cold sore anxiety, i’m spiraling so rapidly rn

tw; !! sex, lgbtq, cold sores, anxiety !! okay so i haven’t been on NOCD since 2023. i need help so bad. i know i need to go to therapy, but i honestly just don’t have the money for it unfortunately. i was hoping to get some help. i’ve been with my girlfriend for three years, and we have a beautiful relationship. and an even more beautiful, healthy sex life; up until a year ago that is. she’s known i get cold sores every now and then since i met her. and i let her know that because it was fair and right. she never minded, and i never really..paid attention to them? i guess. well i got like 4-5 outbreaks in the last 5 years before april of 2023 and haven’t had one since. well i know that lip tingling or burning can be a sign of a cold sore appearing, yet one day in september last year, i ignored it (thinking it wasn’t that serious) and gave my girlfriend oral sex. afterwards, i thought i saw something on my lip and freaked the fuck out. like i genuinely didn’t sleep for days and cried so hard for hours on end. she was clearly upset with me for not mentioning the tingling to her and thought i could’ve possibly maybe transferred it to her. well nothing ever popped up on my lip, but since that day i haven’t been able to give her oral sex (we’re two women so giving head is a main intimate thing for us both) and it’s hard to kiss her because every time i think about the thought of a cold sore, my lip tingles. and i looked it up, and it says “if your lip tingles, a cold sore will pop up 48 hours later at least”. so when i feel the “tingle” i wait 2 days to kiss/be intimate with her. and nothing comes of it because i think the “tingle” is usually my anxiety. but i can’t decipher at the moment. so this cycle of “tingle > no sex/kisses for two days > no cold sore > “tingle” >” and so on so forth has been going on for a year and i don’t know what the fuck to do. my life is so fucking draining right now because we used to have such a deep connection sexually and now i’m letting her down and it’s so fucking hard because i don’t want to lose her. but i’m trying so hard i just don’t know what to do i’m breathing so hard just writing this. just someone please point me in the right direction.

alissajamieson

Date posted: 21d

i forgot to mention, she told me recently that she doesn’t feel sexually satisfied and i’m so fucking upset like i need help so badly i need a therapist i need something. nobody in my area takes ambetter insurance and i just wanna be able to fulfill all her needs and take care of her

Eva S.

Date posted: 21d

It's beautiful that you care so much for your partner, this is a really tough situation and I know it sucks ass to be in this cycle of dwelling and anxiety. There's a lot of topical solutions you can use to treat cold sores if one does appear. Whenever you feel that anxious tingle, try to distract yourself for 10-15 minutes. Sometimes in that immediate moment your body will do anything in its power to justify your anxieties. This is how OCD manages to fester for so long. Take a few deep breaths, watch something you enjoy, and come back. No method is foolproof but anything you can do to separate yourself from the hole of anxiety is a step in the right direction. Be patient with yourself and love yourself fully. Communicate with your partner about how it feels to be experiencing this and how you two can manage some of your fears. Sexually, you can experiment with other methods that don't include your mouth, you can make it a fun little challenge for both you and your partner. Oral herpes isn't a terminal illness and overall it's an inconvenience at best. Having a sexual partner with herpes is a risk factor for herpes and not a lot can be done there. 1/4 sexually active Americans will contract it. As long as you aren't kissing her with open wounds I genuinely think she will be okay! Best of luck and I'm sorry for this message being all over the place I am writing this quickly

alissajamieson

Date posted: 20d

@Eva S. thank you so much, i just got off of work. i guess i just fear that i’m gonna lose her, she means more to me than damn near anything and the fact that this is something that i could so easily fix if my mind wasn’t fucking insane. i’ve communicated with her before, and by communicated mean “i ask her repeatedly if something’s okay then break it down into any and every scenario until she says everything’s okay”. which can be insanely overwhelming. i just think i’m too much too deal with honestly

Eva S.

Date posted: 20d

@alissajamieson Self confidence is an important aspect in OCD recovery! Your partner should love you for who you are, not who you could be, and so should you ❤️ if you're worried about potentially overwhelming her with requests for reassurance then you might find it helpful to write down and summarize your points and ideas before you broach the subject. Even ask her how you could best communicate your feelings. Of course take everything I say with a grain of sand, you are the authority of your life. I heavily empathize with your situation, I have dealt with a lot of relationship and health related OCD. It's very uspetting to feel you're jeopardizing the relationships you have with the people you love. But the reality is, you aren't. You're trying your best and reaching out and that's the biggest step you could've taken. I really wish you luck and I hope everything can smooth out and become more consistent and comfortable for you.

