boyfriend ran into his ex

so my boyfriend just ran into his ex girlfriend who was his first love. they ran into each other at his favorite restaurant which is apparently where she works. it’s been years since they were together and him and i have been together for over two years. she cheated on him multiple times (with her step brother) and was very manipulative and physically and mentally abusive towards him, so it’s like i’m not worried he’s going to leave me for her because she’s awful, but it was his first love. i was left by someone before who was all in on me but then his ex girlfriend who was his first love came back to him and he left me for her, and she was also manipulative and mentally abusive. so the topic of first loves causes a lot of anxiety for me. i trust him and i know nothing happened and nothing will happen, but i am anxious seeing her will stir something up in him and he will leave me because of that. please help if you have any advice on what to do

Enthusiast

Date posted: 13h

Hiii I used to have this “first love” rumination. My boyfriend is the only man I’ve ever dated but I’m not the only woman he’s ever dated. He explained to me how he views the whole “first love” concept when I was coming to him confused and upset over it. Here’s what I took from it. -Scaling feelings: I used to scale the “first love” person to a higher pedestal or degree to any other “love” that follows suit. Like the first love is loved at a capacity that is withheld from loving other people at the same level. But when we scale these feelings it all feels like a competition or ranking in our relationships. Technically, by chronological order, someone could be a “first love”. But that’s all we should really take away from the “first love” title. I don’t mind being my bfs third or fourth love because he loves me in a way that’s different from the people before me. Loving someone isn’t (or shouldn’t be) held to this capacity: -“First love”= 100% love and attraction -2nd love= 70% love and attraction -3rd love= 40% love and attraction And so on. -Timing: I have never met my bf before college and I learned we actually lived pretty far apart from the same city area so it makes sense why we met later in life. I lived a life having crushes on people before knowing he existed and vice versa. I didn’t know him …how could I beat myself up for not being his “first love” yk! Plus if we stopped scaling those feelings like i stated above, who cares if I was or wasn’t, I’m his gf now. When it comes to trusting, for me, I view it as something that relates to my values. That being my boyfriend (our relationship). I want the relationship to be healthy. That means I must trust him as it sets a foundation for a healthy relationship. If it weakens then the rest of what leans on trust also weakens. Thus bringing anxiety around uncertainty and doubt. There is a lot of uncertainty with trust. Sometimes your trust is respected and sometimes it’s not. To trust someone is hard because of uncertainty but it will be the bravest and strongest thing you can do. Trust because you want a healthy relationship with your partner. 🤍🦢 You are still oh so loved even if you aren’t his “first love”. We might be the third, fourth, or even fifth love of our partners but let that title only relate to chronological order and not how our partners scale their feelings. You got this angel ^^

anonymous070323

Date posted: 13h

@Enthusiast thank you so much, this really helped me. as someone who is in my first relationship (the one with the guy who left for his ex before was never official) with someone who has had previous relationships, it is definitely nice to hear someone who has been in a similar spot. thank you so much again 🩷

JazzyRoses

Date posted: 22w

Being Cheated On OCD

Hi everyone! I have been having a rough time. So my boyfriend talks to his ex still as friends and I’ve been struggling with it lately and I can’t tell if it’s OCD or not but it does feel so distressing. She wasn’t texting him for about 2-3 months as she got into a relationship with this guy and they broke up. She had messaged him saying that she has no one else to talk to and needed to vent to someone. At first I felt okay, but my intrusive thoughts took over and it seemed like she was trying to get with him after the fact. It’s probably just my intrusive thoughts talking but he looks on Discord (the app where the message) constantly now and my intrusive thoughts convince me that he’s still in love with her. Then yesterday I saw one of his BeReals (a little photo app that shows a photo of the day) and I saw that he was watching one of her streams as she is a streamer. I struggled to talk about it because it made my worst thought feel like it came true where he is still in love with her. When we talked he gets a lil mad that I don’t tell him right away like straight up what I’m feeling but it’s hard to process because my thoughts flood in of all the worst things and I don’t want to come off as toxic at all and I know relationships are built on trust and I want to trust because this is literally the only thing that makes me nervous about him. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been cheated on before so I’m trying to protect myself but I’m lost. I get so depressed and so anxious because I feel like I have to grieve the relationship and it’s just so dramatic. I’ve never loved anyone like this before and I don’t wanna lose him by bringing this stuff up constantly when something occurs with his ex. I don’t know why I get triggered so easily and I just wanna heal from it and be the good girlfriend I’m supposed to be 😭

M_8

Date posted: 9w

ROCD- help please!

My ex boyfriend broke up with me last summer and it was really rough on me even thought we only dated for a little while. He treated me terribly but I guess I wanted it to work. However during the fall I was healing well and met my current boyfriend. I knew him as a kid and we reconnected and started dating. It’s the most WONDERFUL relationship ever and I love him so much. However for the past couple months, on and off, I have been obsessively thinking about my ex, to the point of feeling so sick to my stomach. Just the thought will do it. I have been stopping myself from checking his instagram because that just makes it worse. I do not want me ex back at all and I am so happy now. I recognize these thoughts as intrusive and hurtful. I just want them to stop and be in the moment. Has anyone had a similar experience? What did u do? Also, I want to tell my boyfriend about this but I am unsure on how to do so.

DelfyDV

Date posted: 6w

please help

sorry for the long post, if anyone would like to read and give me some advice i’d really appreciate it. i have something i have been keeping from my boyfriend. it’s nothing in relation to cheating or doing something bad behind his back. it’s something that happened before we started dating. it was when me and my “ex” (i rebounded before my current bf and yes, im very very ashamed of it) were a thing. me and him broke up relatively amicably but me being in general contact with him made my bf uncomfortable. it was a whole thing and in conclusion, i took accountability for my ignorance. i cut him off, wasn’t upset about it at all but there were some issues that still posed a problem in my relationship and it was what me and my “ex” did sexually and how long we were together. me and my bf started dating a few months after my rebound and he was under the impression that the time inbetween was longer. in the moment, i expressed i sincerely thought i told him how long it was and answered his questions about what we did sexually. but i forgot to mention one thing until it was too late. i promised i would tell him if i remembered anything and now that i have, i’ve recently been feeling REALLY guilty for withholding it. i absolutely hate thinking and talking about my rebound. i’m embarrassed by it. i’m trying to be better and move on from that general era of my life. and to a point i have. my bf is wonderful and nothing but good and loving. but over time i’ve become afraid to bring up stuff like this and tick him off. i find his reaction extreme in situations where i’m genuinely confused about what i’ve done. i’m a really anxious person and i try not to let it get in my way or his way of processing everything and resolving it. but its hard. coming from a bad relationship previously (before the rebound) i have a lot of issues to resolve within and outside of my relationship but right now, i don’t know what to do. i’m deathly afraid of bringing it up and him deciding to end us. again, sorry for the long rant. i had to get this off my chest somehow but i wanna know how to go about it. thanks guys

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boyfriend ran into his ex

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