worried about friendships

the past month ive been ruminating about a time last year where i hurt a friend by unintentionally bringing up a traumatic memory when i was really drunk, enough that i didnt remember it, so i went 6 months without apologizing until i was worried when they werent talking to me anymore. so they told me when i finally tried to talk to them. i apologized and they told me we were ok now, and still want me in their life, but now they stopped talking to me again and its been 3 weeks, and im terrified that i did something again, especially since they stopped talking to me when i made a mistake before, and wont tell me outright. the event triggered horrible horrible guilt over what i did, mostly guilt About the guilt i was feeling, because its not a normal amount of guilt for a regular person, and eventually my compulsions for confessing and ruminating reached a high point. and when they stopped talking to me again they got even worse . they are aware i suffer from ocd and anxiety to an extent (we've been friends since we were teenagers) so its hard for me to believe they wouldn't do this unless i did something wrong again, especially due to the events of my past mistake. lately ive been wondering, 'have they found out my abnormal reaction to what happened ?' 'did a friend who knows about it tell them?' ive been avoiding asking them if i did something wrong again, because i dont want to make it a habit since i can fall very deeply into that hole of asking for reassurance and i feel even regular reassurance, without the ocd, im the last person who deserves that right now. im scared they somehow found out about my compulsions (which isnt entirely irrational) and i feel the need to apologize to them again. ive been having panic attacks about this. i feel like no matter what i do i cant fix our friendship, and its going to end badly. i feel like a terrible friend, and im too mentally ill to have friendships. i don't know what to do.

ZaraW4

Date posted: 7w

Hello, I'm Zara :)! As someone who's had many ups and downs with friends and family because of my OCD, I emphasize with you greatly. To begin with, I'll say this - guilt for your actions isn't necessarily bad. To actually feel guilt implies you have the capacity for compassion, and are completely capable of growing as a person. While excessive guilt can lead to self-pity, and self-pity can lead you to being unable to improve, we can remove that possibility from the equation because that is exactly what you're OCD is trying to tell you. I'd recommend this - have a sit-down discussion with your friend. Because while their reactions are valid, them deigning to communicate your mistakes to you only hurts the relationship more, and that's not a unfounded thing to recognize. Tell them how their avoidance triggers your OCD, that you're afraid of losing them, while also validating their feelings along with your desire to grow from past mistakes. If it's any consolation, I threatened my best friend years back, and the fact that we talked about it after, and I accepted my faults, allowed us to grow together and love each other even more. So, much luck, and I wish you well in these trials. You've got this!

harvestmoon

Date posted: 7w

@ZaraW4 thank you for the advice :-)

Tigers_blood

Date posted: Yesterday

I’ve been here so many times with different friendships and relationships, you are not alone! You can resist the urge to ask for reassurance, and your relationships will absolutely benefit in the long run.

SunnyAnon

Date posted: 22w

catastrophizing + false memories

kind of a longer post. putting a trigger warning just incase but nothing really insanely triggering is mentioned. currently trying to slowly pull away from a toxic friendship. i’ve been friends with someone for almost 4 years and since i met her i’ve felt like i have been living a lie. to make a long story short, i’ve been feeling sort of like a doormat being walked on in this friendship. it’s hard for me to speak up for myself and with someone like her whose super outspoken about her own opinions and interests etc it’s hard for me to speak up and not just agree and move on. this has boiled into me just not being myself at all. i know to those who don’t experience this it’ll sound ridiculous. like just be honest and be yourself but it’s just sadly way more complicated then that. she’s also caused me to have extreme stress and anxiety and even panic attacks because of her behaviors when there’s conflict. to the point where whenever i explain the full situation i get the same response from everyone which is “why are you still friends with her”. pulling away from this friendship isn’t gonna be easy and i don’t really no how to do it. when asking my mom she’s telling me to flat out block her everywhere and that her actions are inexcusable. my therapist asked me if i’m getting anything from this friendship and when i hesitated to think of anything she said “i think you know your answer”. my entire family and friends and therapist are encouraging me to leave her and never look back. but i am mortified not only because of my OCD but because i know what she does when faced with conflicts. i’m mortified thinking of everything i’ve ever said to her wether it was right or wrong or if i ever confessed to past compulsions, talking about traumas and stuff. thinking about if i’ve ever mentioned anything about anything which i know I haven’t like i would never forget it if i did but now i’m worried since i’m trying to no longer be friends with her. i’m having a lot of false memories pop into my head and it’s been making this process a whole lot harder. stressing about even posting this, plus worried about my thoughts and emotions making my OCD worse and making me fear this whole situation even more. does anyone have any suggestions on how to ease these anxieties??? or advice specifically on ending long term friendships???

