app feels like a life saver. I felt so alone and now I feel like I can not only help encourage and support others but remind myself and ground myself in the reality of ocd and all it brings. I’m learning that I masked for a long time and young adulthood triggered the beginning of an episode. Y’all are amazing! Stay strong

leum

Date posted: 3d ago

@Catsarecool072 Thanks @catsarecool072. It really helps having a community I can open up to here. Thank you for your words, I really appreciate it.

unkindledhis...

Date posted: 2d ago

Yo bro! I’m literally in the same situation as you. I’m also with my gf (I’m a straight dude btw. As I was righting this my ocd shit suggested otherwise) anyway, its been also very difficult for me especially that we have plans and such. It’ll be difficult and but you’re not alone. Continue loving your gf and live the life you want. You can do it!

leum

Date posted: 2d ago

@unkindledhishiron Thanks mate you too, this is such a weird thing to go though but helps people are in a similar boat. Stay strong

Justmesadly

Date posted: 2d ago

I am a girl but I have struggle with the same thing. About 5 years ago I had a really bad flair up , of all themes. So-ocd then really went away for the most part. And now for the past 2-3 weeks it’s been hell. Similar situation we are seriously discussing marriage and babies and it’s really really triggered me. Similar to what you said feeling like a fraud, not feeling like myself. Over analyzing if thinking someone’s pretty means I’m a lesbian. It’s such a terrible feeling , feeling like you don’t know who you are anymore. At nearly 30!

leum

Date posted: 2d ago

@Justmesadly I know, I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s not a nice feeling constantly analysing everything.Stay strong

Justmesadly

Date posted: 2d ago

@leum Thank you, you as well! We got this

Catsarecool072

Date posted: 3d ago

I hope this helps as well, but it’s very human and normal to be attracted to people. There’s also 2 different types of attraction: physical and romantic and there involves a diverse spectrum. One can be attracted to everyone sexually/physically and only romantically interested in women. Or you can be both romantically and physically attracted to women. It also can be okay that only sometimes you are attracted to men and women sexually. It’s a beautiful and normal spectrum. I (for example) in college began to accept that I find women sexually attractive but I only am romantically interested in dating men. You just figure it out as you go and it doesn’t mean you love your partner any less. In fact, my partner is almost entirely romantically attracted to people. He finds attraction in emotional connection and is sexually open to anyone. You are not alone and seem to love your partner. There’s nothing to feel guilty about.

kitchensink234

Date posted: 2d ago

@Catsarecool072 I feel like I might be in a similar boat. I have never had interest in dating or being romantically involved with women, but have felt more of a sexual pull towards women (truly only online… I haven’t thought about this in person, that’s what makes things more confusing). I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend of a year, but how am I supposed to love him so much if I have sexual thoughts about women (which I still can’t figure out if they are genuine or my OCD) ?? I just want to love him so badly

Catsarecool072

Date posted: 2d ago

@kitchensink234 I think many of us can relate to that feeling. I’m sure a therapist can give some more practical advice and solutions. I do think though that sexual thoughts persist whether we are in relationships or not and they don’t need to be a big deal.

leum

Date posted: 3d ago

i don’t mean anything against the LGBTQ+ community, I just loved my simple little life, with my girlfriend.

tlousluvr

Date posted: 22w ago

advice 🧸

hi. so one big factor of my OCD is rumination. i met a guy who i have a crush on the idea of (idea bc there are red flags). my biggest fear is not finding true love, my ex told me no one else would deal with what i have (my ocd, specifically reassurance seeking and getting overstimulated after intimacy). a few weeks ago, my friends and family all gathered and tried to give me advice that sounded like “you’re shy and you’ll never find someone.” after that, i’ve felt off. i’ve been using an unhealthy coping skill, daydreaming, and i’ve just felt unbalanced. my ocd makes everything feel different sometimes, i can’t explain it. life, myself, almost like being in a dissociated state. has anyone else experienced that? i don’t know how to remain balanced during my off times and i know pms exasperates it all. i take ashwaghanda and omega 3s in a multi vitamin daily. i take them all together in the evening but i’ve missed three days recently and also messed with my rocky sleep schedule because of fun times with friends. i hope these supplements work, because i don’t know if i’d be brave enough for medication. i had a bad reaction on prozac and often am forgetful. i just have been battling my OCD consciously for almost ten years now and unconsciously for longer. i am so tired, as my mental health extends beyond my OCD. i’m in talk therapy with some cbt aspects but i only see her twice a month. i’ve broken down so many times and promised myself id get on track or that certain things would work, but it’s like i am stuck in a circle that gets smaller when i’m able to help myself. i just want to be normal. i want to be able to mess up my sleep schedule to enjoy good times and not suffer horrible consequences or fear that i will be entirely thrown off balance. i don’t want to worry or doubt or feel so dissociative that i squint my eyes for a moment and wonder why i feel so unreal. i will never understand why god has allowed me to go through this. i cannot let it be for nothing but i don’t know how much more to bend and contort my body and brain to get somewhere stable but how lovely it would be if i could. i don’t have much of a schedule right now, i get apathetic and give in with things from time to time. one thing can trigger me and i am back to square one wether in a week or month. any advice, any and all is so helpful. your stories, your thoughts. maybe feeling less alone and knowing what has helped you is exactly what i need right now. thank you 💗

Ellie.

Date posted: 17w ago

I’m begging ANYONE help I can’t take it anymore!!

I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever I’m down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illness…. I hate to say it but I hate living right now it’s too painful… im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now i’m 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think I’m gay and didn’t realize or indenial and listen I get it “don’t look for reassurance!” “It’s not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!” Here’s the thing with that if I’m in a relationship and I’m gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that “oh yeah that stuff happens and you’ll move on” is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didn’t realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it can’t google says otherwise and some people have said it can’t idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I can’t take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why can’t I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the body’s and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still don’t get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because I’m with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain I’m (demi sexual so I don’t even really care about looks) and I truly didn’t care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I don’t like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldn’t be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didn’t even care about labels before my ocd it just didn’t matter but now it’s effected my sex life and it’s hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused I’m so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner I’m with right now!!! I’m so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that I’m gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out it’s been true all along?!???

Relationship OCD

violettag6

Date posted: 15w ago

Not doing great

TW I’m feeling really bad about myself today. I feel like a fraud and a liar. I’ve been unable to enjoy my time with my girlfriend because I’m bombarded with my thoughts. I’ve been asking for reassurance from so many people and nothing is helping. Nothing makes me feel better anymore and I’m worried that this is just how it’s going to be for forever. I miss when I could just be happy and not overthink so much. I miss being able to get through my days without this crippling anxiety. I’m worried there’s going to be a day where I realize I have no fight left in me

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