I’m so tired I just wanna be free

I know I keep talking about This but I’m too tired :( I’m really struggling and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I might be the only person who experiences this in the way I do. It’s gotten so bad that during intimacy or self-pleasure, I feel like I’m acting on a thought — like my body is moving because of it. It’s terrifying and deeply hurtful. The moment it happens, I immediately panic, try to rewind everything in my head, and ruminate to figure out what I was thinking at that exact second… but I can never remember. That makes it even worse. feel so lost and hopeless, like I’ll never be able to heal or move on from this. People tell me “it’s just OCD,” but it doesn’t feel like OCD to me. It feels like I’m the exception — like no one else truly experiences it like this, especially the part where it feels like I physically responded to a thought. I know people say “others go through this too,” but my mind keeps saying, “not like this, not this specific thing.”Sometimes I just wish I could go back and relive those moments so I could be sure what happened, but I know that’s not possible. I feel so stuck in guilt and doubt that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m scared I’m a bad person and that I’ll always feel this way. I’ll never be free or be the same again everyday I live with deep depression

NiJoDe

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 27w

I've been at a similar point like you, fearing that it "might not be OCD" because of how real it can feel, and how distressing these thoughts can be. It has a way of making you feel guilty about something you haven't felt guilty about before, and it has a way of taking advantage of a person's memory, driving us crazy to figure things out no matter what. I'd like to recommend trying some self kindness exercises that I have done while fighting my OCD. 1. Accept how these thoughts make you feel and lean into the uncertainty and distress 2. Acknowledge that you are not the only one that has had these kinds of fears and doubts 3. Invite yourself to try Exposure Response Prevention in order to not figure things out, i.e. "Maybe this feeling I have could not be OCD, maybe I really could be a bad person after all, maybe I could be the only one that feels this way. I will not be able to figure this out, only time will tell." I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but be sure to remember that you are never alone in this fight to reclaim your life from OCD. The more you try and lean into these fears without trying to give into compulsions, the more that OCD will only be a mere "blip" in the radar. You are strong and capable, let's accept uncertainty together!

Gmoki

Date posted: 27w

@NiJoDe This is perfect!

andrea_sam730

Date posted: 27w

@NiJoDe Thank you my friend commenting this 💕😓

Gmoki

Date posted: 27w

Hi ! I saw your last post reguarding grades and left a comment there. Do you have a therapist?

andrea_sam730

Date posted: 27w

@Gmoki No I haven’t seen it what did you say ?😓

Gmoki

Date posted: 27w

@andrea_sam730 No worries❤️I’ll find and paste it here

Gmoki

Date posted: 27w

@andrea_sam730 Hi girl, I totally understand where you’re coming from. OCD did this exact thing to me too. However, you need to remember you are NOT a failure. Healing isn’t a linear process, and things will get better. Are you seeing a therapist? ERP helps so, so much with these feelings. I promise you, it is ok to fail. What matters is you seek the help you need, give yourself some grace, and get back up 10x stronger. Also, grades absolutely do not define you as a person or as a student. To me, they’re just a snapshot of what you’re able to do in the current moment. I know Cs are not what you want, but I’m pretty sure that is still a passing grade. With OCD reassurance seeking/giving is something we have to avoid doing because it’ll feed into that compulsion, however, I will say I think you’re going to be ok. Please, please be patient with yourself. What helped me was ERP and starting medication, and if you haven’t done so already, NOCD will help you in acquiring these resources. Pls keep us updated!! If you need someone to reach out to I’m always here. You aren’t alone💕💕💕

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