So another obsession just popped up and it’s how during school I had a class with this one girl and I would always notice her. Like whenever I looked around my eyes would always go to her. And right now I’m just scared and feel like a terrible boyfriend bc even when something funny happened I would look around but my eyes would find my way to her. Now I feel like I just wanted her to notice me and it feels weird
Whats wrong with finding someone else attractive:) There’s nothing wrong about that. What matters is how you act. What you decide to do. Do what aligns with your values
@slippery_salad I never really talked to her but what if I did stuff in the class hoping that she would notice
Thanks for reaching out, what you’re describing sounds like a very common type of Relationship OCD (ROCD) obsession. OCD often latches onto moments from the past, especially ones that feel ambiguous or uncomfortable, and makes you question what they “really meant.” Noticing someone repeatedly or feeling drawn to their presence doesn’t make you a bad partner, it makes you human. The urge to figure out why you noticed her or what it says about your relationship now is likely a form of mental reviewing or reassurance seeking, which are common compulsions in ROCD. We can work on helping you tolerate the discomfort and uncertainty around these thoughts, instead of getting pulled into analyzing them. Would you be open to scheduling a session so we can begin exposure and response prevention (ERP) work around this?
@Andrea Futrell My parents wouldn’t want me talking to a therapist or anything again bc they think my ocd is gone bc I never talk to them about it bc they never accept it being actually real even though I’ve been diagnosed
We all notice other attractive people or people who remind of us of our partners. This doesn’t make us disloyal. The difference is not acting on these thoughts or urges. Unfortunately the part of your brain looking for potential partners does not poof away when you go in a relationship, it’s biological. True love takes effort and dedication to one another. Chasing butterflies always leads to a life of never settling down or being happy. The beauty of love is becoming comfortable with your partner and their flaws.
@mcocd I never really talked to her but what if I did stuff in the class hoping that she would notice
@BB1224 That’s quite literally biological. The biggest thing is not acting on these thoughts. Everyone gets those little blips from people, if we didn’t, we would have no drive. The biggest thing is bringing that attention to your partner and not cheating. Remember it takes ACTION to cheat. Not thoughts. Thoughts do not equal action.
@mcocd I would never cheat, I still feel gross for noticing her so much and thinking what if I did want to get closer to her. Even though I never did
@BB1224 Everyone has these thoughts because we are biologically wired too. No use in beating yourself over them. I promise your every married or committed person has someone else who catches their attention, it’s just the difference of now acting on it.
@mcocd Like what do you mean acting on it, bc I’ve definitely have done little things in the class and in the back of my mind maybe thinking she noticed. Like what if I flirted with her, but I know I didn’t bc I never even talked to her other than maybe a couple times bc we were in a group together
@BB1224 I bet you were just nice, but I can’t give you that reassurance or fuel that cycle. By acting I mean deliberately flirting, asking her out, touching them, etc. what you would consider as cheating if your partner did. I would avoid speaking to this person unless you have to, just to help yourself not spiral. Less of avoidance more of to uphold boundaries with other attraction people. Keep conversations class related and not personal.
@mcocd Well I’m done with school and it’s been a couple weeks and I don’t talk to anyone other girls than my girlfriend. I think it might be that I just like having attention or being noticed from people I think are cool or nice bc I think I do that same thing with guys. But it’s weird with her bc I think I found her attractive but I would never do anything to upset my gf and most of the stuff I worry about from the past has been unintentional
@BB1224 Everyone likes attention from others and likes feeling wanted. When you are in a stable relationship too sometimes your mind finds other people that are “exciting” or “new”. The choice is just in using this energy towards your partner and being loyal :)
@mcocd Okay, I just hate the feeling that I think I was cheating
@BB1224 Cheating takes action. It takes emotionally connecting with the person or crossing physical boundaries in a way that go beyond everyday conversation.