Michael R.

Date posted: 21d

You're doing a great thing by turning to help in whatever way you can! I can tell through your words that this is incredibly stressful, and my heart goes out to you. Hopefully it's comforting to know that the majority of the world has the virus that causes cold sores on your mouth, and they're all doing fine! It's just a nuisance, at best. Knowing this, there's a good chance your girlfriend has already had that virus on her mouth since before she met you (she might just be one of many who never show symptoms and could never know). That means it would be incredibly rare for her to get it anywhere else on her body, even if someone with cold sores comes into contact with her. But to the point: a tingling on your lip could be caused by many things, including your own thoughts, and the more you pay attention to it, the more constant it will feel. When it comes to those sensations, there's going to be uncertainty of whether you get a cold sore or not, but the fact of the matter is, there's a chance, always, that the virus could be transmitted to someone else, whether or not you have a tingle or a cold sore or absolutely nothing. It's a chance that people take every day, because it's worth it: being intimate with someone you love is worth the risk of a small, harmless, incredibly common (some would say unavoidable) virus, one that, studies suggest, can even make our immune systems stronger against more dangerous pathogens. People still kiss and share drinks and perform oral sex anyway, because the alternative is a life devoid of human touch and warmth, and for most of us that's a far worse choice. Ultimately, the world has known about cold sores and how they spread, and most people who are educated on it (including doctors) don't have a care in the world. They just avoid contact when they clearly have a cold sore, then they go on about their lives. I'm one of those people, and so are everyone in my life that I know. I think it might be a good idea to talk to your girlfriend about living your life together this way. There's always going to be a chance of transmission, but it's nothing compared to the value of maintaining your relationship and being close with each other. Ask her what she needs to feel sexually satisfied, and be honest about your own needs as well, and you can find a way to be happy together.

alissajamieson

Date posted: 20d

@Michael R. thank you so so fucking much, breaking it down into that large perspective really helped. she hasn’t had an outbreak before so that’s what makes me feel like shit because potentially giving it to her hurts so bad. like genuinely i just don’t know what to do i’m sorry

SodaPoppies

Date posted: 20w

Fear of herpes contributing to contamination OCD

In September I had unprotected oral sex. I haven’t had sex in five years because even before that I was so ashamed and worried about sex. I finally did it and then a few weeks later while I was at work I started to be very itchy all in my underwear area like up to my butt. I didnt see any blisters or anything but when I googled it, herpes came up. Eventually I thought maybe it was the new underwear I bought and it went away after I stopped wearing them. However it’s returned twice, mostly when I’m really worried about herpes. I know this makes little sense because I don’t thinking about it would cause an outbreak but, either way I’m really nervous to go get tested because I heard there’s a high false positive rate and if I get a positive there’s a huge chance I will just become a recluse and never speak to anyone again. I already have so much trauma with sex, vaginismus, etc. I can’t imagine telling anyone I have herpes and then they 1) don’t want to be with me 2) now know this and could tell anyone they want Even if I don’t have it I was reading it could be asymptomatic and 80% of people who have it don’t even know, so now I’m worried I will get it no matter what sex I have. I can barely handle staying alive with just OCD but now with social stigma with herpes I will feel like I can not even live a normal life. I am already freaking out about it and don’t know what to do. I am worried to go get tested and it saying I have it, and then I’m worried to not and potentially spread it, I’m not even having sex with anyone right now so it’s not like I would. But I’m worried I will forget to wash my hands and touch something and someone else will touch it and then get it. I’m just having a really bad time.

