TW// suicide I attempted last week and my therapist told my family, I promised everyone but the cost of my mistakes and wrong doings is death, I cant do this anymore I dunno what to do only death feels right to me and I want to bring justice by punishing myself for my sins.
hey man im sorry youre going through such a rough time right now. ive been in a similar position before. I used to SH in order to punish myself for things I perceived as my fault that I felt guilty over like my mom leaving when I was younger or even small things like saying or doing something awkward. the thing is no amount of punishing yourself will take away the guilt. the only way to really heal from it is to forgive yourself which is easier said than done. I dont know what you did or think you did that you feel guilty for but in my opinion there's not a lot of things so bad it warrants deserving death. death wont bring justice for your sins because in my opinion at least justice isnt just about punishment but also improving yourself and the world around you. if you really wanna bring justice to yourself for sins you believe you committed try doing something productive with this guilt like bettering yourself or doing something to help others, which has been something thats helped me. ive been doing volunteer work lately because it makes me feel that im worth something even when my thoughts tell me im a horrible person. you dont deserve death for whatever it is you did or think you did. there's always room for growth and change even if what you did really was bad. everyone makes mistakes, its part of being a human being. I hope you feel better soon mate, I hope this helps a little, sorry if im rambling. good luck!
Thank you, its just that it feels like whatever I do wont be enough to fix everything and the only solution is to kms or do sh, even if I try to change my mind it wont change and I just feel so stuck.
I'm sorry you're going through a tough time right now. Can I ask what you think justice is? I ask because I believe true justice is healing
İt just feels like even if I heal, it wont fix anything or whatever I do wont be enough to fix my mistakes.
@cemre What does being stuck in the cycle do, does that fix anything either?
@Wolfram no but I can end it by killing myself
@cemre True but how does that fix what's happened in the past either?
@Wolfram every mistake has consequences and I will pay the price with my life
@cemre The fact you said mistake, rather than choice shows you knew it was innocent on some level. Yeah, we all make mistakes and some are worse than others, but if you're dealing with something you didn't know how to manage how is it justified to punish yourself for that? Do you want to vent about specific scenarios?
@Wolfram I didnt realize I was making a mistake while doing it and realized after a while and came clean to the person but I feel so horrible and I regret it a lot
@cemre Well you owned up to it and came clean, that's all you really can do. If you can't make up for it in the way you think, maybe pay it forward somehow. I feel like things like this are just lessons for us to be better next time
@Wolfram idk I cant forgive myself and I feel like shit
@cemre Do you feel like you can't forgive yourself more because you genuinely don't believe you deserve it, or because your values are a little out of balance?
@Wolfram what do you mean by out of balance
@cemre The majority of people with ocd have core values that are a bit extreme to the point that it's actually the cause of the ocd. Basically duality gone wrong
@Wolfram I dont know but Im not diagnosed but I have a value related to this mistake and it feels like I betrayed my values by doing this mistake and now it feels like I dont deserve to live
@cemre Maybe your values have betrayed you. I'm not saying what you did wasn't right or wrong, but the possibly the way in which you measure that judgement
@Wolfram I cant bear to live like this
@cemre I've been there. It's horrible when you are going through it. Are you receiving any therapy?
@Wolfram I am
@cemre What type of therapy are you doing?
@Wolfram We are just talking and she is taking notes
@cemre So just talking therapy? Are you planning on doing Cbt, or Erp etc?
@Wolfram I dont know
@cemre You should ask as normal talking therapy makes ocd worse rather than better
@Wolfram Im not diagnosed
@cemre That doesn't mean you don't show symptoms. Bring up the core value stuff at least, I did some stuff for that and it helped with similar themes to yours
@Wolfram Thank you I will
i have done so many bad things bc of my OCD. and the thing is i have actually done them. whether or not they were compulsions doesn’t matter bc i still did those things with a fully conscious mind and I cannot erase those moments. and today I did something completely irredeemable. I don’t know how I can live with myself bc I know I am not worthy of life anymore. I am not worthy of being able to walk around free when I am a danger. and people will say “no it’s just your thoughts telling u this” NO IT ISNT. I HAVE ACTUALLY DONE BAD THINGS THAT ARE IMMORAL AND AT THIS POINT CALLING THEM COMPULSIONS JUST FEELS WRONG. I wish I had normal ocd. bc I know I deserve to suffer bc of all these things so im fine with it being normal OCD. there is nothing no one can do for me anymore. I doubt anyone will see this post anyway. and if u have read this far, ur better off just scrolling away bc im just a terrible person who is better off d3@d.
Recently I (16m)feel hopeless I feel so sick and sad idk what to do I feel lost I feel like a monster everything has been hell, and I don’t know how to move on from the never ending guilt . I did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect.(idk if all of this was because when I was 8 I was shown explicit content by my older brother) I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and can’t even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldn’t I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like I’d be sent jail. Idk if I can move on. Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.i wish I could move on like my older brother who seems to not feel guilty maybe this is what I deserve idk I feel like I can’t go on
I know this isn’t healthy but I’m in a really bad place. If I actually did something so disgusting I don’t deserve to live. I know me dying would just cause more pain but I feel it’s what I deserve. I confessed on here, which I know I shouldn’t have, but being ignored is making me worry that my actions were actually unacceptable
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