@mcocd So finding the girl attractive and doing things unconsciously and hoping maybe she would notice is not something I should think so much about? Bc I think I do that with alot of people in general
@BB1224 I certainly wouldn’t. I love my partner and would never cheat but have what some would consider “workplace crushes” in terms of attraction. I don’t go out of my way with these people to uphold my boundaries, but from a biological sense I of course notice attractive people and my brain can want attention from them. It’s why we see celebrities as hot, have fun fake little hall passes. My husband and I both have people that are attractive, we just never cross that line because of our love and commitment to each other. We are loyal but also don’t burn ourselves for normal thoughts. OCD can make these thoughts torturous I know, telling you awful things, but don’t listen to OCDs lies
@mcocd Okay bc I truly love my gf and would never cheat or be unfaithful to her. It’s the fact that maybe I want attention from others makes me feel terrible. When you say you don’t go out of your way with these people, what does that mean. Like doing things in hopes of getting attention from others. Like sometimes it’s just me trying to be funny and hoping someone finds me funny so I look around hoping someone notices, but i feel like it was that girl that I always tried to look for to see if I got her to notice
@BB1224 It’s more of like, trying to get this person to ask you out or getting close to them, or telling them personal details that starts to cross the line. I’m basically saying if it got to emotionally cheating where you’re confiding in this person or something where it crosses the line in a sense.
@mcocd Oh yeah I’d never do that with someone else. Thank you for all your help truly, it means a lot to me
@BB1224 Happy to. I have a very similar theme and these are just things that helped me. I grew up very sheltered and have had to enter a nearly full man workforce being a committed female. I had never experienced attraction while in a relationship where I had to see the person everyday and it made me spiral. I’m here to truly tell you it’s okay and it gets easier the less you focus on it and the more you direct that attention to your partner. Just remember: grass is always greener.
no clue if this is compulsive, but I’m interested to hear any obsessions others have that aren’t the “common” ones you see online about what ROCD is? a few for me: - thoughts about their partner being with someone else instead (sometimes a specific person) and then trying to analyze your reaction to it? e.g. does it *feel* more right than us, do I actually feel happy for them, etc. - trying to imagine your partner in your current situation or maybe a specific future situation (when they’re not around) and trying to decide if they “fit” in it? - being super scared of losing them, then suddenly feeling like you don’t care much for them at all, and just constantly cycling? - I almost never fully enjoyed sex because I was constantly obsessing about whether or not I was turned on, turned on “enough,” if I was just having groinal responses and wasn’t actually turned on, looking at his face just to decide if I find him attractive enough, comparing my experience with how I feel watching content alone, etc.
For the past 3 months ish I’ve been struggling on and off with this anxiety and fixation over my relationship. To wondering if i still have feelings for an old friend, wondering if i actually love him, wondering if the thoughts are all real and im just trying to cover it up with ocd. It sucks, when im talking to my boyfriend i feel fine. The words i love you and talks about the future come naturally. I can’t imagine myself with anyone but him. But this constant rumination on my relationship is KILLING me and I’m scared it’s going to ruin what i have. It makes me numb and disconnected which therefore makes me believe the thoughts even more. They just feel so real sometimes and it’s so scary like why can i not just enjoy it. We’ve been together for a while so i know there’s periods of like feelings ebb and flowing but this is so much more. It’s just constantly sitting on my chest with anxiety. My compulsions are coming on this app, looking at photos of us and confessing it to him. He’s very understanding and helpful. I love him so much. I just need help / I’m also just starting new meds as well ..
I feel like my brain needs to chase dopamine. I’m currently in a long term relationship but I notice myself chasing male attention at work and fantasizing about if my coworker can bring me more joy than my current partner. Deep down inside I know that I love my partner and he’s the only person I want to be with but right now I feel so miserable. I feel like if I dont seek reassurance (watching videos on this topic, scrolling through reddit) then my mind will start to think that I need to leave my partner. I’ve been struggling with ROCD for over a year now and I’m wondering if I should even be with my partner since this has been going on for so long. I dont know how to accept the fact that my relationship isn’t going to feel like how it did in the beginning.
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