h4aling07

Date posted: 11w

i need help :( guilt and confessing compulsion

okay so, i had this friend i met in the 8th grade when i was 13 when we became friends and my nickname for her was “red” and i had a crush on this friend before we became friends and once we became friends the crush faded away and i just grew a close platonic friendship with her and no longer has any crush or attraction or romantic interest in her. then i got a girlfriend named lisa in the 8th grade also and we were all friends and hung out but that summer going into highschool lisa broke up with me, we dated only for 2 months so you know it wasnt a big deal. and my friend “red” she and my other friend lana we are a trio and they helped me move on from that. then i started 9th grade (my freshman year of highschool) and i went into this year thinking i was gonna stay best friends with this trio but we ended up splitting paths but me and my friend “red” always had a more special bond in the trio we were like the duo because we trauma bonded and dealt with mental health problems. and in the end of my first semester i fell in love with this girl named riley (who became my 3 year serious relationship) and i love this girl so much i met her when i was 15 and she was 14, me and riley (who is my current partner) were very toxic during freshman sophomore and junior year. she was very insecure over my ex from the 8th grade who i didnt care about because she was my first girlfriend. and she was also very insecure over my friend “red” because she was my best friend during the time i was with my ex and she reminds her of my ex for some reason. i still wanted to be friends with “red” at the time and we would get into numerous fights about that. she would control me and who i was friends with and said i couldnt be friends with her and i felt so awful and defeated bc i had a close bond with this friend. she then gave me an ultimatum of either her or my former best friend and i chose my partner obviously but she was so in her head i think that she still broke up with me for like 3 days and that day she broke up with me i had to go home with her since she was my ride home and i was broken and she was obviously angry and i was crying while we were walking out of school and then she stormed off without me all upset and my other guy friend and his girlfriend saw me and went up to me to comfort me and asked what was wrong and i told them she broke up with me and then my partner yells my name very upset from across the street comes back and grabs my arm aggressively and drags me past everyone very aggressively and angry while telling me to stop crying because her mom is going to be upset and ask questions and i felt so bad. we got into the car and i had to try my best not to cry and my partner who was visibly upset a few seconds ago just completely smiled at her mom and asked how her day was with such a happy tone of voice and i was completely in shock. hours later since we were broken up i texted my former friend “red” (the one who my partner broke up with me over) and told her i needed emotional support that reyna had dumped me and i needed a friend. and she came over and talked to me. that was all nothing romantic. and then 2 days later my partner says we are back together and i was happy but felt guilty because i hung out with my friend who she dumped me over. Now years later im still with this partner after many splits but we are finally healthy and healing and shes been super supportive and there for me and loving during my recent journey discovering my ocd. i have been confessing over and over many past mistakes or things i thought were mistakes. i last confessed something on monday and ive been feeling better and relieved after confessing up until yesterday when i remembered a past mistake (which was what i just shared) and now i cant stop ruminating on it and feeling guilty and feel the need to confess this to my partner but i learned that confessing is my ocd compulsion and if i give into it ill be feeding my ocd and not breaking the cycle. but im also feeling conflicted on if i should genuinely let her know and confess because i feel what i did that time was wrong but i dont want to give into my ocd but also what if i basically cheated on my partner by doing that and if i tell her that i did what i did even tho i didnt cheat but i told her i never liked this person even tho i had a crush on the former friend and tried to get my partner to let me keep this friendship because its not like i like her romantically which is true i dont but i used to. so i feel like i betrayed her even especially by hanging out with her so now i dont know if i should tell her or if its my ocd and i dont have to share absolutely everything especially if its in the past. i dont want to lose my partner and im scared if i keep confessing it will ruin our relationship and drive her away but it will also make me lose myself and my own privacy and also feed my ocd and compulsions but im scared if i dont confess ill never stop thinking about it and i will feel like im lying to my partner and like i cheated and i wont be able to enjoy the good moments and the present because im stuck on my past “mistakes” and now im scared ill have the end my relationship to feel better but that will hurt me more but im scared if i stay im just going to try to avoid my partner in fear ill confess or feel the urge to confess every time we speak. i dont know what to do im completely lost this is the hardest thing ive ever dealt with and i have a lot ive dealt with in my life already. im barely 17 i havent had a year of a break

1milliondogs

Date posted: 15d

Friendship troubles

I am wondering if anybody has experience with the following and how it worked out for them, or if anybody simply relates >> i do not believe any of my friends to be real no matter how long, how close, and how well we know each other. It is not any fault of theirs; i like them as people & they are good, it is my own anxiety disorder/OCD holding me back. Recently i got into a conflict with my friend over something i had never considered before and is a behavior i only do in order to protect others, not for my own enjoyment at all, but i realize now that i am only causing harm. I usually try to keep my emotions out of friendships because i automatically feel manipulative if i show any sort of feelings which is a difficult drag but i believe it is for the good of everyone as a safety precaution as crazy as it sounds i am scared to burden peoples lives. Me and my friend where talking about a show she enjoys & i quickly explained that i dont like it and would not want to watch it, thinking that it would be an intrusion & manipulation to try to involve myself in something she loves within her personal life. It wasnt even the truth, i have been a fan for years i just felt like an obsessed freak or a stalker if i admitted it — i thought it would make her uncomfortable. I hurt her feelings and was horrified by my mistake. I understand now i had been leading her on by bringing up the show sometimes just to talk about it because i was thinking very technically knowing that she liked the show and concluding that she would like talking about it without considering her feelings or my own harshness/coldness. I feel deeply and very badly about this mistake and immediately apologized a lot, we worked it out and talked about it but i never even thought about that perspective and how i am only doing the opposite of what i try to do. I automatically feel evil in any pursuit of connection because i feel like i am undeserving or a deeply twisted person who only has friends from manipulating others so i try to not be upfront about my love for my friends thinking it would wrongly put myself in their favor when i am really secretly evil and they dont even know it. I feel like i am being a liar when i am nice so i try to keep things formal and only end up pushing people away so so hurtfully and strongly. All of my carefulness has done so much more harm than good this has opened my eyes and i do not know how to turn my behavior around or believe that it is not manipulative to love people openly. I am emotionally stunted and at a loss i would do anything to not hurt the people that i love ever again it was the worst feeling in the world to hear that. I cannot possibly admit my feelings to my friend because i am so scared it would be manipulation to speak about why i messed up after i made her hurt so i just make sure to admit & own up to my cruel behavior and promise to not let it happen again. i am so ashamed and heartbroken by this and would never admit to or repeat any of these words outside of here.

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