Rereading Old Texts between Ex

Do yall ever reread old texts from a toxic ex and try and “solve” stuff constantly? We ended things 4 months ago and every day I go through old texts trying to prove I wasn’t the bad one, make SURE she was toxic, “solve” a random toxic moment I remember and make sure I have ALL the details remembered accurately and that I’m not misremembering it. It’s like im still living in the relationship. It’s draining and will not stop. Is this an OCD thing? How is it fixed?

chaitea

Date posted: 12w

I ruminate over past interactions and try to “solve” the potential mistakes by repeating fantasy scenarios of what I’ll do/say next time the interaction occurs to resolve any uncertainties about whether or how I might have come across as “bad” in some way: insensitive, annoying, unprepared, stupid, etc. The rumination makes me feel momentarily certain that I am not those things because I’m “proving” it to myself (and those in my fictional scenarios), but giving into the compulsion only amplifies the anxiety and feeds into more of the cycle in the long-run. Ultimately, you have to stop the compulsion to look for that certainty/purity or to ruminate. Instead, you should sit with the discomfort of anxiety + the ambiguity of life. So what if you did make a mistake? So what if you were toxic in a moment— or from her perspective? In either case, all of this is very human. Life is full of ambiguities and shifting perspectives in which we don’t get certainty because the thing is ultimately either subjective or beyond our control. We have to let it go and refuse the compulsion.

Cmholley559

Date posted: 12w

@chaitea Very true! I think it’s a little different though because sometimes I’m not trying to prove anything. Most of the time I don’t even know what I’m trying to “solve”. It’s like I’m going through every text and photo trying to almost relive the event and idk why. Sad, happy, betrayal, any type of event.

lovemedicine

Date posted: 12w

i completely get this. my ex was objectively far worse than i am and hurt me immensely. whenever i felt sad about our breakup i would key word search in our texts things he would say after he fucked up to remind myself about the pain i felt and how i was the one who was hurt. it's really hard, but i've found something that has at least helped a bit is deleting all evidence that he exists from my phone and life (if you can). i deleted all our photos, texts, dms, whatever you can think of, and finally blocked his number today. it feels really scary and the number blocking was especially hard, but i think it really helps with the rumination. im still in it bad, but it's helped. good luck to you

Cmholley559

Date posted: 12w

@lovemedicine YES! Keyword searching! EXACTLY that! Ugh. It’s exhausting. I know deleting stuff would probably help but I just feel like I can’t… ugh. Did it help a lot? Do you still manage to somehow do it after deleting stuff? Like did it morph into a different way?

lovemedicine

Date posted: 8w

@Cmholley559 sorry for the super late reply, but it definitely helped a LOT. it's still been super hard, but taking away the tangible evidence for me to look back on all the time made it a lot less harder than i think it would have. it did morph kind of into me just obsessing over my memories of my ex and replaying them as much as i can which has been really hard to get out of doing. i'm still struggling with it and haven't totally found a way to help, but using thought decision techniques has been the best thing i've done. good luck to you :)

Cmholley559

Date posted: 8w

@lovemedicine Yes I’m worried I’d do that too. I also have false memory ocd so I’d probably worry something happened that I can’t verify. I hate this disorder. Thank you for your reply though.

JazzyRoses

Date posted: 19w

Being Cheated On OCD

Hi everyone! I have been having a rough time. So my boyfriend talks to his ex still as friends and I’ve been struggling with it lately and I can’t tell if it’s OCD or not but it does feel so distressing. She wasn’t texting him for about 2-3 months as she got into a relationship with this guy and they broke up. She had messaged him saying that she has no one else to talk to and needed to vent to someone. At first I felt okay, but my intrusive thoughts took over and it seemed like she was trying to get with him after the fact. It’s probably just my intrusive thoughts talking but he looks on Discord (the app where the message) constantly now and my intrusive thoughts convince me that he’s still in love with her. Then yesterday I saw one of his BeReals (a little photo app that shows a photo of the day) and I saw that he was watching one of her streams as she is a streamer. I struggled to talk about it because it made my worst thought feel like it came true where he is still in love with her. When we talked he gets a lil mad that I don’t tell him right away like straight up what I’m feeling but it’s hard to process because my thoughts flood in of all the worst things and I don’t want to come off as toxic at all and I know relationships are built on trust and I want to trust because this is literally the only thing that makes me nervous about him. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been cheated on before so I’m trying to protect myself but I’m lost. I get so depressed and so anxious because I feel like I have to grieve the relationship and it’s just so dramatic. I’ve never loved anyone like this before and I don’t wanna lose him by bringing this stuff up constantly when something occurs with his ex. I don’t know why I get triggered so easily and I just wanna heal from it and be the good girlfriend I’m supposed to be 😭

LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17w

Need advice!!

Ok I need any and all advice 😭 please help. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 2 years and feel deeply connected and happy and in love with him. My ex and I were first loves and on and off basically for 5 or so years until I met my current bf. During that time we both were toxic and back and forth and he did some things that were really hurtful. We never really had an “ending” or any actual closure to anything? I just kind of started talking to and liking my current boyfriend. I saw my ex a month ish ago at the bar and wasn’t very nice to him. I was like hyper aware of how I was behaving around him to make sure he didn’t get the wrong idea. I know he has had a really hard time moving on from me. Since then I feel like I have not been able to stop thinking about the past and am questioning a ton about my feelings. I do have ROCD, and I don’t know if this is solely because of that or a mix of that and the emotional loose ends? I don’t know. But I’m feeling such an urge to text him this whole paragraph I’ve drafted about closure, how I don’t even need him to respond, but I just need to get some things off my chest. I feel SO conflicted about sending it. I do not want to rekindle anything with him, but it’s just the principle of texting your ex that makes me feel like I am betraying my boyfriend now. Yet it feels like it’s weighing on me so much - and I’m like is ocd involved? I just don’t know if I should send the text or not. If anyone has been in similar situations or has any helpful advice I would really love and appreciate some because I feel so stuck.

Relationship OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 13w

OCD around my breakup

My partner broke up with my about 10 months ago. It came out of nowhere, and I got no explanation before they ghosted me and blocked me on all forms of contact. I have been horribly struggling since then with this obsessive need for closure. For a while I continued to try to reach out to them, on my own accord or through other people, but it just kept ending with more blocking. For months, I was going through the relationship and the breakup in my head over and over, picking it apart to try and figure out what went wrong, but without a conversation with my ex, I couldn't get anywhere. I am definitely doing much better now. the compulsions to reach out to her and the spiral obsession with figuring out what went wrong have both lessened. but they are still present, especially when I sleep. I really just want to be rid of the whole situation, but i want to do it in a healthy way without locking up my feelings. i really am at such a loss though. i still want answers and i still miss my ex in a lot of ways, but at the same time, the though of running into them scares the shit out of me. ive heard some horrible things about them since then, and how they have been spreading rumors about me behind my back. the situation cant seem to get any worse and it just keep happening. and it makes my ocd triggers so much worse too. idk, i will take literally any responses and any helpful advice.

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Rereading Old Texts between Ex

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