Idk if really love my partner

I don’t know if I love him. I don’t think I do. I want to. I want to so fucking bad. I loved him. Before this I loved him so deeply we were such a good match but lately. Maybe just the past month were either fighting or not talking. Ik all couples go through rough patches. But this feels more. I wanan work through this. Ik all the problems are my fault. The jealousy, the resentment, the anger. It’s all on me. I’m the problem. But idk how to fix it. Idk how to stop being mad when he talks abt spending time with his friends. Idk how to stop being sad when he leaves to hang out with them. Idk how to not cry myself to sleep when he wants alone time. I wanna be with him. I want this relationship. But the good is so few and far between. The laughter and smiles is so fleeting. So much of my time is spent wondering if he hates me or if I hate him. I don’t wanna hate him. I wanna build a life with him. I see a future with him. But idk if I’ll ever truly be happy with him cuz of my jealousy and the fear I don’t love him. I try. I try so hard. Ik love is a choice not just a feeling but it’s so hard to make that choice when my brain tells me he wouldn’t make that choice. When I feel like he hates me and I’m boring him. When I’m insecure I feel so mad and angry that I can’t love him. I can’t feel any good feelings I’m just mad. And I hate it. I want us to be happy but I just know he likes being around them more. I just know I’m a chore to him. And I hate it. I love him. I love his beautiful face and his laugh. I love when we’re happy and good. And ik relationships require sticking it out through the bad. But I feel so guilty and so mad at the same time. I think abt are future and this pit is in my stomach and idk if it’s cuz im rlly anxious rn cuz i feel like he doesn’t love me or cuz i really don’t wanna be with him. I wanna be with him. I want him so fucking much. And I care abt him. But the constant questioning of my feelings and his feelings is driving me crazy. Idk what’s real and what’s fake. This relationship feels doomed and if it is idk if I’m gunna be able to handle the breakup. I love him. I care abt him. I want us to be together forever. I wanna grow old with him. But idk how to stop the bad feelings. How to stop the anxiety and anger. I just wanna love him and he love me. I pray for it every night and I try to be a good person but I’m so jealous and scared I keep ruing it. Idk what I want from this. Reassurance ig. Like can our relationship survive what’s happening? Is there a way to get better? To stop being jealous of him doing things without me. I don’t wanna become a bitter hateful gf. I just want us to be together and happy. Ik love is a choice not just a feeling. Ik you have to choose your partner every day even when you don’t want to and it sucks. But I’m so tired of feeling this. I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. I wanna be happy in this relationship. Ik deep down he’s the one for me. Ik I’m where I’m supposed to be when I’m with him. But idk if I truelly love him or if I’m just scared of losing all that we’ve built. Idk. Has anyone been where I’m at and if so how did you get through it? How do you get through the constant worrying abt both yours and your partners feelings?

Alynn9541

Date posted: 8d

I was the same way for years with my husband, BUT he did always choose his friends over me, every weekend he was going out with them and I would stay home and cry, then when I was pregnant I vowed not to cry again and that he was just missing out on time with me and the kids, well fast forward 5 years some thing happened and now he’s trying really hard to be the person I wanted him to be and it’s taking time, but I’m also not going to feel bad for standing my ground on things, and telling him what I expect out of our marriage. Before you blame yourself you need to really think about if this is all on you or if he is in fact spending too much time with his friends and not you

chasingpearl

Date posted: 7d

@Alynn9541 I’m rlly sorry you had to go through that. No one deserves that but I’m happy he’s hopefully coming around to be being better for you and your kids. Personally my situation isn’t like this. He spends like 3 times a month with his friends and maybe 2 nights a week with family and yah it’s usually from like 6 pm to 3 am but we usually stay up till dawn together and beyond that we spend a lot of time together. That’s why I said it’s all on me cuz he’s a good partner, friend and son/brother and I’m still insecure and mad. I hope he rlly is becoming a better husband and dad for y’all and the best of luck to you guys.

bignick44

Date posted: 8d

I think you should find some hobbies for yourself and maybe start going to Church together it's draining you and making it worse when it's becoming codependent you sound like you really love him and love doesn't have to smother each other healthy communication and boundaries is good if he wants to go spend time with his friends I'd say allow him too but also let it be known you want some kind of treatment too

chasingpearl

Date posted: 7d

@bignick44 Ik I do. I have friends and hobbies but my thing is I would always rather be with him than do them. Ik that I have codependency issues and I’m gunna work them in hopes that helps with our relationship . It’s very much an insecurity thing and feeling like he doesn’t do anything when were fting compared to with his friends but ik that he plays games with them a max of like 3 times a month and he’s almost always with me so ofc he’d be less talkative and interactive with me but it still hurts. Thank you for your advice.

bignick44

Date posted: 7d

@chasingpearl Acceptance is the first step and it's good you're trying to work on these problems God bless you I hope you get through this and things get better for you

altair8800

Date posted: 8d

It's perfectly normal for you and your partner to spend some time apart with your own friends. I would say that's important and healthy. How much time apart is up to each couple. Some people spend a lot of time apart and some people only a little. But everyone should be able to have a bit of independence. You two should be able to have a respectful conversation where you can share how you're feeling and so can he, where it doesn't turn into a fight. Maybe a therapist can help with that. I would say that it seems like you need to do some work in therapy to understand why him having some time with his friends without you makes you jealous. At the same time you can also tell him how much time you'd like to spend together in general so that you get enough quality time together.

altair8800

Date posted: 8d

I've been thinking about this and I want to add something to my original comment. This is a common source of conflict that many couples have. Many couples need to learn to negotiate how much time they're spending together vs. apart. All couples have a few issues. You may need some outside help to help you negotiate. That's okay too. I personally don't think you have to wonder if you love him.

