Please, please I beg of you, help me

Sometimes I catch myself looking at people, specifically men, a little too intently. I feel like I do it to seem prettier or more attractive, but I also think kinda enjoy seeing how they get flustered, I’m not sure. Even though it never goes beyond that, I still feel like I have cheated on my boyfriend, or at the very least, that I am being disrespectful to him. I feel like I’m almost flirting. I don’t know if this is some sort of distortion and or if this is normal. I’m really freaking out to the point where I’m nauseated. Please help. I can’t stop panicking.

any help is really welcomed and appreciated. I tend to hyper fixate on men outside of my relationship, they feel like crushes but I’m like 60% sure they’re meaningless dopamine rushes that happen with people I find interesting, friendship worthy, or physically appealing in some way. My hyperfixation recently shifted to a supervisor, not even an hour after meeting him :/ that’s fine, whatever, I can’t do much about it. I daydream and create like this drama romance in my head. Like good content for a movie or a book. Comparing it to that makes me feel less disloyal, and more understanding of why this might happen (I am a hopeless romantic, I adore stories). I’m home now and I was thinking of wearing a cuter shirt for work tomorrow because I went in an oversized hoodie today. This is a thought I had this morning before even meeting this man btw. But then my brain went to oh yeah I want to look attractive for this hyper fixation. It felt exciting to think that. I felt excited. Then the huge wave of dread hit me. I wanted to look good for another man? For a specific person? I can’t stop panicking I don’t know if this is normal, disloyal, a distortion, or what it is. I’m so confused. I felt happy when I got that thought. Maybe it was a dopamine hit or something I’m Colombian and we’re really big on looking our best 99.9% of the time. Even if it’s just to go to the gas station. I just feel so scared that I felt excitement over this one person. It’s extremely different for my boyfriend’s culture. Almost the opposite. I feel so disloyal and unworthy of my boyfriend. I doubt this was intrusive, it genuinely felt like me and I’ve had thoughts like that in the past. I just feel like a huge monster right now Please help :(

Ive been struggling with really bad ROCD for a year now and im in the healthiest relationship ive ever had. I cant even go to a therapist because im a medical student and i dont have the money for it yet. My boyfriend is a really decent amazing respectful man and he has been tolerating my re assurance seeking behavior for a long time. And yesterdays fit finally threw him off and he said he isnt scared to loose me anymore because, he wants a life with me but not a life where every action he makes is questioned even when his intentions are always pure. Im always asking him, does he look at other girls does he get horny when he sees a naked woman in a movie to all which he said No. he doesnt because he has never sexualized anyone. He doesnt find anyone else attractive either other than me because hes in love with me and i believe it because i know he is genuine. But i keep asking him questions its draining me out and its draining him too because of me . I am scared that im sabotaging the only good thing i have in my life. I love this man so much. That said theres things i had to constantly ask for too for example instead of just letting me keep asking, give me a heart felt assurance when i start relapsing with the questions and when i start doing better acknowledge it. Because it will make me feel better and ill try even more to sit with the uncertainty of everything and trust him whole heartedly. And that small things matter to me. We have even come to a middle ground when it comes to movies with severely explicit nudity and he already agreed to it (hes a movie nerd). I am constantly on the brink and edge of just giving in to the thoughts and asking him every now and then . But he is so fed up of me he said Its ruining his mental health and that he knows its twice in intensity for me but its not the kind of life he wants with someone he genuinely loves even after trying alot of things for me. Guys please i dont want to loose him. I want someone to be scared of loosing me and i feel like i have taken that away from him. I dont know what to do please . I love him so much. I know he loves me too he told me if i start relapsing he will do his best to provide me with assurance but if it keeps persisting after that it wont work. Because thats not a good life to lead in the future. It has gotten so bad to the point that everytime i have to ask he reacts like hes being held at gun point. And i hate seeing him like that because of me. I cannot handle loosing him. He sound really cold now and its scaring me alot. I need proper help from some of you please just give me some advice.