Hi guys. Just a question. If you do something subconsciously does it mean it comes from your true self? Because I did something and I’m now realizing I had a bad motive. I’m so anxious right now Im spiraling.
Not always. I have some pretty bad subconscious habits. It doesn't make it something that can't be fixed or even a part of me.
Not necessarily. Could be, could not be.
God I hope not
Hey! Great question. No. Well, not exactly. Our subconscious is part of us but so is our conscious. Before I knew I had OCD, I actually used to believe my "conscious" was good and my "subconscious" was evil, and that they were battling inside of me. Long story short I was functionally making this distinction as voluntary vs involuntary thoughts. I thought all the thoughts were "me" because they were mine. They're not you, and they're not absolute. What's real is the material world. Our thoughts reflect the material world, and sometimes we learn harmful views and behavior from parents and society. When we improve, we improve through development. We don't suddenly learn a mistake or admit we were wrong and then perfectly implement the improvement. For a long time, we subconsciously continue with old problems. Our conscious catches these problems for self-criticism and to develop you into a better person with greater understanding of thr material world. In normal humans this is a good thing. People with OCD are totally turned inward and self-critical to the extreme. That's to say, your intrusive throughts may be accurate reflections of your subconscious, they may not be. But remember, if it's ego dystonic and it bothers you, that's because you're on your way toward self improvement. It's not a sign of being stuck there at that point of personal development. Don't pick at it. Don't feed it. The doubt, the fundamental doubt of yourself and your motives. You're doing fine, you're stretching yourself to your absolute best.
Your "actions" behind the subconscious thought is the determining factor... at least this is my understanding. I have them too, a lot when I had the I Don't Attitude " when I'd felt misunderstood and literally was being mean. Then I told myself to stop because it wasn't right to react to things that way. We still have to hold ourselves accountable about the parts we play in everything, everyday related to our experience. Even when we are misunderstood, harassed, teased, ect. I try to constantly remind myself of this. It's hard to do this because I did like being mean during that time. But as I grew older and reflected more on myself and who I really am I stopped chasing that response. Unconscious bad thoughts, for me, is just my mini-Your-Desrve-It thoughts and they come and go.
There’s something that happens that keeps me stuck in a thought, it’s when I can see some part of myself agreeing with or relating to it in some way. That’s when the doubt creeps in. If I can understand *why* the thought is there, doesn’t that mean it’s not just random? Doesn’t that mean it actually reflects something about me? For example **(TMI/TW)**: I had the thought, *“I wonder what other people’s kinks are (including friends, family, even teenagers).”* And then I caught myself thinking, *“Well, I guess that could be interesting information… maybe I wouldn’t even stop someone from sharing it with me. Does that mean I actually want to know? Wait—does that make me perverted or incestuous for even having this curiosity?”* The same thing has happened with other thoughts, like wondering what someone’s privates might look like. I recognize that, on some level, that could be interesting—but does that mean the thought is truly mine? Maybe the answer is super obvious and I just can’t see through my OCD smoke. This was a bit embarrassing for me to write 🥲, but can anyone provide some insight?
Hey so a couple months ago (7-8) I remember being upset at my family member. Like she was talking too much while I was annoyed and remember wanting her to be quiet. I got an intrusive thought like a really bad image of doing something really bad to her, and my hand twitched to the side a little? Like it felt like I was about to?! And I remembered thinking "if I do this, I'll get in trouble". I got up and left to the bathroom and felt horrified! I was thinking "did I want to act out? Did the only reason I didn't act out was because of getting in trouble? If there was no consequences, would have I done it?! Does this mean this whole time I've been using OCD as an excuse?" I remember I couldn't sleep for 3 nights because of how bad the anxiety was, I was crying and I felt very guilty like I should turn myself in to a mental hospital. I couldn't eat for many days or be near her because of that thought and twitch I had! I'm worried it was an impulse or I actually wanted to hurt her. And even to this day I still ruminanate about this. Like last night I couldn't sleep well I kept waking up every two hours and asking myself "am I capable?" I couldn't eat last night. Sometimes I move on from it like I forget that happened but when I remember, I feel distressed about it! I don't want to be an evil person or do bad actions towards anyone! I'm even scared to be angry because of this because I'm scared I have more "chance" of acting out due to anger. Like was it an impulse and I held back? Is this even OCD? Please help, I'm really scared!
How do you know the difference :( I genuinely cannot keep living in this torment. it all started with an ‘intrusive thought’ where I had like a hazy flash of something reading an article. and I remember thinking ‘what if’ and ‘what is this’ and then that intrusive thought turned into me ‘remembering’ something else. which caused me panic. then I started trying to find evidence because it contradicted what I remembered this entire time. this was last year in like september. fast forward to march this year, it came back up- but this time stronger and with more ‘details’ and what nots. and I’ve been ruminating on it since then trying to remember and connect and It’s like I’ve added all of these details. but are they real? or is this just my OCD? I just feel like if it were real I would have never been able to keep it to myself. but also what if it was so traumatic that I blocked it out? because it all makes NO sense for me to do something like that. but it also fits what I was thinking at the time. idk
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