chasingpearl

Date posted: 7d

@altair8800 Thank you. Ik it’s healthy and needed for couples to have alone time and friend/family time. I definitely do need to work through stuff with a therapist which I do have an appointment soon and hopefully I can work on getting better. Thank you. We’ve had some conversations but I end up feeling bad cuz he rlly doesn’t spend a lot of time with them at all it just feels like the end of the world when he does. Thank you for the advice! ❤️

Mariabae

Date posted: 17w

please read

Lately, I’ve been feeling extremely confused and guilty. My boyfriend has been really busy with exams, and we haven’t talked much this past week. I don’t really feel like I miss him, and that scares me. It makes me think maybe I don’t love him anymore, maybe I’ve changed, and maybe this relationship doesn’t feel right for me anymore. A few days ago, a friend invited me to go to a club with her and another girl. I know that if I went without my boyfriend, he would feel bad — not because he’s controlling, but because in our relationship, we’ve always had mutual boundaries and respect. I decided not to go, but ever since, I’ve been spiraling. My thoughts keep going: “What if I didn’t go just because of him?”, “What if I actually wanted to go, but I stopped myself because I don’t really love him?”, “What if I’m holding myself back and this relationship is limiting me?” All of this makes me think I’m bored, that I don’t like him anymore, or that I’m staying out of habit. It’s hard to tell what I really want or whether these thoughts are part of ROCD or some deeper truth. I keep wondering if I’m just attached to him because he’s my first boyfriend and we’ve been together for so long. Sometimes I even think I wouldn’t care if we broke up, and that I don’t feel anything for him anymore — and that absolutely destroys me, because he’s such a good person who truly loves me. He doesn’t deserve to be treated with so much doubt and coldness. I feel miserable. I don’t know what’s real and what’s just obsession. It hurts that I can’t feel any clarity or peace. I just want to know if this is ROCD or if I’m in denial and refusing to accept the truth

Mariabae

Date posted: 10w

please read- rocd… or is it? im in agony

Hi. I wanted to stop posting here, but I can’t hold it in anymore. I’m feeling so lost. I’m in a relationship that, from the outside, looks wonderful. We’ve been together for 2 years. He loves me deeply. He’s kind and caring. And still… I can’t feel anything. I can’t imagine a future with him — living together, starting a family, growing old. When I try, it feels like something in me shuts down, like it’s wrong. I don’t feel happiness in the relationship. I don’t feel love, warmth, or comfort. I feel anxiety, numbness, guilt, and fear. We fight over the smallest things. My thoughts scream that I don’t love him, that I’m forcing this, that I’m just used to him. The scariest part is: sometimes I feel okay, even calm. And that’s when it hits me — “What if this calm means I’ve accepted the truth? What if I don’t love him?” It feels like I’m in shock. Like I’m finally seeing clearly… but I’m terrified that it’s a clarity I never wanted. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I just know that I’m exhausted. And I want peace. If anyone else has felt this — the numbness, the fear, the doubt that feels like the truth — please tell me how you’ve gotten through it. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this. i know that people reading this will tell me to leave. but i dont have any reasons. All the problems started because of my never ending thoughts. i feel like i ruin everything. i feel like i have changed. im so lost and scared. i dont understand what is happening. It feels so real. im in agony, im crying so much. I wasnt always like this. i am trying to remember times i felt better and i cant. i cant feel anything. its so hard. i can’t explain how i feel and in scared what are you going to respond if someone will. i usually see “if you feel so bad then leave” but its not like that. he loves me so much and if the thoughts werent there it would gave been so different. everything was perfect. but i keep thinking that when the thoughts started, one and a half years ago, i realised that “i just dont like him” and gbat i couldn’t accept the truth and i am denying it. i feel fake. do i even have rocd? or is this cope?? why do i feel like this. why does it feel so real? please somebody help me

lulu2

Date posted: 10w

Relationship OCD - PLEASE HELP

Hey guys, I’m reaching out in a pretty weak spot of desperation. I feel so insane and so sick of my mind recently, I’m completely drained from my mind. I’ve had such bad spikes of RCOD in my relationship of 1.5 years , which kills me because I truly want nothing more than to just be his peace and for us to work out. I love him more than anything and I would do anything for him. I feel like the pressure I placed on making sure I was “perfect” was so counter productive becuase instead I find myself doing everything wrong. I tell myself not to think of the wrong thing, then I think of the wrong thing, then I feel so guilty, and it plagues my mind for days. I feel so guilty it makes me feel detached and like I’m a bad girlfriend. I feel so bad for always burdening him with my anxieties and my “wrong thoughts” becuase he doesn’t deserve it, he’s so amazing. Recently, I began overthinking if I “love him” which I KNOW is so silly because when I’m calm, I laugh that I even got so worried , but when my anxiety creeps in, it feels so debilitating. I spiral and then try to prove to myself that I do love him , which then makes things in that moment feel “forced” because I’m acting out of intent to win the battle in my head. My RCOD has been a persistent issue, but this particular theme is pretty new and I hate it. I feel like I’ve been placing pressure on myself to overly appreciate him and it’s so counterproductive. I feel so bad because I told him about everything and he now thinks I don’t love him. Which is so wrong. I just want this to be fixed. Sometimes I feel like he’d be better off with a girl that isn’t such a headache and wouldn’t drain him all of the time but at the same time , I could never accept him being with anyone but me. Also, I have seen a psychoglist but it just didn’t feel right and I hated vocalising my thoughts because I felt it gave them more power - it feels like the only person I can truly be raw with about this stuff is my bestfriend. If anyone has any tips , PLEASE help me.

Relationship OCD

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Idk if really love my partner

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