how would I ask for help with this , like to anyone ..? How do I get rid of these intrusive thoughts ??cos I hate myself so much when I think about young kids and their so innocent that I want to cry , ,but like I think about some weird stuff ,about how attractive some kids are . Just their eyes and cute features. Like I don’t understand why I like watching and looking at kids I see randomly seriously it’s really not in a sexual way it’s like I’m attracted to them in a weird fking way and oh my god I’m so fcked up literallt when a kid comes near me idk what to do like I get all flustered coz I never know how to deal with kids and their parents are gonna think im fucking weird cos I don’t know what to say to them ?? but like I do want to be near them and see them ..why????? im wondering if I’m showing signs of starting to become a P ??? I’m 19 btw in case that changes anything coz I’m not under 18 anymore and I feel like I’m such a creep ??

Hey Bluekit! First of all: I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I am not a professional but everything you’ve written here is quite common and expected for someone suffering from OCD with a pedophilic theme — ie POCD for short. It seems like you’re new to this so I’m going to provide a little reassurance even though you’ll learn that reassurance isn’t actually helpful in the long term: you are not a creep or weird or fucked up, you have OCD and all of your thoughts are exactly what people with your theme go through. As far as getting help goes, I have some good news: you do NOT have to tell anyone about the nature of your specific theme or thoughts in order to get help. Explain that you’re currently suffering from some mental health issues and it’s gotten to the point that you no longer feel able to manage it. Say you’ve done some research and would like to speak to an OCD Specialist. That parts important: even in the mental health world, OCD is widely misunderstood by non-specialists. That means you may have to go out of network for treatment or spend a little more money unfortunately, but it is absolutely worth it. Your OCD is highly treatable with the right help. Don’t let yourself needlessly suffer if you don’t have to. If there isn’t an OCD Specialist in your area, plenty of them now do online therapy, and there are even some available through this app. If your parents try to pry or tell you that you don’t need therapy, tell them that you aren’t comfortable discussing what’s going on just yet, and you hope they can trust you to know when you need help. Let them know that all you need is their support right now. Good luck with all of this. The first step might feel the hardest, but you’re there and it’s going to be fine. Treatment is very straightforward, your therapist won’t be phased at all by any of this, in fact they’ll have a bunch of other patients just like you. They will go at a pace that works for you and you’ll be better able to tackle this or any other theme on your own in the future. I’m not sure if you’ve heard this yet, but they say the flip side of every OCD theme is a value. Your POCD isn’t indicative of some underlying desire to hurt children, it’s actually a sign of how much you value children, innocence, and protecting those that can’t protect themselves.

And, Breathe.... Your working yourself up. I can admit I get this alot and it makes me feel like a shit person. Remember your thinking these things because you know you don't want to harm anyone and these thoughts are actually just making you aware of that. There just 'what ifs'. Much love and appreciation. Stay strong ?

This is really common, any experienced ocd therapist will tell you and yes you can say it to your therapist, once they are good they have a reasonable understanding of ocd. In the meantime, if these thoughts bother, which they clearly do, you shouldn't worry. A real pedophile in my view, would not be upset at such thoughts, but remember, to try to prove ocd fears are not real, is a compulsion in itself. Trying to prove with 100% certainty that we are good people, is impossible, as most things in life have no absolute certainty and that is where ocd preys on us. I know how hard it is but with ocd it's not the content that's important, it's how we react to it.