Sofia_123456789

Date posted: 8w

Vent

Hello! I just needed a place to vent.. Me and my boyfriend are having a hard time right now because of my anxiety and because I have had vestibulodynia for 3 years. If you have a flare up of relationship ocd then this might trigger or something but I don’t know. Anyway, my vestibulodynia has made me afraid of intimacy a lot and my partner also in fear of hurting me has withdrawn a lot too. I still want him, it’s complicated. This year, things have been tougher with finding a cure, and that’s when I’ve started to have the thought ”what if it would be different with someone else?”, but I don’t want anyone else. I have had these urges to stare at attractive men, which I don’t really know why, a lot of fantasies come up in my mind, just popping in. About two times this year, I have been staring at an attractive guy/or just a guy a few times without really knowing why. I take it as a sign together with my withdrawal that I no longer want him, and is cheating. The thing is, I don’t like what I’m doing, and I don’t know why it happens, it’s like I can’t physically look away. I have to control myself to not stare. I know I can’t ask for reassurance here, but I would really like to know if this is ocd. I also had a fantasy of flirting but not leading to anything more, I think I wanted more chemistry with my boyfriend and it manifested into someone random that can’t hurt me. I don’t know what I just said meant but when I had it, I think I was clear with that I knew I only wanted those feelings with him, my boyfriend. The times I can’t stop staring, what usually happens in my mind is that I see that they are attractive, then I kind of take in their features but then I remember not to stare, but it’s weird cause it’s not like a calm ”oh so beautiful” it’s like my head keeps being turned and I physically cannot stop. I have heard of stare ocd but I’m not sure. It’s complicated because yes I feel sad because my vulvodynia messed up for us, because I was in heaven with him, before this relationship anxiety, and that was like one year ago still. When I don’t feel shame and when I allow myself, he makes me so so happy. But right now I feel like I don’t deserve him. He would never do anything like that. It feels like I have cheated, because it feel unloyal what I did. I wouldn’t want him to do that and I don’t know what I would do but I think I wouldn’t want to be with him. I’m so afraid that I have messed up. Sometimes I feel like I need to tell him, but I don’t know. I’m so scared because my dad was a cheater, I NEVER want to be like that. The fact that I’m doubting so much of I should be with him makes me feel like I’m cheating and he deserves better. It’s strange because it came from nowhere it feels like, it started when I started to give up on my vulvodynia for real, and when I felt like he seemed to care less. I never looked at guys like I have this year before, I feel so horrible. I wanted our relationship to be pure and loyal.

carrotroot12

Date posted: 5w

I need some advice again

This is going to be long and all over the place. To give some context I’ve dealt with SOOCD for a long time now and it had very bad effects on my past relationship. I had a hard time being intimate with my past partner because I was always subconsciously checking if I was getting aroused enough, if I was attracted to him, if I truly liked him, or if I was lying to myself (yk the whole deal). I literally felt nothing but anxiety when we did things which made everything worse. I was also extremely depressed which made my libido and attraction towards men completely vanish (still have low libido and my attraction is kinda the same). Me and the guy broke up and a couple years ago we reconnected. When I saw him again I was extremely attracted to him, romantically and sexually. This made me so happy because I finally felt some confirmation that I knew who I was and my thoughts weren’t real after years of being tortured by them. We didn’t end up lasting because my feelings started to shift but I truly blame that on the fact that it was just a dumb old high school relationship, he was a terrible boyfriend in the past, and we had nothing in common. However while we were together, I had dealt with really bad relationship anxiety. I found other people attractive which gave me reassurance, but also made spiral because I thought it meant I didn’t like him anymore, I was lying to myself about my feelings, and I questioned everything about the relationship. Fast forward to now, I am now in a new relationship and I’ve known this guy for a long time. I developed a crush on him which again made me really happy bc I haven’t had a crush in a VERY long time. I made a couple of posts on here about how I started to overthink everything (pls read those to get more context I don’t want to make this even longer). I started to get really anxious and had more intrusive thoughts about lying to myself about my feelings/and sexuality, not really liking him, not being attracted to him, yk all that. I was able to manage it by watching a video about rumination where the guy basically just said “stop thinking about it.” He said to just let it float there, don’t engage with it, don’t try to solve or understand, don’t try to replace it, don’t say a mantra, don’t be mindful, just let it be there and move on. I also went on reddit and this guy said to stop hyper focusing on the attraction/ the “right” feelings bc the more you try to look for them the less you will feel it. Anyways, I took the advice and the next time we hung out I felt comfortable and just so much better. It was the sweetest date and I truly had a fun time. However, when we kissed I immediately started over analyzing and questioning everything. I had bad experiences with my ex because I kept trying to analyze my feelings like do I really like this kiss? Am I actually attracted to him? Why am I not feeling super excited right now? Why did all these good feelings just go away? It was so annoying and heartbreaking for me because I just want to be normal, I want to truly enjoy this relationship. I want to stop automatically checking and over thinking everything. We’ve discussed sexual things and it automatically made me hyper analyze everything making me feel more anxious and unsure about the relationship and my sexuality. There have been times where we talked about them and I’ve thought about it with no worry, and I even got turned on by it (tmi i’m sorry). But I’m worried that I’ll have the same bad experiences I did with my ex and it’ll ruin how I view the everything. I was so excited for this but now I feel so scared and anxious again. I really want to enjoy this, he’s truly an amazing person and I want to be with him without being bombarded by this shit 😭. Sorry if none of this made sense. Please give me advice if you have any!!!!

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cold sore anxiety, i’m spiraling so rapidly rn

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