cold sore anxiety, i’m spiraling so rapidly rn

In September I had unprotected oral sex. I haven’t had sex in five years because even before that I was so ashamed and worried about sex. I finally did it and then a few weeks later while I was at work I started to be very itchy all in my underwear area like up to my butt. I didnt see any blisters or anything but when I googled it, herpes came up. Eventually I thought maybe it was the new underwear I bought and it went away after I stopped wearing them. However it’s returned twice, mostly when I’m really worried about herpes. I know this makes little sense because I don’t thinking about it would cause an outbreak but, either way I’m really nervous to go get tested because I heard there’s a high false positive rate and if I get a positive there’s a huge chance I will just become a recluse and never speak to anyone again. I already have so much trauma with sex, vaginismus, etc. I can’t imagine telling anyone I have herpes and then they 1) don’t want to be with me 2) now know this and could tell anyone they want Even if I don’t have it I was reading it could be asymptomatic and 80% of people who have it don’t even know, so now I’m worried I will get it no matter what sex I have. I can barely handle staying alive with just OCD but now with social stigma with herpes I will feel like I can not even live a normal life. I am already freaking out about it and don’t know what to do. I am worried to go get tested and it saying I have it, and then I’m worried to not and potentially spread it, I’m not even having sex with anyone right now so it’s not like I would. But I’m worried I will forget to wash my hands and touch something and someone else will touch it and then get it. I’m just having a really bad time.

Hi. I’m writing this because I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been suffering in silence for so long, and I feel like I’m losing myself more and more every day. I’m 18 years old, and I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years with someone who truly loves me( i have these thoughts and bad feelings since month 4 in the relationship) He’s kind, patient, and he really cares. But for a long time now… I’ve been stuck in this horrible cycle of fear, doubt, and emotional numbness. It started slowly — little intrusive thoughts like: • “Do I really love him?” • “What if I’m lying to him?” • “What if I never truly loved him, and I’m just realizing it now?” • “What if I’m wasting my youth in the wrong relationship?” And now? These thoughts feel louder than anything else. I don’t feel love anymore — not clearly. Sometimes I even feel repulsed or irritated. I hate admitting that, because I feel like a horrible person. He hasn’t done anything wrong — in fact, he just wants me to be happy and close again. But I feel like I’ve lost all my feelings, my sexual desire, my clarity, and my connection. It feels like my chest is heavy all the time. Every day I obsess: “Am I in denial?” “Is this ROCD, or is it just the truth?” “Should I break up? Should I stay?” “Am I wasting both our lives by not ending it?” “Why can’t I feel anything? Why can’t I be normal again?” I feel so guilty because I’m not treating him with love anymore. Sometimes I’m rude, cold, distant — and it kills me, because that’s not the kind of partner I want to be. I’m scared I’m ruining him and myself. What makes it worse is that I remember how things used to be — how safe I felt, how excited I was, how much I wanted him. But now, those memories feel so distant, like they happened to someone else. I feel disconnected from who I used to be, from him, and from myself. I keep thinking, “You’re only 18, you should be enjoying life, not crying every day over this.” I feel like I’m wasting my youth, my joy, my energy — but at the same time, I can’t leave. Because a part of me still wants to be with him. A part of me wants to want him again. But right now, I just feel broken and terrified and unsure of who I even am anymore. I’ve tried to talk to people close to me, but most don’t understand. Some get angry or say I’m overthinking. Others say “maybe it’s just not meant to be.” But it doesn’t feel that simple. Because if I didn’t care… I wouldn’t be this afraid. If I didn’t love him at all… I wouldn’t be this devastated by the idea of losing him. But what do you do when you want to love, and you can’t feel it? When your brain is screaming “THIS ISN’T RIGHT!” and your heart is too quiet to answer? Please… if anyone has been through this — if anyone has healed or has advice — I need to hear it. I want to be a kind partner again. I want to feel safe and clear again. I want to stop this spiral that’s been eating me alive. What helped you? What did you do when it felt so real and so final? How did you get through the days when all you felt was guilt and doubt and dread? Thank you for reading this. Even writing it helps me breathe a little. Please, if you’ve felt this way before… tell me how you kept going. 💔

Hello! I just needed a place to vent.. Me and my boyfriend are having a hard time right now because of my anxiety and because I have had vestibulodynia for 3 years. If you have a flare up of relationship ocd then this might trigger or something but I don’t know. Anyway, my vestibulodynia has made me afraid of intimacy a lot and my partner also in fear of hurting me has withdrawn a lot too. I still want him, it’s complicated. This year, things have been tougher with finding a cure, and that’s when I’ve started to have the thought ”what if it would be different with someone else?”, but I don’t want anyone else. I have had these urges to stare at attractive men, which I don’t really know why, a lot of fantasies come up in my mind, just popping in. About two times this year, I have been staring at an attractive guy/or just a guy a few times without really knowing why. I take it as a sign together with my withdrawal that I no longer want him, and is cheating. The thing is, I don’t like what I’m doing, and I don’t know why it happens, it’s like I can’t physically look away. I have to control myself to not stare. I know I can’t ask for reassurance here, but I would really like to know if this is ocd. I also had a fantasy of flirting but not leading to anything more, I think I wanted more chemistry with my boyfriend and it manifested into someone random that can’t hurt me. I don’t know what I just said meant but when I had it, I think I was clear with that I knew I only wanted those feelings with him, my boyfriend. The times I can’t stop staring, what usually happens in my mind is that I see that they are attractive, then I kind of take in their features but then I remember not to stare, but it’s weird cause it’s not like a calm ”oh so beautiful” it’s like my head keeps being turned and I physically cannot stop. I have heard of stare ocd but I’m not sure. It’s complicated because yes I feel sad because my vulvodynia messed up for us, because I was in heaven with him, before this relationship anxiety, and that was like one year ago still. When I don’t feel shame and when I allow myself, he makes me so so happy. But right now I feel like I don’t deserve him. He would never do anything like that. It feels like I have cheated, because it feel unloyal what I did. I wouldn’t want him to do that and I don’t know what I would do but I think I wouldn’t want to be with him. I’m so afraid that I have messed up. Sometimes I feel like I need to tell him, but I don’t know. I’m so scared because my dad was a cheater, I NEVER want to be like that. The fact that I’m doubting so much of I should be with him makes me feel like I’m cheating and he deserves better. It’s strange because it came from nowhere it feels like, it started when I started to give up on my vulvodynia for real, and when I felt like he seemed to care less. I never looked at guys like I have this year before, I feel so horrible. I wanted our relationship to be pure and loyal.